Dear Drew Barrymore and Jodie Foster,
Hi! How are you! Both of you ladies have been looking well lately, and your careers seem to be on track. Congrats Drew on your directing debut--I don't intend to see it, but I'm sure it's going to be great.
I'd really like to ask the two of you a small favor--could you please please take Lindsey Lohan under your collective wing and perhaps rescue her from her ever-twirling downward spiral of drugs and terrible leggings? I know it's a lot to ask, but I feel like of anyone in Hollywood, the two of you are uniquely positioned to get La Lohan back on solid footing. After all, you both have experience in dealing with families who are fucked up in a way only found in show business, and Drew could certainly explain why drinking and doing drugs at a young age will only result in poor decisions like showing your boobs to David Letterman. Both of you seem to have come through the hurricane of childhood stardom into relatively stable, productive lives and decent careers (although Jodie, let's face it, you are just doing it for the paycheck these days but that's okay--we all understand you prefer to have a more private life.) Frankly, I'm starting to get very worried about Lindsey--it's uncomfortable making fun of someone who appears ready to drop dead at any moment. Not to mention that I am very tired of seeing her parents everyplace (maybe you should try to recruit Angelina to your rescue squad; she seems to have experience dealing with a father whose idea of parenting is being a media whore.)
Thank you for considering this--I feel like Lindsey Lohan had some genuine talent, and watching her destroy herself for no apparent reason is extremely unpleasant.
Best wishes to you both!
The Caustic Critic
2 comments:
I am glad to have read this post. I never rip on Lindsey because my youth was spent doing much the same as she is doing. She can be saved but it's going to take someone who genuinely loves her and is willing to let her learn trust.
That's sort of how I feel--I did a lot of stupid things when I was young, but 1. I had family and friends who cared enough to take me aside and let me know I was becoming a mess (aka they weren't trying to use me as their cash cow) and 2. My every mistake wasn't documented and broadcasted around the world.
I just feel bad for the girl--even if she is rich and famous, I still wouldn't ever want to trade places with her.
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