Chicago

Watched Chicago yesterday. Hated it. I mean, I liked the dance numbers, and the way everything was cut together was very very creative and impressive. However, the plot just blew. The characters were all simply horrible people and stayed that way right up through the end. The characters showed no development or change. There were just...vapid, greedy, cold, cruel, manipulative people. (With the exception of poor Amos, of course, played by John C. Reilly in the same role he played in The Hours with basically the same result--reasonably nice, well-meaning man fucked over by his annoying, whiny wife. Sweatsock would probably say this hostility could have something to do with my parents' relationship, and I'd probably agree with him.)

Possible Spoilers to a Terrible Movie Ahead: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

After all that irritation, I decided to reward myself by going to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. If you have not seen this movie yet--don't. Its only worth was its eye-candy (which, I'll admit, was fairly sizeable--Shane West with Heath-Ledger-in-A-Knight's-Tale blond hair, Stuart Townsend [who can now be added to the "men who look better with facial hair list], and Jason Flemyng looking DEEEELISH with all that lovely dark red hair) but for that, I'd recommend waiting until it comes out on video. The plot didn't make any sense, and the character development (or attention paid to the characterizations at all, really) was pretty much nil. We got a little "Oh, I'm Jekyll and Hyde upsets me" action, which Flemyng pulled off despite the rather cruddy script, but the thing between Mina Harker (who was a vampire who drank blood and called bats and flew, yet somehow wandered about quite happily in the sunlight) and Dorian Grey was left wholly sketchy. And Hyde (who is CGIed like the Hulk only flesh-colored and slightly less believeable) went good with NO explanation, Nemo's Kali-worship was left unexplained, and Skinner--well, okay, Skinner was a nice special effect, but not much of a character. The relationship between Quartermain and Sawyer was just stuck in there to fulfil a plot point and to tug a few heartstrings. Gargh. I want my $7 dollars back. Jason Flemyng was very very very attractive, but not $7 worth of attractiveness. Plus, how did that damn boat fit through the canals of Venice? I've SEEN Venice, and you couldn't fit a bloody TUGBOAT down one of those canals, let along the Nautilus at the size they were projecting. I should have skipped that piece of trash and just went ahead and seen Pirates of the Caribbean again.

"So there IS a curse. That's interesting.": Pirates of the Caribbean

Went to the movies today. If you have not yet seen Pirates of the Caribbean, go. Go now. Go right away. It's fucking AMAZING. If it doesn't get an Oscar nom at LEAST for the special effects, I am going to write someone an angry letter. And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp stole that picture lock, stock, and barrel. Orlando Bloom...well, he was pretty. I'll say that for him (though I quite agree with those who think he looks better with long blonde hair, pointy ears, and no facial hair.) However, I'll say that his best moment was the (allegedly improvised) imitation of Johnny Depp. Geoffrey Rush chewed some scenery, but was evil enough to satisfy everyone. Even the girl was entertaining--not a single weepy moment from her. And none of that lame "Oh, I'm just a girl, come rescue me" shit, either. She was proactive, and I like that in a heroine. And Captain Jack Sparrow...well, it was worth the ten bucks just to see that performance. It was basically Hunter S. Thompson as a pirate. There was even some ether-walking. It was great. I haven't been this charged up about a movie since 8 Mile. I'm thinking that I just may go see it again in the theater, it was THAT GOOD. Captain Jack is now added to my list of fictional males that I would bang. Are there posters yet? Must look into that, as I'm getting rather tired of James Dean. Jesus. I'm serious. GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Disney has finally made up for a great deal of the dreck they've put out for the past couple years. We all laughed when we discovered they were going to make a movie based on a ride, but what they did with it was amazing. And when you do go see it, be sure to sit through alllll the credits. I know there's a lot of them, but trust me--you'll thank me later. Wow.

Also, the trailer for the Haunted Mansion movie looked surprisingly good. Even if the plot is a little lame, it may be another comeback for Eddie Murphy, and at least the special effects look like they'll be entertaining. However, I think I'd rather gouge out my eyes than see the SpyKids 3-D movie.

A Short Review: Bridge Over the River Kwai

Just finished watching 'Bridge On the River Kwai.' Didn't like that either--at least in 'Chasing Amy', no one died.

The whistling bit was good, though.

Also, were I one of Nicholson's officers, the minute I got out of that disciplinary shack, I would have strangled him with my bare hands.

Woe Is Banky: Chasing Amy

Watched Chasing Amy today. Despite great performances from the leads and some fantastic comedic moments, I didn't like it. It depressed me. Ending = sad. And while I figure I was supposed to feel sorry for Holden because he lost the love of his life, oh poor guy, or maybe for Alyssa because Holden treated her like shit. Instead, the character I found myself sympathizing with most was Banky. I mean, he's got this great thing going, he and his best friend for 20 years--they live together, they work together, they hang out together--they're happy. Then along comes this woman and fucks everything up. They end up not even being friends, really. And okay, he was kind of a jerk in his attempts to get rid of her, but it's not like he was making shit up or anything. He was merely notifying Holden of facts that were more or less public record. And while maybe he was a little out of line, he did bring up some valid points about her possible agenda--and only then when his closest friend began trying to change him. Kevin Smith has a real hard-on for the whole "Best Friend vs. Girlfriend" storyline. It's kind of an interesting study. Oh, if only I had his drive and his gift for dialogue and characterization...Kevin Smith is SO my idol. And now I have seen ALL his movies, and count myself a true aficienado.

A Very Brief Statement: Road to Perdition

Road to Perdition didn't really live up to the hype. And Tom Hanks's "fathead" is only getting worse as he ages.

How Did I Get Talked Into This?: Vampiros Lesbos

"Vampiros Lesbos" = tragically terrible 1970s movie about lesbian vampires (obviously.) No graphic sex, but an excessive amout of naked women writhing and moaning. Did I mention it was all in German?

I am Spartacus!: Spartacus (duh)

No, I'm not really Spartacus. But I did watch the movie today. Kirk Douglas was very good, but he has a very disturbing chin. When I think of chiseled old actors, I think I have to prefer Burt Lancaster. But the cut-out scene where Crassus (Sir Laurence Olivier) hits on Antoninus (Tony Curtis) by asking whether he likes to eat oysters, snails or both was put back in, which made me happy. Apparently (I learned from reading the production notes) they had to re-dub that scene, and while Curtis is still alive, Olivier was not, so they had Sir Anthony Hopkins read his part. And there's your fascinating but random movie fact for the day. I liked the movie until the ending, which was predictably depressing. Blah.

"He's cute...you know, for a crazed killer...": American Psycho

Watched 'American Psycho' with Evil Puppetmaster. While I wouldn't necessarily call it "brilliant" I thought it was very good, and not as unsuccessful as Evil Puppetmaster argued. It was a nice satire on yuppie culture. And I personally found Patrick Bateman kind of loveable in that "unpleasant yuppie/psychotic killer" sort of way. It helps, I suppose, that I'd probably pay to watch Christian Bale sit on a box and breathe. However, watching him murder Jared Leto with a really really shiny ax was probably the high point of my day. Psycho killer, yes, but he has GREAT skin and an unerring fashion sense. Is that an equal trade-off? Some would say yes.

Assweasels!: Dreamcatcher

Went to see Dreamcatcher which was better than I anticipated. It's the first time the movie was better than the Stephen King book (at least that I've seen. I've admittedly never seen The Shining so one never knows.) In fact, the movie made MORE sense than the book, which was odd. I wouldn't see it again; the assweasels--which look like vaginas with teeth--are pretty scary. I thought most of the acting was very good, though Morgan Freeman's eyebrows sure chewed some scenery. And I only hid my face in my companion once--that first ass-weasel was a little bit traumatizing. I went to the bathroom shortly afterward, and have never been so frightened by an automatic flush toilet in my life. But I must admit, the movie was nowhere near as scary as Signs was.

The Miracle of Rotoscoping: American Pop

Watched the rest of American Pop with Stinky McGee. Oh, the miracle of rotoscoping. It wasn't a BAD movie. Not that I'm saying it was good--because it wasn't--but it was entertaining. I pretty much liked it until the end. Then they ruined everything by seguewaying from a bad cover of "Pretty Vacant" into Bob Segar's "Night Moves" and then inexplicably into "Blue Suede Shoes." BAh. Bah, I say.

Detective Monks and a Killer Virus

The Name of the Rose is wicked good. I'd be really interested in whether the preface is fact, or just something Umberto Eco added to the story, because it is for all intents and purposes a Sherlock Holmes book. I'm sure anyone who's ever read it knows this, but I was still highly amused.
1. The detective/monk is named William of Baskerville. (Hound of the Baskervilles)
2. The tale was written down by his young assistant. (Watson)
3. Brother William has a habit of chewing on a certain root, which leads to him being manic and indefatiguable sometimes, and lethargic and misery-ridden other times. (Holmes and his coke habit)
4. Brother William likes to startle people with his remarkably astute observations. (This is just obvious)
I'm only about 40 pages in, but not only am I enjoying the plot, I'm also enjoying the "Where's Waldo" aspect of watching out for other Holmes references. In the movie, Brother William is played by Sean Connery, and I must admit I'd just love to see that. Not only that, but the story is set at the monastery of Melk, which I happened to visit on my first trip to Germany (Remember it, BackinBlack? Wasn't it the one with the terrific view where everything was coated in gold? If we DID go there, BackinBlack probably has a lot of pictures, since I believe in the week we were abroad he took eleventy-billion roles of film...)

I'm also reading The Stand again--the uncut version, which apparently has, like, a hundred more pages than the first publication. It's a lot scarier than it was the first time I read it, due to the historical/contextural lense I'm viewing it through. See, basically, the US military developed this terrifyingly contagious, extremely deadly disease for biological warfare, but there was an accident, it got out, and it wipes out something like 90% of the world's population in about a week and a half. Right now, I'm still in the first few chapters, and there's all kinds of military cover-ups and manipulations of the media. Very creepy.

"Try getting reservations at Dorsia NOW!": "American Psycho" by Bret Easton Ellis

This is not an easy read. This is not a book for reading on a bench in the park on a sunny afternoon. This is a book that will torment you and stress you out and make you sweaty and neurotic. It is not necessarily chronological. It is gory and in places utterly revolting. You will probably not like a single one of the characters. There will be pages and pages where the narrator describes in excrutiating detail everything he eats, everything he wears, everything he uses in the shower. It is possible that you will hate the narrator.

That said, it is an amazing book and I love it. It is a bloody take on the rampant materialism and declining morality of the 1980s. It makes an excellent companion piece to 'Fight Club.'

Lord of the Rings: The Quick Version

"And we walked through a field. And then through a forest. And then to the mountains. Then through the mountains. How spooky are these mountains? Pretty spooky." -- The Bearded Prophet