I did not get a lot of blogging done in 2015. It's not so much that I had nothing to say, and more that it didn't seem all that important to say it. But now here we are, in a new year! Let's review 2015, eulogize it, lay it to rest, and put out some goals for 2016, shall we?
I have always believed--without a shred of evidence, mind you--that New Year's Eve sets the tone for your whole year. Whatever happens on that night will be reflected throughout the next 365 days, for better or for worse. Last year was...not great. I found myself home alone, crying to my cat while basically everyone I knew went to a party at Captain No-Fun's--a party that no one had the guts to tell me about, and let me figure it out via Facebook. I thought that meant that this would be a year of lonliness and desertion, just me and the cat, by ourselves, dealing with a world that didn't give a shit.
Weirdly, though, it turned out that it WAS an indicator of the year...I'd just interpreted it wrong. Yes, this did turn out to be a year of me and Briscoe going it alone...but that was okay! I realized that I don't actually NEED more than that. Do I like other people? Absolutely! But do I need them to be happy? Nope! I also learned that the people I had considered my closest friends couldn't be relied on. When it comes down to it, they're actually Captain No-Fun's friends. Do they like me? Sure. Will they invite me to things? Sure. But will they invite me to things when it means not inviting him? Nope. Will they make the effort to hang out with me outside of that? Nope. It was a very hard lesson, and it hurt. A lot. It still does, frankly.
But in the course of the year, I met NEW people! My roommates have turned out to be--for the most part--completely awesome. Ms. Neuroart and Bone Girl are a constant joy, even though I spend a lot of my time with them wondering just what the hell is going on. It's wonderful to come home every day and feel like you live in a place with friends, not just a boarding house with random strangers
The Boston Dyke March committee turned out to be a life saver for me. The people I met there have become some of my closest and dearest friends. If I hadn't said yes to that, I don't know what my year would have looked like. Aside from putting on a frankly unbelievable event--we managed to raise our entire budget from the ground up, and create something that drew between 1500 and 2000 people to join together and march through the streets of Boston--I met people who have literally changed my life. They are kind, supportive, funny, and interesting. They've taken me into their lives and their social circles and made me so welcome. In fact, this year I spent Christmas with The Nanny and this NYE was spent with Krav MaGoddess, The Patriarchy, and their friends. It was a turnaround from last year, but it also wouldn't have been possible without my resolution to say yes to things.
Dating was still just a big no. I have issues. I will get to them one of these days. In the meantime, I am reasonably content on my own. As a FB meme from the other day said, "I am not searching for my other half because I'm not a half." If I should happen to meet someone who interests me, that would be nice. However, it's not on my priority list.
What IS on my priority list for 2016?
1. Continue to make new friends and nurture those friendships I've started. I don't think it's possible to have too many friends.
2. Therapy harder. I've frankly got complacent with Valerie, in that I mostly use my time with her for venting and validation. I need to start actually doing some WORK. Probably dealing with my relationship fears, figuring out how to deal with my terror regarding failure, and also maybe figuring out how to be a functional adult without giving up who I am.
3. Creative pursuits. I need to actually DO things, as opposed to just strongly considering doing things.
4. Be more open. This is a carry-over from last year, but the process continues. Now I need to manage to be open, but not be a drunken feelingsbomb. When you're telling people deep dark secrets that you haven't even told your therapist at a NYE party, maybe you need to work on wrangling in the openness just a smidge.
5. Clean better. I know I'm a slob. I will probably always be a slob. Accepting this about myself does not mean that living in squalor is acceptable. Take out your fucking trash, Johnson.
6. Continue to learn, listen, check my privilege, and question my reactions. Accept that I have anxiety, and even with medication some days are going to be a struggle. Know that there will be the occasional anxiety attack for no reason, and that taking an Ativan and going to bed with the cat to watch cartoons is a reasonable response to that.
7. Watch my drinking -- I LOVE to drink, and I think it often loosens me up and brings out the best parts of my personality. Then again, my parents are heavy drinkers/alcoholics, so I should probably keep an eye on that. Drunk once a month or so is fun...drunk every week and you start to turn into a hot mess.
Anyway, I've been working on this entry for two days (as you might be able to guess from the complete disjointed rambling nature of it) and I figure it's time to put down the keyboard as it were and let it go.
Happy New Year!
CBR11 #4:Pretending to Care - The Pretenders (Cemetery Girl #1) by Charlaine Harris and Christopher Golden
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