So today I decided the best use of my time would be to take an edible and then liveblog this 1954 tale of the Mexican Revolution.
Here are the results.
Cooper’s kind of a stuffed shirt, but Lancaster is 🔥
Ohhhh, Cooper’s not a stuffed shirt, he’s just DRY.
This film continues to improve. Jack Elam is in it!
Ooh, also Ernest Borgnine!
Is that a very young Charles Bronson?
Wow, research suggests Gary Cooper was kind of a dick in real life. Then again, research also suggests he was on so much pain medication when this movie was shooting that his didn’t work, so I guess I can see why he might be crabby.
Did tooth bleach exist in the 50s? WTF was Burt Lancaster doing to make his teeth look like that? They practically glow in the dark.
Oh noooooo, they brought in one Black guy, just to use him for a racist dance bit?!
I’m starting to think I’m not actually supposed to be rooting for Burt here. Oops.
Oh, Cooper’s not dry, he’s just an asshole.
This is like a very, very slow heist movie. It could definitely use more chase scenes. I hope later there will at least be some explosions.
I can’t tell if Lancaster’s supposed to be so creepy...like, I get that he’s an anti-hero scoundrel type, but the line between “charming jerk” and “dangerous sociopath” is getting a little smudgy here.
Hooray, there’s another racist dancing bit.
Okay, so upon investigation it turns out that Archie Savage (who plays the Black Union soldier Ballard here) was a “pioneer of African-American dance.” I guess that sort of explains all the dancing? But, like, why is this character there? I’m obviously not saying they shouldn’t have a Black dude in the movie, but like...they didn’t HAVE to—this was the 50s—so what is the purpose of adding this character? The dancing feels like a weird turn in tone every time it happens.
Cooper’s character would be a lot more sympathetic if he were a former Union soldier, rather than a former confederate being sad about his lost plantation.
Seriously, those teeth! Were they using ultraviolet radiation on them?
This is like the anti-slash as far as manly man films go. Unlike Wayne and Mitchum in El Dorado, there is NO sexual energy between these two at all. Well, Lancaster is shooting sexual energy everywhere indiscriminately (but it’s verging on rapey, kind of?) while Cooper is resolutely anti-sexual. If “plexiglass bathtub” were a sexuality, then that’s what Cooper’s got going here.
This bit where the characters more or less come right out and say “I am double crossing everyone!” directly to the camera before a cut-away is...not subtle.
I’d kind of like the two women to shoot Cooper and Lancaster and then run away with the money. Doubt that’s going to happen, though. I suspect Cooper will somehow come out on top. His romantic subplot will most likely be pleased to be finished with those terribly awkward, passionless, lip-squishing kisses he keeps planting on her.
This bit where Lancaster is freshening up in front of the fancy French lady is deeply unsettling. Worse, I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be. I’m not sure whether the original audience of the time would consider it “charming rogue” or “secret serial killer.” I’m still uncertain if I should be rooting for his character, or if the fact that I pick him over Cooper is indicative of a character flaw on my part.
Oh, well now of course he’s slapping the fancy French lady around, as you do.
So probably meant to be unsettling, then. Well, but now she's kissing him, so it could still be charming rogue territory? After all, there's a perfectly acceptable Dean Martin/Nat King Cole song from the same year that advocates slapping your wife into submission (in a very swingy way, of course) if she gets annoyed with your gambling or reckless spending. (I really liked "Open Up the Doghouse" until I actually listened to the lyrics.) It was a very different time.
“I don’t trust him. He likes people and you can never count on a man like that.” Fair enough, Burt. But DOES he like people? Because so far, in this film, the main indicators that he likes people are that he 1. Shot a horse 2. Did not think that massacring a group of children or raping a lady in the main square were acceptable behaviors. Apparently, the threshold for "liking people" in Lancaster's world is very low.
This movie is awful.
I think maybe I’m rooting for the Juaristas?
Nope, Lancaster is definitely the bad guy. I mean, aside from the French.
At least I'm finally getting the explosions I wanted.
Yay! Macho bullshit seems to have proved fatal.
Wait, why is Cooper crying? Clearly, I’ve missed something. This ending is both anti-climactic and baffling.
I can see why the Mexican government got so mad about this film they insisted any movies shot there in the future make the Mexican people look good. They do not come off well here, is what I’m saying.
The French don’t come off super well either, to be honest.
In fact, pretty much everyone in this movie is awful, except maybe Gary Cooper, who is both awful AND self-righteous.
So when it comes down to films about running dangerous errands during the Mexican Revolution, I’m going to declare Two Mules for Sister Sara the undeniable winner.
