New Year, Innit? (Intensive Navel-Gazing Ahead: Proceed With Caution)

So 2014 was a pretty eventful year.

The main thing that happened is that after nearly eleven years together, The Boyfriend and I split up. I will not pretend that this was "mutual" -- he was the one who decided to call it quits -- but I will say that I am coming to believe that this was the right move for everyone involved.

Of course, this meant that as of August 28, I kind of had to reboot my entire life. I had to find a new place to live and decide what kind of life I was going to make for myself. I managed, with an efficiency that frankly surprised me a bit, to find an apartment, pack, and move within three weeks. My cat and I headed back to our old neighborhood, and so far it's working out really well. I have four new roommates whom I really enjoy, and I've had a great time organizing and decorating my own space. Although I sometimes miss my old life, I'm quickly coming to realize that my old life actually had very little to do with me. It had a lot more to do with a person I was trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to be, and I don't especially miss her. We tried to handle the break-up as maturely and civilly as possible, and for the most part we've succeeded. While the feelings involved may not be nearly as amicable as we pretend, behavior has on the whole been polite. This has denied me the opportunity to get all Miranda Lambert about things, but has allowed me to keep in contact with The Boyfriend's sister, aunt, and grandmother, all of whom I like very much.

Anyone who knows me knows that there are few things I hate more than change, so this has been a real struggle for me. I've been lucky that my new roommates are fun, interesting people who have been open to forming friendships and sharing their social circles. They are also great with boundaries--if I want to hang out, there's usually someone to talk to, and if I would rather hole up in my room with Netflix, no one is offended. And everyone cleans up after themselves -- no crackmonkeys here!

I miss my old friends sometimes--while we are still friendly, they mostly belonged to The Boyfriend--but that will pass. I'll admit there were a few that I was mistaken about, thinking that we'd remain closer than we are. That was a painful lesson, one that never gets easier. However, on the other hand, I've probably been out more in the past two months than I had during the previous year, and to places I would never have expected to go. I've been to several parties where I only (slightly) knew a few people, and surprisingly (to me, anyway) I met new people and formed acquaintances that led to further invitations. When people have asked me to do things (cookie swap, Halloween for Christmas, icing 300 cookies) I've agreed with a smile and ended up having a good time. My philosophy this year is that unless I have a rational reason for refusing, when someone asks me to do something, I'm going to just say yes. Knit blankets for shelter cats? Yes! Pot-luck dinner? Yes! Boston Dyke March Organizational meeting? ...You know I'm not a lesbian, right? And that's okay? then yes!

I'm still working on initiating things, and that's obviously tough. Inside me will always be the middle-schooler who is terrified to throw a party and have no one show up. However, what's the worst thing that can happen in that circumstance? No one comes and I eat the dip myself? Yeah, okay, I might drink too much and cry myself to sleep, but pretty soon I'll have plenty of other friends. I've been reconnecting with people I let slide out of my life and making an effort to socialize with those who were previously on the periphery of my set.

The idea of dating again is still really too scary to contemplate. I feel like maybe I need to follow the advice of her Majesty Queen RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gon' love anybody else?" I need to make sure I like me before I try to convince dudes to do so. I also need to make sure I have a firm personality, so this time around I don't find myself years down the road trying to force my round personality into a square hole again. Maybe there's someone out there who doesn't think all the things I like are lame, stupid, or a waste of time. Someone who isn't going to be disappointed that I find all the things he thinks are fun completely torturous. But I need to be sure I know what I'm all about before I go looking for someone who is going to love me for me.

To sum up ("Finally!" you say, "If there is a point to this, could you please, please get to it?") I would like to lay out a few goals for the new year. The focus of this year will be on self-care and improvement at my own pace.

1. Say yes. Continue to make a concerted effort to accept opportunities as they present themselves. Saying yes leads to new experiences and new people, and new people lead to new friendships. Saying yes makes all that possible.

2. Celebrate the small victories. Did I hang a curtain rod by myself? Did I successfully cook a new recipe? Did I do something that scared me? Did I manage some mundane adult task that I've never had to do on my own before? Yay! I will not expect others to celebrate these tiny steps, but I will allow myself to take pride in my accomplishments, no matter how small or inconsequential.

3. Forgive myself. This shit is not easy. There are going to be days when merely getting out of bed, putting on clothes, and facing the world is the ultimate test of will power. I give myself permission to let the little things go on those days. If the socks are not in the hamper, there are soda cans on my desk, and all I managed to do after work was crawl into bed and watch old episodes of CSI, that's okay. Some days are going to be like that. The next day, I'll try to do better. There will be things I don't know that seemingly everyone else in the world does (What are storm windows for? I have to cut a butternut squash in half before I cook it? How do I work this goddamn corkscrew?) and that's okay. I'm still learning.

4. Accept myself. There are things I like and things I don't like, and I don't need to justify those things to anyone. I am under no obligation to make myself palatable to anyone. I, like Frank Sinatra, shall do it it my way, and those who don't like it don't have to participate. In the words of a great tweet I saw the other day, "Be vinegar. Be vinegar with no shame. Flies are terrible and they don't deserve you."

5. Read. Write. Draw. Sculpt. Go places. Visit museums. Try new restaurants. Cook things. Try new styles. Be shiny, glittery, and/or sparkly. Get involved in something. Read blogs by people from different walks of life. Check my privilege. Listen to different kinds of music. Speak up. Put on makeup. Decorate. Learn to walk in heels. Blog. Finish the Cannonball Read. Laugh. Remember that this, too, shall pass.

CBR6 #16: Dead Sea by Tim Curran

I really wanted to like this book. It seems like it should be right up my alley: maritime disaster? Check. Horror? Check. Survival on the high seas and the idea that the other survivors are the real danger? Check and check.

And yet...

The premise was great -- a ship taking a construction crew to South American travels into a thick, mysterious fog and emerges in a place that is very clearly not right. The fog seems almost alive -- and very unfriendly. Plus, it's full of creatures that shouldn't exist, and ships that aren't where they belong.

There were some great characters, too. The first mate, the cook, the undercover corporate spy -- all smart, interesting characters with solid voices. There was a good, love-to-hate human antagonist as well as the unknown fog monster. There was even a tough, capable female character. I liked the parts where characters discovered the history of some of the ships that had ended up in this place. All that was great.

The problem was that the story dragged significantly in the middle. Although I understood the desire to ratchet up the tension by leaving the characters adrift, I got awfully frustrated after a while watching the same situation play out repeatedly in each lifeboat. Something scary would happen, but then it would just go back to waiting and watching, and I would pray again that the separate groups would finally find one another so that something of interest could happen. Once they did combine, the ending rocketed on to a somewhat satisfying conclusion, but by then I was barely managing to keep interested.

I think this book might have benefitted from some solid editing. The story was rich and interesting, the characters had real potential, and there were some genuine scares that kept me up a night or two. There was just too MUCH of everything.

CBR6 #15: Joyland by Stephen King

Although I love his massive epics like IT and The Stand, I think where Stephen King shines the most is in his shorter fiction. At 283 pages, Joyland is comparatively short, but it allows the story to unfold in a more focused way, and avoids some of the bloated tangents that--though I love them--can make the longer works drag a little.

Devon Jones gets his heart broken, and on a whim decides to leave Maine spend the summer of his 21st year working at a small amusement park in the south called Joyland. As he learns the ways of the carnies--figuring how how to speak their lingo, keep the "rubes" in their places, "wear the fur," and "sell fun"--he also discovers the dark secret of the park--the unsolved murder of a young woman in the haunted house years before, who rumors say haunts the ride. Devon spends the summer saving lives and waiting for the predictions of the park's local psychic to come true. When fall comes, a chill will fall across Joyland, and Devon will be lucky if can survive it.

This was a first person story, and the character of Devon had a wonderful, clear voice. He was wry, self-deprecating, and interesting, and his narration moved the plot along. The side characters were interesting and fairly well fleshed-out, and I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen to them. The ending was also much better than I expected, it being a King book and all ;)

I'd recommend this to any King fan, and even those who may think they don't like his work should try it. It's more murder mystery/coming-of-age tale than a horror book, despite the occasional ghostly visit or psychic flash.

If you enjoyed this review, be sure to check out www.cannonballread.com for more great book reviews.

CBR6 #14: The Drought by Patricia Fulton

Yes, I am in fact alive. Some things in my life went totally pear-shaped there for a while, but it has not stopped me from reading. (I can't say it's done anything for my motivation to write about what I'm reading, but that's sort of a lingering issue anyway.)

Jared Riley knows something is wrong in his hometown of Junction, Texas. His mother's headaches are getting worse, one of his good friends disappeared down a drainpipe, and the temperature seems to have taken on a mind of its own, bent on destroying the town and everyone in it. People are losing their minds, and strange things are happening. It's up to a small group of concerned citizens to figure out what's happening and try to stop it before it's too late.

I liked this book a lot. The characters all felt reasonably realistic, and I was interested in their stories and anxious to find out what would happen to them (though in some cases the answer would be "nothing good.") The plot moved along, though I felt there was a little drag in the middle while the characters were trying to put all the pieces together. I really wanted them to hurry up and combine forces.

On the whole, this was a good read that utilized atmosphere, description, and suspense really effectively, while letting the personalities of the characters shine through and do the heavy lifting of the story. I'll definitely check out any further works from this author!

Also, if you like book reviews, you should check out The Cannonball Read blog, which is full of much better reviews than my sad little output here.

CBR6 #13: Haunted House by John Kilborn

I made it! A quarter Cannonball done... halfway to my low-bar goal for the year!

I didn't realize that this was a sequel to several other books by Jack Kilborn until after I was well into it, but that didn't keep me from enjoying the story (it just made me want to go find those books now, too!)

A group of people who had survived horrors almost beyond imagining (in Kilborn's other books, I assume) receive an invitation to participate in a scientific experiment regarding the nature of fear. Some are hesitant, some are enthusiastic, but most are unable to resist the draw of the rewards--both of cash and the potential to rid themselves of their crippling fear. Unfortunately, the experiment begins to go awry, and the survivors find themselves fighting for their lives once again, this time against entities that don't even know the meaning of fear.

I really liked the characters in this book, particularly the tough detective and the foul-mouthed dominatrix. I found myself really rooting for them all, and the tension when their were in danger kept me on the edge of my seat. The plot moved along fairly quickly, though I felt like there was some drag between the invitations being sent and the survivors arriving at the house. However, there were some interesting plot twists that I didn't see coming, and I really enjoyed the whole thing. In fact, I was so invested in what happened that I broke my own rule and finished the book at home, rather than waiting for my daily commute!

I'd recommend this one to people who like well-written horror, and plan to find the books that come before (and after) this one soon!

CBR6 #12: Eerie by Blake Crouch

I wanted to like this book, and it definitely did have redeeming features, but on the whole I was disappointed.

The story is that of Grant Moreton, detective and alcoholic, and his sister Paige, the family's black sheep. Paige has gotten herself more in-over-her-head than usual, and it's up to Grant to help bail her out. Except there's something evil under Paige's bed, and...

Yeah, it all sounded good in set-up, and the story definitely did have some moments of creepiness. The characters of Grant and Paige were both likeable and believable. Unfortunately, the story itself--and the conclusion in particular--wasn't nearly as interesting as it could have been. In my opinion, the author wasted the tension and atmosphere he'd been building with a flimsy and borderline nonsensical explanation. There were plot threads that led off to nowhere, and I just found myself deeply unsatisfied.

CBR6 #11: The Home by Scott Nicholson

Freeman Mills is a troubled kid. After bouncing around through a variety of foster homes and institutions, he finds himself at Wendover, yet another home. Unfortunately for Freeman, Wendover has a lot of secrets. Most of them are unpleasant. Some of them are dead. And for a kid with ESP, all of them are dangerous.

I liked this book a lot. It was part of a bundle I picked up via Kindle for $.99, and I didn't have a lot of expectations about what I'd be getting. The Home turned out to be a gripping little surprise. I enjoyed Freeman -- his voice and ways of thinking about things were great, and as a Clint Eastwood fan, I was particularly pleased by his attempts to live his life according to The Man With No Name's ethos. The characters of Vicky (Freeman's bulimic friend) and Starlene (a naive counselor at the home) were also empathetic and interesting. In general I found the protagonists relatable and intriguing. The antagonists were unfortuantely not as well fleshed out -- although the warden of the home was more detailed than the rest, I felt that some of the other "bad guys" were a bit two-dimensional.

The plot moved along at a reasonable clip, and I appreciated some of the narrative twists. I would have liked a little more background on the ghosts, but I think that's just a personal thing for me.

On the whole I found this to be a decent little horror book, and am interested to read more of the author's work.