Sunday, January 11, 2015

New Year, Innit? (Intensive Navel-Gazing Ahead: Proceed With Caution)

So 2014 was a pretty eventful year.

The main thing that happened is that after nearly eleven years together, The Boyfriend and I split up. I will not pretend that this was "mutual" -- he was the one who decided to call it quits -- but I will say that I am coming to believe that this was the right move for everyone involved.

Of course, this meant that as of August 28, I kind of had to reboot my entire life. I had to find a new place to live and decide what kind of life I was going to make for myself. I managed, with an efficiency that frankly surprised me a bit, to find an apartment, pack, and move within three weeks. My cat and I headed back to our old neighborhood, and so far it's working out really well. I have four new roommates whom I really enjoy, and I've had a great time organizing and decorating my own space. Although I sometimes miss my old life, I'm quickly coming to realize that my old life actually had very little to do with me. It had a lot more to do with a person I was trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to be, and I don't especially miss her. We tried to handle the break-up as maturely and civilly as possible, and for the most part we've succeeded. While the feelings involved may not be nearly as amicable as we pretend, behavior has on the whole been polite. This has denied me the opportunity to get all Miranda Lambert about things, but has allowed me to keep in contact with The Boyfriend's sister, aunt, and grandmother, all of whom I like very much.

Anyone who knows me knows that there are few things I hate more than change, so this has been a real struggle for me. I've been lucky that my new roommates are fun, interesting people who have been open to forming friendships and sharing their social circles. They are also great with boundaries--if I want to hang out, there's usually someone to talk to, and if I would rather hole up in my room with Netflix, no one is offended. And everyone cleans up after themselves -- no crackmonkeys here!

I miss my old friends sometimes--while we are still friendly, they mostly belonged to The Boyfriend--but that will pass. I'll admit there were a few that I was mistaken about, thinking that we'd remain closer than we are. That was a painful lesson, one that never gets easier. However, on the other hand, I've probably been out more in the past two months than I had during the previous year, and to places I would never have expected to go. I've been to several parties where I only (slightly) knew a few people, and surprisingly (to me, anyway) I met new people and formed acquaintances that led to further invitations. When people have asked me to do things (cookie swap, Halloween for Christmas, icing 300 cookies) I've agreed with a smile and ended up having a good time. My philosophy this year is that unless I have a rational reason for refusing, when someone asks me to do something, I'm going to just say yes. Knit blankets for shelter cats? Yes! Pot-luck dinner? Yes! Boston Dyke March Organizational meeting? ...You know I'm not a lesbian, right? And that's okay? then yes!

I'm still working on initiating things, and that's obviously tough. Inside me will always be the middle-schooler who is terrified to throw a party and have no one show up. However, what's the worst thing that can happen in that circumstance? No one comes and I eat the dip myself? Yeah, okay, I might drink too much and cry myself to sleep, but pretty soon I'll have plenty of other friends. I've been reconnecting with people I let slide out of my life and making an effort to socialize with those who were previously on the periphery of my set.

The idea of dating again is still really too scary to contemplate. I feel like maybe I need to follow the advice of her Majesty Queen RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gon' love anybody else?" I need to make sure I like me before I try to convince dudes to do so. I also need to make sure I have a firm personality, so this time around I don't find myself years down the road trying to force my round personality into a square hole again. Maybe there's someone out there who doesn't think all the things I like are lame, stupid, or a waste of time. Someone who isn't going to be disappointed that I find all the things he thinks are fun completely torturous. But I need to be sure I know what I'm all about before I go looking for someone who is going to love me for me.

To sum up ("Finally!" you say, "If there is a point to this, could you please, please get to it?") I would like to lay out a few goals for the new year. The focus of this year will be on self-care and improvement at my own pace.

1. Say yes. Continue to make a concerted effort to accept opportunities as they present themselves. Saying yes leads to new experiences and new people, and new people lead to new friendships. Saying yes makes all that possible.

2. Celebrate the small victories. Did I hang a curtain rod by myself? Did I successfully cook a new recipe? Did I do something that scared me? Did I manage some mundane adult task that I've never had to do on my own before? Yay! I will not expect others to celebrate these tiny steps, but I will allow myself to take pride in my accomplishments, no matter how small or inconsequential.

3. Forgive myself. This shit is not easy. There are going to be days when merely getting out of bed, putting on clothes, and facing the world is the ultimate test of will power. I give myself permission to let the little things go on those days. If the socks are not in the hamper, there are soda cans on my desk, and all I managed to do after work was crawl into bed and watch old episodes of CSI, that's okay. Some days are going to be like that. The next day, I'll try to do better. There will be things I don't know that seemingly everyone else in the world does (What are storm windows for? I have to cut a butternut squash in half before I cook it? How do I work this goddamn corkscrew?) and that's okay. I'm still learning.

4. Accept myself. There are things I like and things I don't like, and I don't need to justify those things to anyone. I am under no obligation to make myself palatable to anyone. I, like Frank Sinatra, shall do it it my way, and those who don't like it don't have to participate. In the words of a great tweet I saw the other day, "Be vinegar. Be vinegar with no shame. Flies are terrible and they don't deserve you."

5. Read. Write. Draw. Sculpt. Go places. Visit museums. Try new restaurants. Cook things. Try new styles. Be shiny, glittery, and/or sparkly. Get involved in something. Read blogs by people from different walks of life. Check my privilege. Listen to different kinds of music. Speak up. Put on makeup. Decorate. Learn to walk in heels. Blog. Finish the Cannonball Read. Laugh. Remember that this, too, shall pass.


No comments: