In Which Your Author Gets Stoned and Watches Moonstruck

 

1. Cher is supposed to be 37 in this movie. That means I am already too old to find myself a Nic-Cage-In-his-prime of my own. This is definitely an appalling realization.                                                                                                                                                                   
2. In a semi-related note, I never used to understand why Loretta was willing to settle for Johnny, who is a giant man-baby. The older I get, the more sense it makes to me.                                                                                                                                                                
3. The character of Ronny is hilarious. I always missed it before because I was too busy being wowed by the pretty face and animal sex appeal, but his over-the-top melodrama absolutely kills me. I love it. He’s a filthy mess, with his hair a wreck, missing a tooth, yelling about how he needs THE BIG KNIFE, CHRISSY and yet would I? Oh yes indeed.                                                                                                                                   
4. In every way Cage is overstated, Olympia Dukakis was understated. She was brilliant here. She nails the exhaustion and frustration. (Though frankly, I don’t see what ANYBODY sees in Cosmo. These two women are busy fighting over a whiny plumber.)                                                                                                                                                                    
5. Everyone who won an Oscar for this deserved it. No discussion.                                                                                                                                                                                               
6. That is some very 80s chest hair, Mr. Cage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
7. How is that shop assistant who is in love with Ronny going to react when she finds out he CAN in fact love again?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
8. These yuppies that Cosmo sold piping to...like, are we supposed to think he's a good plumber?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
9. Seriously, what do people see in Cosmo? He is the goddamn WORST. Even Frazier’s dad is a better date.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
10. “Why don’t you go stand in front of your record player and listen to La Boheme at ear-shattering volume without even removing your coat, and I will immediately make myself at home in your kitchen and cook you food you did not ask for?” Loretta is also kind of a weirdo, tbh.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
11. Is every man in this movie SUPPOSED to be garbage? I mean, Ronny is hot garbage, but garbage nonetheless.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
12. He IS a wolf. Agreed, Loretta. You’re drunk and babbling, but he is a wolf.                                                                                                                                                                       
13. “Where are you taking me?!” It’s a one-bedroom apartment, Loretta. There are not a lot of options.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
14. Holy balls...if my math is right, Cher was 41 when this was made, and Nic Cage was 23. You go, girl.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
15. “Old man, you give those dogs another piece of my food, I’m gonna kick ya till you’re dead” is one of the greatest lines in cinema. I yelled an adapted version at an old man once who accosted me as I walked past the bench he was shitting on. (No. That is not a typo.)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
16. Good Lord, this is an awkward dinner. The food looks great, but I’m guessing Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita wish they’d gotten take-out instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                             
17. Oh...the Twin Towers.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
18. I look forward to the day I get old enough to take my half dozen dogs out for a walk to howl at the moon in Italian. Note to self: learn Italian.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
19. The next time someone says I’ve ruined their life, I can’t wait to respond with “it was ruined when I got here!” Note to self: ruin someone’s life.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
20. The part where he says “I’m in love with you” like it’s a regrettably forgone conclusion and she slaps him and yells “Snap out of it!” is just *chef’s kiss.*                                                                                                                                                                                       
21. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are the true #RelationshipGoals of this film.                                                                                                                                                                             
22. Someday I’m going to go to the Met. Not because I like opera, but because I love this movie.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
23. Cher sure was beautiful.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
24. Am I supposed to believe that Ronny owns a tuxedo? Is he THAT MUCH of an opera lover that he goes often enough that he owns his own tuxedo? If not, did he go out and buy one that afternoon? Did he rent it?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
25. The most unrealistic part in this whole film is that Ronny notices that Loretta had her hair done. The fact that he mentions it is how I know this movie is meant to be magical realism or something.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
26. Cosmo deserves every terrible thing that happens to him. And his goomah is tacky as all hell (I like her style, but let’s be honest, I’m also tacky as hell).                                                                                                                                                                                              
27. Good on Olympia Dukakis for taking herself out to dinner, but is there only one restaurant in their neighborhood? She’s got the night to herself...does she not long for the exotic? Like burritos?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
28. And why does Frazier’s dad keep coming back there? Does he have some kink about being watched by a crowd as a much younger woman throws a drink on him and storms out? Could he not do that in other restaurants? If I was part of a scene like that, I’d be too embarrassed to go back to that restaurant again. In fact, I’d probably have to move.                                                                                                                                                 
29. In the timeframe of the film, he did this exact same thing literally two days ago. Why aren’t the waiters like “Dude. Again?” This is why I think he must do it all the time...and he must tip really well.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
30. Does the Met really have a man with a cape who plays the xylophone to announce intermission is over? Well, now I not only have to visit, but I also have to see at least half a show.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
31. You know, I’d forgotten how much of the story is the other members of the family, and not just Ronny and Loretta.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
32. That look...the “Hello there! I have no idea what's going on, I’m just so happy to be here! With Loretta!” look Ronny does when they run into Cosmo SLAYS me.                                                                                                                                                                             
33. I feel like Olympia Dukakis is going to be glad she turned down Frazier’s dad, because when she sees him doing a scene with an undergrad in the middle of her favorite restaurant the next time she’s in there, she’ll be reassured he’s a giant idiot. Because they both go there all the time. Because it’s the only restaurant in the neighborhood apparently.                                                                                                                             
34. I understand how it could definitely be argued that Loretta made the wrong choice there...but GODDAMN do I understand why she made it. I’m pretty sure if anyone with those cheekbones ever looked at me like that and said “Get in my bed” I’d move so fast there would be a sonic boom.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
35. It’s really good that Johnny and Ronny’s mother recovered—otherwise everyone else would seem like very insensitive people.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
36. The look on both Olympia and Cosmo's faces: “Oh God. My daughter is going to marry a moron. This is terrible.” No one is happy to see Johnny when he turns up, poor guy.                                                                                                                                                                    
37. Wait. Did Ronny put his full tux BACK ON after their night of passion? Because a night of passion is implied, but why would a man put his entire outfit from the night before back on IN HIS OWN HOUSE?! I will never be able to unsee this continuity error. And his neighbors must love the wailing opera record at the crack of dawn.                                                                                                                                                                             
38. Oh, okay, so maybe he got dressed again with the intention of going after Loretta...but how did he find her house? Did he just go knocking on doors asking “Is Loretta home?” until he found someone who was like “You’re looking for the Castorinis—they live over on the corner of Cherrywood”? Or did he follow her somehow? That’s sorta creepy.                                                                                                                                                                    
39. MY GOD, THE CHEEKBONES IN THIS FILM                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
40. Is he trying to be a dick, or does he REALLY want oatmeal? The beautiful thing about Nicolas Cage’s performance here is that it’s so hard to tell.                                                                                                                                                                                                
41. I love that Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita show up in the middle of the Awkward Olympics, and instead of taking their bag and going, they’re like “Something exciting is about to happen, we should definitely stay. Ooh, coffee!” Maybe they actually enjoyed the dinner of extreme awkwardness? Maybe this is what they do for entertainment?                                                                                                                                                       
42. She didn’t make RONNY kneel to propose. Hmmmmmm...                                                                                                                                                                                               
43. Okay so: conclusions. This movie is still very silly, and no one in it has a clue about informed/enthusiastic consent, but I still adore it.                                                                                                                                                                                                               
44. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are my favorite Not-Nicolas-Cage characters.                                                                                                                                                                          
45. Cher is #LifeGoals.

"Are you there, Satan? It's me, Madison" - CBR13 #3 - Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

 Thirteen-year-old Madison Spencer--the chubby,  precocious, pampered daughter of two of Hollywood's brightest stars--discovers one day that she has died (of a marijuana overdose, of all things!) and is now in Hell. Hell, as it turns out, is just as gross as one would expect but significantly more boring. Determined to make the best of it, Madison finds some equally damned friends and begins her quest for something that perhaps resembles meaning?

As with all Chuck Palahniuk books, I'm not entirely sure whether I liked it. It was super weird, obviously. The premise started out weird and definitely spiraled out from there. However, that's really to be expected with any of his books. There are some sections with sexual content that actively squicked me out, so be warned.

I liked the character of Madison a lot. Her voice was strong, though I sometimes struggled to remember that she's supposed to be 13 (she comments a lot on her own vocabulary use, reminding the reader often that she is THIRTEEN not STUPID). While I enjoyed her pop culture references, there was a certain part of me who found the whole thing a bit unbelievable for someone her age. 

All of Palahniuk's usual quirks were present: repetition, gross-outs, unexpected twists, playing with familiar tropes, an unreliable narrator--and I liked them just as much as I usually do. I'm pretty sure that Chuck Palahniuk is one of those authors whom readers either REALLY LIKE or REALLY DON'T and there's not a whole lot of grey area in between.

While on the whole there was nothing particularly "new" here, there were some sections that really spoke to me, especially a chapter in which Madison deals with the collapse of her own image of herself. Her musings on what to do when it turns out the persona you've built and invested in over the course of years is suddenly shown to be inaccurate were super relevant to me.

I also love The Breakfast Club more than is reasonable, so when she collects a princess, a nerd, an athlete, and a criminal I may have cheered just a little bit.

On the whole, I'd say that this is probably not a book I'd recommend to someone who doesn't know already whether they like Palahniuk (for that, I'd probably point them toward Survivor or perhaps Fight Club) but I definitely would say I'm glad I read it.

CBR13 #2 - A Book of Luminous Things - Edited by Czesław Miłosz

 I don't think I've read a poetry anthology since college -- and even then, I mostly just read the poems we were studying and ignored both the commentary and all the other poems. A Norton Anthology of Poetry can be a very intimidating book, after all.

I didn't actually intend to read one this time, either. However, I happened to come across a poem by Eastern European poet Czesław Miłosz which I liked, and when I googled him I discovered he'd edited this anthology. I figured it might be nice to branch out and experience some new poets, so I picked it up.

When I started reading, I really appreciated what Miłosz had to say about the poems, why he'd included them, and how they related to each section of the anthology. He had some really great stuff to say about how poets over the centuries relate to nature, and why he like and had selected each poem. The selection leaned pretty heavily on Eastern European and ancient Chinese poets, but since I really like EE poetry and don't have a lot of experience with ancient Chinese poetry, I figured that would be a nice broadening experience.

After a while, I began to wonder if maybe Miłosz should have just done an anthology of Chinese poetry instead.

Still, I read on.

Then there came the chapter entitled "Women's Skin" which was ostensibly about women. 

Except only maybe a third of the poems were BY women. And of those that were, Miłosz was...somewhat uncomplimentary? As I read, I began to get a very distinct feeling that Miłosz was not super fond of women, or very interested in their work. His little descriptions and notes about the poems felt almost snide in their dismissiveness. 

After that, while I finished the book, I no longer trusted or appreciated Miłosz's observations.

It's a shame because I really did enjoy some of the poems. I probably would still even enjoy Miłosz's poems, but there are other places to find those. 

I would not recommend this book -- if you're interested in Chinese poetry from the 700s, you could probably find an anthology by a Chinese author that would be better, same with the modern Eastern European poets. 

CBR13 #1 - Psychedelicate: The Luckiest Guy Alive by John Cooper Clarke

 So it's been a while, but it's never too late to try and get back into the swing of things. Every year is a new opportunity to try and do the Cannonball Read.

I started out with a book by British poet John Cooper Clarke. I've seen Clarke several times as the Dictionary Corner guest on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, and I always really enjoy him. It took me a while to get one of his books, though, since it seems that his focus is mostly in spoken word performance rather than published work. This turns out to make a lot of sense because his poetry absolutely BEGS to be read aloud. There is something about his word choices and the way he strings them together that I find extremely enticing. 

The poem above, for example--the sound of the line "A rather dissolute but not yet destitute suit" and the way those words work together, combined with the repetition of the "oot" sound throughout is fantastic. Briscoe was not as impressed with my renditions--I will admit that my attempts at Clarke's accent were a massive failure--but I found speaking the words out loud really enhanced my experience.

Not all the poems are as good as this, of course. There are one or two that read as mildly homophobic or transphobic (nothing outright, really, but I noticed regardless) and some that I maybe don't get because they're more specific to Britain. However, for the most part, I enjoyed this little book quite a lot. His sense of humor is biting and slightly dark, which suits me right down to the ground, and his way of playing with language is just...fun.

On the whole, I'd recommend this to anyone who enjoys modern poetry, though I'd also suggest searching out some recordings of him performing his own work as well, since that's the way it's really meant to be consumed.

I'll end with one of his haikus:

No 1

To freeze the moment

In seventeen syllables

Is very diffic