Dear Nic,
I know I have written to you before regarding my suggestions for improving your career.
I have noticed you seem to have ignored me almost entirely (did you think I wasn't going to notice that ungodly ridiculous wig you're sporting in the The Sorcerer's Apprentice preview? I'm not BLIND for God's sake.)
Some days, Nic, I have to admit that I want to give up. I want to take my copies of Con Air, Moonstruck, and Raising Arizona and toss them in the trash. I want to take The Rock off my Amazon wishlist. I begin to think to myself that no matter how much I like you, you are determined to be an utterly horrible caricature of yourself. I know you're broke and everything, and if someone shows up at your door offering you $20mil to do National Treasure 3: The Curse of Kennedy's Buttcrack or whatever the hell you're up to these days, it would be hypocritical of me to say you should decline (since I excuse Keanu Reeves in just this manner all the time).
The difference is that I KNOW you are actually talented. I have seen you be talented. Last night, I watched your performance in Birdy, and it knocked my damn socks off. I believed it. I was with you. You were emoting, and okay there was a little bit of screaming...but it was justified. (Mind you, it doesn't hurt that 26 years ago you were hot as all hell--daaaamn, Nic, who knew you had abs like that?) Still, under the shitty wigs and the terrible accents and craaaaaaaazy eyes, there is an actor in there. I am sure of it.
Please try and contact that guy and see if you can get him to come out and do another film. I suspect the stuff you're being offered now is not really stunning, but keep an eye out for something good. While you do already have an Oscar, wouldn't it be nice to have another one?
Take care of yourself, best to the family-
The Caustic Critic
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