Watching the 2011 steampunk Three Musketeers.
1. I like so many of the people in this cast. This should be better.
2. Remember back when Orlando Bloom was a thing? Weird, right? He’s kind of...fun as a villain, though. I think he might be one of those “character actor in a lead’s body” types. Also, he should never do anything but costume dramas, because the look suits him.
3. No matter the adaptation, Porthos is always the best Musketeer. I am not willing to debate this.
4. Is D’Atagnan SUPPOSED to be a complete void of charisma? Because that’s almost as universal as the Porthos thing. Is it because he is a literal child? Also, who was responsible for choosing that hairstyle for him? I demand a personal apology.
5. I wish Milla Jovovich’s husband would make better movies for her to be in.
6. It’s like they watched Guy Richie’s ‘Sherlock Holmes’ and said “Let’s do that!” but somehow got it just slightly wrong. Like they were trying for the same cheeky, winking, gritty tone, but it’s too well-lit and the sentiment is just shy of Hallmark level.
7. Fights are good, though.
8. So are the costumes.
9. This cast is WAY prettier than the 1993 version. Sorry Kiefer (and Kiefer’s mullet).
10. I like that the women have more to do in this one than just look scared. (Or, in Rebecca De Mornay’s case, vaguely constipated.)
11. I did not sign up to watch “Villains Special Effect Spectacular” here. Why are the Musketeers barely in this film?!
12. Speaking of, Christophe Waltz is doing his best, but when it comes to creepily smiling sex predator cardinal, no one will ever be able to take the crown from Tim Curry.
13. This film had many flaws, but James Corden is the absolute worst thing about it. By comparison, the war blimp impaling itself on the spire of Notre Dame is downright charming. I wish they’d impaled James Corden instead. Preferably right at the beginning of the movie.
2. Remember back when Orlando Bloom was a thing? Weird, right? He’s kind of...fun as a villain, though. I think he might be one of those “character actor in a lead’s body” types. Also, he should never do anything but costume dramas, because the look suits him.
3. No matter the adaptation, Porthos is always the best Musketeer. I am not willing to debate this.
4. Is D’Atagnan SUPPOSED to be a complete void of charisma? Because that’s almost as universal as the Porthos thing. Is it because he is a literal child? Also, who was responsible for choosing that hairstyle for him? I demand a personal apology.
5. I wish Milla Jovovich’s husband would make better movies for her to be in.
6. It’s like they watched Guy Richie’s ‘Sherlock Holmes’ and said “Let’s do that!” but somehow got it just slightly wrong. Like they were trying for the same cheeky, winking, gritty tone, but it’s too well-lit and the sentiment is just shy of Hallmark level.
7. Fights are good, though.
8. So are the costumes.
9. This cast is WAY prettier than the 1993 version. Sorry Kiefer (and Kiefer’s mullet).
10. I like that the women have more to do in this one than just look scared. (Or, in Rebecca De Mornay’s case, vaguely constipated.)
11. I did not sign up to watch “Villains Special Effect Spectacular” here. Why are the Musketeers barely in this film?!
12. Speaking of, Christophe Waltz is doing his best, but when it comes to creepily smiling sex predator cardinal, no one will ever be able to take the crown from Tim Curry.
13. This film had many flaws, but James Corden is the absolute worst thing about it. By comparison, the war blimp impaling itself on the spire of Notre Dame is downright charming. I wish they’d impaled James Corden instead. Preferably right at the beginning of the movie.
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