A Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,
Hermes is not racist. They do not hate you. They were CLOSED. I know this is hard for you to understand, but just because you're rich and famous does not mean you control the world. I know this must be hard for you--let me try to explain: sometimes, stores close. And there may be times that people are in the store and moving around, but the store is closed. There is a reason for them being closed. I'm sure that if they could have, they would have let you in to shop because you've got money coming out every oriface of your body, and they want it just as much as everyone else does. However, they were CLOSED. Sometimes I go to stores, and the doors are locked, even though there are people inside who appear to be shopping. This means that store is CLOSED. I'm white, and I can't get in. You may not be able to process this idea, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I know that you think you're hot shit because you have a television show and you're like the world's richest woman or something. However, it saddens me to say that the world does not revolve around you. Now why don't you shut up and go back to being a shill for publishing companies.
Yours Truly,
CC

A Letter to Andie MacDowell

Dear Andie MacDowell,
For the love of all that is holy, please stop acting. Your performances in simple commercials give me violent nausea, so you can imagine how I feel when you're cast in a movie that might have been really great had YOU not been in it. Seriously--why don't you go and find another job--something that maybe doesn't require acting. Or speaking, really.
Most sincerely,
Not a Fan
P.S. Please pass this message on to Jason Patric because he also sucks. Not as much as you, of course, but still pretty hardcore.

Sleepers

I just finished reading Sleepers again, and as usual, it leaves me with a great desire to see the movie. Unfortunately, I KNOW that I'll be disappointed with said movie. Why? you ask. Well, you'd think it would be a pretty good movie. I mean, the plot is gripping and interesting and the movie is jam-packed with starpower. I mean, come on: Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Brad Renfro, Minnie Driver, Billy Crudup, Brad Pitt, Kevin Bacon AND Ron Eldard (whom I secretly find considerably more lust-worthy than Brad Pitt for reasons still unknown) all in the same movie! Yet the movie fails. The reason for this abysmal failure lies with the time period the movie was filmed in. It was filmed during a time when heads of studios and casting directors alike shared the tragic and mistaken idea that Jason Patric could act. Yes, I know you are all wondering how a misconception of this magnitude could have occured, and I have no easy answers for you. All I know is that for some reason he was given the narrative lead in this movie and he single-handedly causes it to plummet to earth in a ball of flaming wreckage. He's like an enormous black hole of talent, and the rest of the cast must struggle valiantly but ultimately in vain to to avoid being sucked in with him. I simply can't imagine why they chose Jason Patric for that part. What--was Edward Norton busy? Johnny Depp wasn't interested? They couldn't even get a Baldwin brother (the younger two Baldwins kind of suck, but they are not even in the same league of suckitude as Jason Patric.) As you may have noticed, I find it tremendously irritating that a movie I want so badly to like (how often does Ron Eldard even get close to top billing?) is just so unbearably awful. Fuck the studio system!