Dude, it's time to fire your stylist. Even if he/she DID see you stuffing a hooker in your trunk.

Really? ARE YOU SERIOUS? Why do you do this to me? It's beginning to feel deliberate. The live snakes are coming. I'm sure of it.

An Angry Consumer

Dear Old Navy,

Listen, mostly I really like you. I appreciate that you keep your prices reasonable, have a decent selection, and most importantly make plus-size clothes (I mean, you don't make them available in your stores, because after all, there's not really enough space to display the fat-fat-fatty clothes, but you at least have them on your website, and that's awfully nice of you). I am generally a fan, but today I am so angry with you that I can barely stand it.

Last Thursday (note: nearly a week ago), I placed an order with you. I ordered several items (in order to take advantage of free shipping for orders over $50). Two of these items were Christmas gifts for The Boyfriend, as he also enjoys your clothes and appreciates that you carry styles for the big and tall gentleman. One of these items was an orange (excuse me..."Autumn Log") performance fleece jacket. The Boyfriend needed a new fleece, and his favorite color is orange. I was so excited.

Then, today, I got an email from you explaining that "while processing [my] order, [you] found that the item(s) below are no longer available." The item, of course, being the orange fleece. You refunded my money, which was nice. You also offered me a 10% discount coupon, which was nice, too.

Here is the problem: I ORDERED THE SAME GODDAMN ORANGE FLEECE FOR THE BOYFRIEND LAST YEAR AND YOU DID THE SAME FUCKING THING TO ME! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD KEEP BETTER INVENTORY, IF IT TAKES A FUCKING WEEK FOR YOU TO DISCOVER THAT SOMETHING I FOUND ON YOUR WEBSITE, PURCHASED, RECEIVED A CONFIRMATION FOR, AND PAID FOR NO LONGER EXISTS!

And thanks a lot for your bullshit coupon. To order one more item, I'd have to pay like $8 in shipping, which is likely to be nearly what the item I wish to order is worth after your coupon.

I sent your customer service email a short note, explaining as politely as possible my frustration, and also explaining that since this is the second year in a row this has occurred, I from now on will be taking my holiday shopping elsewhere. After all, I'm already not good enough to shop in your store, now you're telling me you can't be bothered to stock items you've already sold me?

Thank you for all your wonderful help. I guess I will just have to take my lucrative lounge-pant business back to Target.

The Caustic Critic

A Letter to Nicolas Cage: Addendum

Dear Nic,

I know I have written to you before regarding my suggestions for improving your career.

I have noticed you seem to have ignored me almost entirely (did you think I wasn't going to notice that ungodly ridiculous wig you're sporting in the The Sorcerer's Apprentice preview? I'm not BLIND for God's sake.)

Some days, Nic, I have to admit that I want to give up. I want to take my copies of Con Air, Moonstruck, and Raising Arizona and toss them in the trash. I want to take The Rock off my Amazon wishlist. I begin to think to myself that no matter how much I like you, you are determined to be an utterly horrible caricature of yourself. I know you're broke and everything, and if someone shows up at your door offering you $20mil to do National Treasure 3: The Curse of Kennedy's Buttcrack or whatever the hell you're up to these days, it would be hypocritical of me to say you should decline (since I excuse Keanu Reeves in just this manner all the time).

The difference is that I KNOW you are actually talented. I have seen you be talented. Last night, I watched your performance in Birdy, and it knocked my damn socks off. I believed it. I was with you. You were emoting, and okay there was a little bit of screaming...but it was justified. (Mind you, it doesn't hurt that 26 years ago you were hot as all hell--daaaamn, Nic, who knew you had abs like that?) Still, under the shitty wigs and the terrible accents and craaaaaaaazy eyes, there is an actor in there. I am sure of it.

Please try and contact that guy and see if you can get him to come out and do another film. I suspect the stuff you're being offered now is not really stunning, but keep an eye out for something good. While you do already have an Oscar, wouldn't it be nice to have another one?

Take care of yourself, best to the family-
The Caustic Critic

A Letter to An Author (Cannonball Read 2 #22 - Song of Susannah by Stephen King)

Dear Stephen,

I have been a huge fan of your work for many years (not your "number one fan"...ha ha...but a fan, nonetheless.) I've read nearly all of your books, and I've enjoyed the majority of them. In fact, IT is probably my favorite book ever, and I think I've read it upwards of twenty times. Many of your other books have also warranted being read multiple times. Please don't think I'm just some hater who doesn't know what she's talking about.

I have always defended your work. When people have complained about your over-verbosity, I have countered by pointing out your excellent descriptions. When people have noted your tendency toward cliche, I have countered with your gripping characters. I have defended you against charges of repetition, overindulgence, and lack of editing. I've argued against those who said you had lost it after you got run over. I have even defended you regarding your near total inability to properly end a story (A giant spider? Alien children? Nuclear explosion?) despite the fact that it's almost totally true. I have even defended you regarding Dreamcatcher, and that thing was a complete disaster (Assweasels. That's all I have to say about that. Assweasels.)

However, you have finally lost me. Oh, I'm not saying I'm not going to read your writing again, nor am I saying that I am going to throw out my rather extensive collection of your work. I am just saying you've finally done something I find completely indefensible, and I am PISSED THE FUCK OFF about it. You WROTE YOURSELF INTO THE GUNSLINGER SAGA! That is inexcusable. I was thoroughly loving those damn books, and then you committed the worst authorial sin--the sin of arrogance. This is not like your penchant for taking on cameo roles in films of your work--I find that more endearing than arrogant. But making yourself (and your past self, so you are piling slightly self-righteous hindsight onto the pile of things that are wrong with it) an integral character in a world I was so utterly enjoying is just WRONG. I loved the characters--Roland, Susannah, Jake, and especially Eddie, as well as being happy to see Father Callahan--and was digging the story and then "Ha ha! It is I, your author Stephen King! I am here to point out how awesome I am and how this story is all about ME! Bet you didn't realize it, but I am the AUTHOR and CREATOR and LOOK AT ME HERE I AM LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"

Damn it. It's indefensible, I tell you.

I am going to forgive you, because I truly do enjoy most of your work and think you are a great talent. However, this letter is to let you know that you are ON NOTICE, BUSTER. Shanannigans of this nature will not be tolerated a second time.

Yours sincerely,

Caustic Critic

An Open Letter (#6)

Dear Drew Barrymore and Jodie Foster,

Hi! How are you! Both of you ladies have been looking well lately, and your careers seem to be on track. Congrats Drew on your directing debut--I don't intend to see it, but I'm sure it's going to be great.

I'd really like to ask the two of you a small favor--could you please please take Lindsey Lohan under your collective wing and perhaps rescue her from her ever-twirling downward spiral of drugs and terrible leggings? I know it's a lot to ask, but I feel like of anyone in Hollywood, the two of you are uniquely positioned to get La Lohan back on solid footing. After all, you both have experience in dealing with families who are fucked up in a way only found in show business, and Drew could certainly explain why drinking and doing drugs at a young age will only result in poor decisions like showing your boobs to David Letterman. Both of you seem to have come through the hurricane of childhood stardom into relatively stable, productive lives and decent careers (although Jodie, let's face it, you are just doing it for the paycheck these days but that's okay--we all understand you prefer to have a more private life.) Frankly, I'm starting to get very worried about Lindsey--it's uncomfortable making fun of someone who appears ready to drop dead at any moment. Not to mention that I am very tired of seeing her parents everyplace (maybe you should try to recruit Angelina to your rescue squad; she seems to have experience dealing with a father whose idea of parenting is being a media whore.)

Thank you for considering this--I feel like Lindsey Lohan had some genuine talent, and watching her destroy herself for no apparent reason is extremely unpleasant.

Best wishes to you both!
The Caustic Critic

A Letter to Nicolas Cage

Dear Mr. Cage,

I know you can act. I have seen you do it. You have put out some performances that have been extraordinary--for example, The Weatherman, Lord of War, Guarding Tess, Adaptation, and apparently Leaving Las Vegas (though that one I have never seen.) And I have certainly enjoyed some of your movies that were...well, let's say they are not going to be contenders in the "Top 10 Films of the Century" contest. I mean, I enjoyed The Rock and Trapped in Paradise a lot , but they are not winning you any Oscars. However, I think you could do even better if you'd take a few pieces of advice from me.

1. YOU CANNOT DO ACCENTS. PLEASE STOP TRYING. I don't care what accent it is, don't do it. You are not fooling anybody. New York, deep South--no. Just no no no. You suck at them and it's time you admitted that and stopped trying. I think Moonstruck, Ghostrider, and Con Air would all have benefited from this advice. Weak or stupid dialogue is easier to camouflage if it's not delivered in a shitty fake accent.

2. YOU NEED TO HIRE A GOOD STYLIST. You are balding, okay? You know it, we all know it. Putting a long, scraggly wig on is NOT going to fool anyone (see Con Air and Next). Showing off your muscles is not going to distract anyone. You need to get in touch with someone who get you a really good hairpiece, or you need to take the Bruce Willis route and just stop trying.

3. YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE PICKIER ABOUT YOUR MOVIE CHOICES. Do you really expect me to believe that you thought The Wicker Man was going to be good? That you read the script of The Family Man and were like "Hey, this is really great!" If that does happen to be the case, you need to get a much MUCH better agent. Even Ghostrider (which I enjoyed despite myself) should have set off some alarms with its occasionally horrible dialogue. I mean, yes, it IS cool to play a bad-ass flame-headed guy, but perhaps you should look for more than that in your search for scripts. I sometimes think you just throw darts at script to choose what you do, because some of your movies are spectacular and some are pig vomit. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, either.

4. DON'T OVERDO IT ON THE TEETH-BARING, CRAZY-EYED, "LOOK AT ME, I'M LOOOOOSING IT!" FACE. This is a minor peeve, but you sometimes overact quite a bit. I'm a fan of campy (What else can explain my love for some of your work?) but there's only so much a girl can take. Your best roles tend to be the more subtle ones.

Please don't think that my bluntness indicates that I dislike you; on the contrary, I think you're usually pretty entertaining. I am a sucker for Valley Girl and Moonstruck, and I totally LOVE Con Air, even though you commit every sin I've listed here (and a few I've neglected to mention.) You are not untalented, you are just misguided. You can turn it around--I believe in you :)

I hope your upcoming films are good.
Yours,
The Caustic Critic

A Letter to Bobby Flay

Dear Bobby Flay,

I hope that one night soon Gordon Ramsay and Anthony Bourdain pull you into a dark alley and kick the ever-loving shit out of you.
CC

P.S. Putting three different variations of chipotle sauce on a dish does not make it interesting. It just makes you a pretentious douchebag.

A Letter to Sienna Miller

Dear Sienna Miller,

You are untalented and badly dressed.
I am sick of looking at your smug, pointy face.
Please go away.

CC

P.S. Those of us who are FROM Pennsylvania can (and do) use the term "Shitsburgh." We're not big on other people using it, though. I'd be really careful using terms like that in a place where roughly 85% of the population could kick your ass.

P.P.S. Banging Jude Law doesn't make you special. It just means you have a vagina.

A Prayer

Dear Lord,

I come, humbly before You to discuss rectifying a situation I consider to be of Your making. You decided to drop that monsterous slab of concrete out of the ceiling of the Big Dig, and it squashed a seemingly perfectly nice woman to death. Now had You dropped that hunk of poorly made concrete on a pedophile, or a crack dealer, or Ann Coulter, or that lying sack of shit Dr. James Dobson from Focus on the Family, there probably would have been some rejoicing and then life would have returned to normal, everyone convinced that God was looking out for all of us. Unfortunately, by choosing some ordinary woman to crush to death, You've instead convinced everyone that You may not be watching as closely as they'd hoped. So now, the communters who are usually busy blocking up the highway with their SUVs and Hummers have decided the wise thing would be to take the trains. Mind You, I think it's a great idea for people to take public transportation (have You seen that Al Gore movie about global warming? Wait, of course You have--one of the benefits of being omnipotent, I suppose) but I was wondering if perhaps make the process easier for everyone. Bless them, Oh Lord, with the knowledge that they should wait until those exiting the train get OFF before trying to elbow their way on. And enlighten them, Good and Merciful God, with the urge to KEEP FILING IN to the train car, instead of walking through the door and then suddenly stopping. Barring that, I ask You, in your infinite power, to visit upon them brain aneurysms and heart attacks as they stand on the platform shrieking "MOVE IN! EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME! MOVE! MOVE!" at an impossibly packed car. Lord, I ask these things in the name of expedient and convenient commuting. Amen.

P.S. Lord, if you do not see fit to grant me these things which I humbly ask of You, I ask that You instead please provide me with a consolation prize. I prostrate myself before You and beg for a British Three-Pack--please send me Vinnie Jones to protect my person, Gordon Ramsay to cook me delicious victuals, and Clive Owen to stand around all the time being brooding and manly--when they're not busy satisfying my carnal desires. I promise I will ask You for forgiveness for these lustful thoughts at my earliest convenience.

P.P.S. I kid with You, oh Lord, because I am sure that You have an excellent sense of humor. Please do not smite me.

A Letter to CBS

Dear CBS,
Please stop putting your characters into comas. On three of my favorite shows on your network, three characters were all in comas this week. CSI, in fact, has two of their three homicide detectives (Brass of Vegas and Flack [the HOTTEST of the CSI crews] of NYC) are currently in potentially lethal comas. Also Gibbs of NCIS was in a coma, though he came out of it only to retire. Did you suddenly decide these actors were too expensive? Did they all suddenly decide they wanted to quit and have movie careers (frankly, only one of the three has a possibility there, and previously his only real film role was as the goalie in 'Miracle')? What is the DEAL? Look, finale season is stressful enough, what with all the VERY TENSE DRAMATIC DRAMA and the knowing that I have to wait until fall (FALL!) for the resumption of good television. The least you could do is stop fucking killing people left and right. Thank you.
Sincerely,
CC
P.S. I am VERY displeased with the results of Survivor. Aras sucks.

A Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,
Hermes is not racist. They do not hate you. They were CLOSED. I know this is hard for you to understand, but just because you're rich and famous does not mean you control the world. I know this must be hard for you--let me try to explain: sometimes, stores close. And there may be times that people are in the store and moving around, but the store is closed. There is a reason for them being closed. I'm sure that if they could have, they would have let you in to shop because you've got money coming out every oriface of your body, and they want it just as much as everyone else does. However, they were CLOSED. Sometimes I go to stores, and the doors are locked, even though there are people inside who appear to be shopping. This means that store is CLOSED. I'm white, and I can't get in. You may not be able to process this idea, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I know that you think you're hot shit because you have a television show and you're like the world's richest woman or something. However, it saddens me to say that the world does not revolve around you. Now why don't you shut up and go back to being a shill for publishing companies.
Yours Truly,
CC

A Letter to Andie MacDowell

Dear Andie MacDowell,
For the love of all that is holy, please stop acting. Your performances in simple commercials give me violent nausea, so you can imagine how I feel when you're cast in a movie that might have been really great had YOU not been in it. Seriously--why don't you go and find another job--something that maybe doesn't require acting. Or speaking, really.
Most sincerely,
Not a Fan
P.S. Please pass this message on to Jason Patric because he also sucks. Not as much as you, of course, but still pretty hardcore.