The Caustic Critic's Fall Television Awards '05

So there are a handful of interesting new shows, several shows I'm discovering for the first time, and some beloved classics with new twists this fall. I've been meaning to discuss them for quite some time (notice how we're, like a full month into the fall season) but I haven't had the time previous to this. But now I have all the time in the world and a lot to say about the appalling number of television hours I watch. (God bless the DVR--without it...I'd probably have to get a hobby or something.)

Best New Show: Criminal Minds on CBS">This is yet another crime show, this time revolving around a group of FBI profilers led by Mandy Patinkin (you know, the guy in the cholesterol drug commercial who walks down the spiral staircase...oh, he was also Inigo Montoya--you killed his father, prepare to die.) There's nothing particularly new here--just a team made up of different personalities who investigate and track down dangerous criminals. However, I think the writing and characterization put this particular show in the "Best New" slot. I especially like the young genius, Patinkin's protege (Matthew Guy Gubler, previously seen as "Intern #1 in Life Aquatic.) He's nervous, geeky, too-smart-for-his-own-good, and--in my opinion--totally endearing. I also dig the developing friendly-flirty relationship between the departmental playboy (Shemar Moore) and the chunky but AWESOME tech (Kirsten Vangsness.) I feel like the writing on this show puts it above some of the others currently on TV, taking the time to develop characters and work in actual science and current techniques instead of just trying to draw the viewer with gory corpses and giant explosions (not saying that they don't have some of that, too, but it's not the focal point.) The only drawback is Thomas Gibson's wooden portrayal of the head agent. He sucked on Dharma and Greg and he still sucks now.

Worst New Show: Wanted on TNT > I was going to put Head Cases in this slot, but since I only watched ten minutes of the pilot and then it was cancelled after only two episodes, I figured it was already obvious to everyone that it sucked. Therefore, Wanted gets the award. Everything that's great about Criminal Minds is what sucks about this show. There were some attempts to develop the characters, but mostly those got bogged down in stereotypes and the main character's annoying interaction with his bitchy ex-wife and lame kids. (I have strange preference when it comes to my crime shows--I want to see the characters' personalities, but I don't want to be in their houses. I want to see how their personalities affect and motivate them ON THE JOB. I don't care what goes on at home--especially if it involves some miserable harpy.) I kept waiting for this show to get good--I watched it every week, the whole hour, hoping that maybe THIS week, it was going to finally figure out what the hell was going on. The cast seemed promising: Gary Cole of Office Space, Lee Tergesen (the very talented man behind the much loved Beecher from Oz), and Ryan Hurst, seen most recently in The Ladykillers. However, no amount of talent or effort on these poor beleagered actors' parts can make up for terrible writing and gimmicky editing. In a script littered with lame cliches, gratuitious violence, unneccessary explosions, and appalling police techniques, filmed in a style rife with lurching, jumpy cuts and pointless filters, these actors don't stand a chance. There were a bare few redeeming points that made the show watchable--the performance of Hurst as an ATF agent trying to find a way to reconcile his Christian faith with his job tracking down the worst and most evil members of society while keeping his own dark secrets under wrap is definitely a high point. Another is the surprisingly low-key and amusing performance of Josey Scott (lead singer of Saliva) as a pierced-tongue techno-geek. In conclusion, I spent an entire season of a show waiting for it to get good, and I was seriously disappointed.

Still Not Sure Just How I Feel About It New Show: Ghost Whisperer on CBS >Pros: Sometimes interesting plots, some real tearjerkers, interesting concept, Aisha Tyler can be funny. Cons: Jennifer Love Hewitt, some really lame plots, Aisha Tyler was better on CSI, Jennifer Love Hewitt's ridiculous wardrobe full of symbolic white flowy dresses, the fact that she helps all these people all the time in her small town, but every time something happens she has to explain yet again that she can talk to spirits and no one ever believes her, did I mention how much I hate Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Best Show I've Recently Discovered: Numb3rs on CBS > You know a show is good when it can make ME care about...MATH. Yes, math. The premise of the show is that an FBI agent (Rob Morrow, best known for his outstanding performance as Dr. Fleishman on Northern Exposure) who, when a case is really giving him trouble, calls on his brother Charlie (David Krumholtz, the nerd who got the dick drawn on his face in Ten Things I Hate About You) who is a math genius. Charlie then teams up with his eccentric and hilarious colleague Larry (Peter McNichol of Ally McBeal fame) to use math to help solve crimes. I know it sounds a little like Mathnet, but trust me, it's not. Do you know how remote-controlled car locks work? No? Me either, until I watched an episode of this show and Charlie explained it. The characterization is great--the dynamics between the two brothers (the rivalry, the competition, and yet still the affection), their relationship with their father (Judd Hirsch of Taxi), their relationships with women (yes, there is personal life in this show, but it's actually surprisingly interesting), and of course their feelings about the crimes themselves. In addition, there are two great female roles on this show (something not often seen in crime shows). Don's partner is a tough talking detective who seems to be developing a soft spot for the geeky Larry, and Charlie's grad student/assistant Amita is a brilliant Indian woman who may or may not have the hots for Charlie. I wouldn't usually endorse anything having to do with math, but I think this is a must-see for math geeks and regular people alike.

Runner-Up: Cold Case on CBS > Okay, yes, it's another crime show. But I love them, so leave me alone, all right? Good. This is another one that has pretty good writing (though it occasionally comes dangerously close to being corny). I haven't watched it enough to see the characters be that fleshed out, but what I've seen so far has been acceptable. The focus in each episode is on the case (as it should be) and I enjoy the way these cases unfold, usually through witness flashbacks. I'm not so sure about the gimmick of showing characters at their current age and sometimes flashing to them in their current setting but as themselves at the time of the crime. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't--if the crime happened when the character was a teenager in 1970, then the flashback makes sense, but if it happened three years ago, it seems kind of ridiculous (of course, I suppose you have remain consistant with gimmicks like that.) However, I very much appreciate that they consistantly use music from the year the crime happened throughout the episode--it definitely helps to put the viewer in the proper context. The main character is pleasant but kind of annoying in her good-hearted earnestness, but the other members of her team--cynical older veteran detectives, a hunky yet sensitive detective, and now a new, enthusiastic young female detective even things out a bit. Also, the final montage which revisits all the players in that episode's story (flashing both their present and past forms) and then the appearence of the victim at the end is pretty hokey, not to mention suspiciously long.

Best New Twist in an Old Show: Law & Order: Criminal Intent on NBC > I can sum it up in one sentence fragment: Chris Noth as Detective Mike Logan. I loved him ten years ago when he was on the original, and I still love him now.

Worst New Twist in an Old Show: Law & Order on NBC > I realize that this is actually a twist that happened last season, but I am still pissed off: Detective Fontana sucks. He's annoying and obnoxious and if you think he is Lenny Briscoe-alike, let me tell you something: I remember Lenny, and he is NO LENNY. I realize that Jerry Orbach (God rest his soul) had to be replaced. However, Dennis Farina (Cousin Avi in Snatch--and this character is so similar it's almost frightening) is NOT the proper replacement. Not to mention that he's kind of crooked and hello, I am so not interested in his "mysterious and shady" past. Also, I dislike the new ADA--I had just gotten used to the last one. Okay, I am picky about this show, but it's my most consistanly watched show since I was about 11--it's like a part of the family.

Best New Reality Show: The Apprentice: Martha Stewart > It's kind of comforting to realize that this is pretty much the only "new" reality show this season. (I'd like to point out that Hell's Kitchen, which was on during the summer season was MUCH MUCH better--mostly because Gordon Ramsay is just totally AWESOME--but unfortunately doesn't really qualify for this award. However, when it comes on again [whenever that is] you should definitely watch it.) This version of The Apprentice makes a lot more sense to me than the original did. The tasks seem to at least sort be connected to what Martha Stewart does--each episode has a "Martha Lesson" so there is some kind of focus for the teams to build their project around. They have also had tasks that seemed like real jobs and less like sheer publicity stunts (writing a children's book, decorating a themed hotel suite). There is of course the usual mix of interesting/charming/annoying/crazy people to keep the dynamics interesting (I'm rooting for Howie, but that's just me.) Plus, you all are aware of how I feel about Martha. She can pretty much do no wrong as far as I'm concerned, so I'm interested in seeing (even a skewed view of) how she runs her business. Plus, she's a lot less creepy than "The Donald", and I really dig the chilly little notes she writes to those booted off.

Best New Season of an Old Reality Show: Survivor: Guatemala on CBS > First of all, the season began with the survivors doing a 24-hour, 11 mile hike through the Guatemalan jungle followed by a canoe race just to determine where each tribe would be living. Apparently, the cries from viewers that the past few seasons were "too easy" were heard by Burnett and crew. This season has been the most difficult I've seen since I began watching Survivor. The challenges have been very difficult, and the tribal switch-up in the most recent episode has definitely kept everyone on their toes. I will say that bringing back Stef and Bobby Jon from last season seems a little contrived, but I can't complain too much, as they were my favorites. Of course, Stef has become less "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar" and more "I am Woman, Hear Me Whine", but BJ is still awesome, if not particularly classy or intelligent. I'm anxious to see how the alliances will shake out. So far, Stef's bad luck cloud hasn't abated, and the tribes have been voting off those who are perceived as weak or lazy. It's still too early for much individual strategizing, but I figure BJ won't last too long once that happens, since he has until this point survived on sheer brute strengh and bullish determination. The Boyfriend and I watch this together every week and during the commercial we discuss what's going to happen, what people might do, and what we'd do if faced with the same situation. It's probably one of my favorite parts of the week, so I suppose I could be biased toward this show just a bit.

Best Guilty Pleasure Reality Show: America's Next Top Model on UPN > There's nothing quite like watching a bunch of vapid chicks compete against each other at bizarre and totally random tasks. The sub-plots are obviously heavily edited, the shoots are usually extremely ridiculous ("Now we're going to dress you up entirely in pompoms, paint your face orange, hook you up to this camel, blow sand and wind at you with this giant fan, and then fly you and the camel through the air on a cable in front of a green screen--now look sexy!") and the girls tend to be amazingly stupid. However, watching them begin to frazzle and start to break down and attack each other is a lot of fun. I always pick the wrong one to root for (as I've mentioned before, it's always the tall, awkward, small-town girl who is confused about her sexuality and incapable of walking in heels) but it's interesting to see who gains weight, who has a total breakdown, who hates her make-over, who gets sick, who gets ostracized, who quits, who lasts and who doesn't. I will admit that I find both of the Js somewhat annoying (though Miss J's Esther Williams get-up was a high-light of last week's episode and Mr. J actually gave useful advice during the photo shoot, which was probably a first...) and that Twiggy--fashion icon or no--is inutterably dull when compared to the clinically insane Janice Dickinson. Oh, and Nigel is cute, but he still creeps me out just a little.

So there you have it--the picks and pans of the Fall 2005 schedule. This list (with the exception of Survivor) is made up of the shows that I tend to record and watch when The Boyfriend is either busy or at work, so this is purely my opinion. Were you to ask him, he'd likely say that ALL of these (except the previously mentioned) totally suck. There are of course some great fall-backs, as well as some shows (Scrubs, Arrested Development) that I always mean to watch and dont, some that I end up watching whether I like it or not (Celebrity Poker, World Poker Tour, Poker Superstars,), and some that we watch regularly together (Simpsons, Family Guy, Good Eats, Pardon the Interruption, Hockey).

Miller's Crossing

We watched Miller's Crossing, a Coen Brothers movie, yesterday. It's really very good--even better than I expected. It's a 1930s gangster movie, but it's extremely well done. Gabriel Byrne does an excellent job as the star. He's a guy caught between these two warring factions, using and being used by everyone. It's very similar to The Big Lebowski in that way, that everyone has something going on, and there's one guy in the middle trying to figure out what's going on and what the next move should be. The difference is that Byrne's character is very SMART, smarter by far than the Dude, and thus is able to do much more of his own Machiavellian manipulation. The cinematography was great--no weird tricks or gimmicks. The script was well-written, incorporating period lingo without being cheesy, and there were no plot-holes that I really noticed. Every action had a reason and a consequence, and in the end it became clear both what everyone's motives were and what the ultimate consequences of the actions would be. In all, I think it's a top-notch film and highly recommend it to anyone who likes a well-made movie, particularly to Coen brothers fans.

Two For One: "Suspect Zero" and "A Dirty Shame"

Suspect Zero was all right, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. I found the acting to be reasonable, though I think they could have found someone a bit more effective than Aaron Eckhart for the lead--though perhaps the point was that he is so Nordic and whitebread looking. The story was decent--an interesting twist on the usual "chase the serial killer" genre--but nothing to write home about. (I did appreciate that when Suspect Zero was finally found he was an average looking guy since--contrary to people's usual thoughts--serial killers are generally not hunchbacked, drooling, crazy-eyed maniacs. Most of them, in fact, are average in the extreme. Take the BTK killer for example: if you look at him, he looks a little off, but no more off than a lot of other people you see on the street every day.) However, my main problem with this was very similar to my issue with Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow--no, not Gwyneth Paltrow--a reliance on visual effects rather than a strong story. I guess I just don't like when the director of a thriller tries to place too much responsiblity for tension on effects instead of on a tight story and top notch action. I don't WANT to be scared by a red filter or visual distortion or scratchiness. I want you to crawl into my head and freak me the fuck out from the inside. Look at Alfred Hitchcock--that man could make a shot of blood swirling down a drain more terrifying than anything in Suspect Zero. He understood how to pick the right shots, the right actors, the right lines of dialogue. He didn't need to use a red filter to signal "Look! Scary stuff is happening! WhoooOOOooo!" A single look, a quiet line of dialogue, even a shot of an object in the right place was enough for Hitchcock to scare the living shit out of you. I think most contemporary thriller directors have lost that ability.

A Dirty Shame is something else entirely. First of all, I don't think I've ever seen so much dick in a non-porno film in my life. (No, I take that back, actually, The Pillow Book probably had more, but that at least had Ewan McGregor--this movie was mostly extremely ugly people's penii.) I feel like Waters had come almost the full circle, back around to the intentional disquiet of Pink Flamingoes. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what point Waters was trying to make, and that bothers me, because I know he had one. Perhaps the whole point was to make the viewer extremely uncomfortable. I mean, I feel like I'm a pretty tolerant person. I don't care what people do in their bedrooms as long as they aren't harming anyone. And while I figure I'm fairly sexually average (I'm not really into anything super kinky, but I'm aware those things are out there--mostly, actually, from watching CSI and SVU--and that there are some people who really enjoy them) there were things in this movie that made me extremely uncomfortable. Perhaps because everything was so extreme and out-of-control. And maybe that's Waters' goal--rubbing the viewer's face in it, you know, like "Hey! Look at this! Look at this! Does this make you uncomfortable? Do you think this is okay, but this is dirty? Does this upset you? Look at this!" Maybe making people look at their own views of the world, show those of us who think that we're tolerant and hip that maybe we're not as cool as we think we are. And the whole idea of a concussion bringing on sex addiction--is he trying to comment on the fact that in our society, most people think you have to have some kind of excuse to enjoy sex, particularly the kinky sort; that if you get a sexual rise out of shitting on people or rubbing up against people or acting like a giant infant that there must be something WRONG with you? And what about Johnny Knoxville's character Ray-Ray's portrayal as a sexual Christ figure, leading his disciples into the sexually liberated promised land? I can't tell you whether I'd recommend this movie, since I'm not really sure how I felt about it. I will tell you that after watching it, I literally had to go take a shower because I felt dirty. (I'm amazed that this picture got a mainstream release, frankly.) As for the acting and the directing...I didn't really notice it. I will say that I was surprisingly impressed with the performances of Chris Issak and Selma Blair--neither of them are really known for strong acting talent, but they were both great. I was also amused to see that Waters had many of his weird little regulars (Mink Stole, Patty Hearst) return. I'd say that my biggest problem with it was that Johnny Knoxville didn't get naked, ha ha (no, really. I was really hoping.) Mostly I'm frustrated by the fact that I feel like I missed out on what John Waters was trying to tell me. If any of you have seen it and have thoughts, please please tell me what YOU thought

Batman Begins

The Boyfriend and I went out to see Batman Begins. I was surprised by how much I liked the movie. I thought it was going to be your typical action super-hero movie, but it was impressively intelligent (in my humble opinion.) While I did sort of miss the whole crazily dressed villians, it was kind of nice that the bad guys had a better motive for doing what they did than "Hee hee! I'm deranged!" The idea of actually tying crime in a super-hero movie to economic factors and their effects on the city was a novel one, and made the film seem more intelligent. I thought it was particularly well-written, and appreciated the fact that the director left in important backstory and character development instead of doing what many directors do and chopping that out in order to squeeze in another explosion or unnecessary fight scene. All the characters had their own distinct personalities and motivations, and I was thrilled with the acting (except for Katie Holmes--that poor girl not only makes terrible relationship decisions, but she couldn't act her way out of a wet paper back with a flashlight and a machete. Didn't help that her character--like most female characters in Batman movies with the exception of Catwoman--was a self-righteous bitch. That was the one part I found disappointing.) Christian Bale had just the right balance of brooding mystery and charming socialite. Sir Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman--both of whom I enjoy in almost everything I've every seen them in--were spot on. Caine was particularly adept at providing comic relief while still functioning as Bruce Wayne's emotional anchor. Cillian Murphy was very pretty, and performed ably enough. Liam Neeson chewed some scenery here and there, but mostly behaved himself. I found Gary Oldman somewhat miscast as good cop Gordon. Perhaps because I'm not used to seeing him be a nice guy--usually he's evil in everything he does. Not to mention that he looked revolting. Anyway, I was pleased with the movie over-all, and highly recommend it to any of you who haven't seen it yet. I also will be looking forward with pleased anticipation for the follow-up. Christian Bale in the Batsuit--can it ever be a bad thing?

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

I know it's been, like, a week since we actually sat down and watched The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, but I haven't really had the time until now to discuss my feelings on it. Not to mention the fact that I'm not entirely sure exactly what my feelings about it are.

I'm still not sure if I liked the movie or not.

While I was thoroughly disappointed by the way things ended, at the same time, I suppose to have things turn out differently would have been one of those fake Hollywood happy endings that everyone (except me) hates. The Boyfriend didn't really like it, because he thought the whole film was too "weird." Personally, the deliberate weirdness is what I particularly enjoy about Wes Anderson films. I love the bizarre flashbacks, strangly constructed sets, and absurdist plots. In fact, had it not been for the sad ending, I think I would have really loved it--not as much as Royal Tennenbaums, obviously, but quite a bit. The way the ship set was built--Anderson intentionally made it seem more like a huge diarama of a ship. It was almost as though he was presenting the whole film as a staged play, a reversal of what he did in Rushmore (within which films were presented as stage plays.) Another interesting decision from Anderson involved the soundtrack. Although there were the expected small instrumental interludes, the use of the Portuguese(?) acoustic versions of Bowie songs was unexpected. I found myself trying to figure out what their purpose and function was (not to mention trying to figure out which particular song was being played at any given time.) I'm not sure I like that particular musical choice, but at least it was something different. I thought that the characters, though totally ridiculous, were also extremely distinct. The performances from Billy Murray, Angelica Huston, and Cate Blanchet were in my opinion spot on. As much as I adore Owen Wilson, I don't know that I necessarily bought the relationship between he and Murray entirely. Wilson's character seemed almost too sweet through most of the film, though I suppose in the end that's what makes the ending effect me the way it did. So I guess what I'm saying is: if you enjoy the Wes Anderson oevre (yay! I managed to work in the word "oevre"! I only hope I've spelled it correctly)--more so Tennenbaums than Rushmore or Bottle Rockets, then you might enjoy it. I'm not saying that fans of Rushmore WON'T enjoy it, I'm just saying I think it probably appeals more to the more delicate sense of whimsy displayed in Tennenbaums. So if that's your bag, you might like it. If not, I'd recommend just going ahead and skipping it.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

The other day, The Boyfriend and I watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

The Boyfriend liked it.

I thought it was A MONSTEROUS PILE OF CRAP.

First of all, I think the whole retro-fuzzy-filter thing is gimmicky, not cool. But my main problem is with Gwyneth Paltrow's character. She is a scheming, lying, ambitious bitch and I wanted her to die. Not to mention that this is yet another movie where the heroine can't run more than ten feet during an emergency without falling down. And when the giant robots are smashing down the street, does she evacuate with everyone else? No, she has to stay and take pictures. So here come the robots, stomping down the street, smashing everything in their path. Does she run off into an alley to avoid being crushed? No, she staggers around in the middle of the street trying to take pictures, only to fall down and cower under the decending foot of a robot until Jude Law comes along and saves her. If you're going to be an ambitious bitch character, you can't also be a wimpering pussy. It just makes you extremely unlikable. Not to mention that every time the opportunity presented itself, she made THE STUPIDEST DECISION POSSIBLE. I felt strongly that Jude Law should have dumped her out of the plane over the ocean somewhere along the way--would have made his life significantly easier. Plus, Angelina Jolie and Giovanni Ribisi (the only two reasons I even watched the movie in the first place, since I hate Jude Law and am not crazy about Gwyneth) were only in the movie for a combined total of probably 20 minutes. Actually, I thought Angelina should have killed both Jude AND Gwyneth and gone after Giovanni herself. She probably would have done it a lot more efficiently. ALSO: if you're a mad scientist and determined to build a spaceship to sail away and incinerate the earth, do you build escape pods into the ship? Why would you? You'd theoretically have nowhere to escape TO. To sum up, it SUCKED. Unless you like tacky special FX and bickering banter that was done 934579347593874592374957395 times better fifty years ago by Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart in "The African Queen", just skip it. You know, I have always hated Jude Law (not as much as I hate Russell Crowe or fucking Dame Judi Dench. Still, that leaves a lot of room for hating...), but I was beginning to like Gwyneth. Too bad.

Books I

Let's start with literature. Lately, I've been re-reading some classic books from my childhood--just for shits and giggles, you know. See if they still hold up now. So many things don't, you know. So many things you like as a kid seem really stupid when you get older. However, I do have a couple books that stand up to the test of time:

1. The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. This was my favorite book from first through fifth grades. I did a book report on it every year (and by "did a book report" I don't mean turned in the same book report five times. I wrote new and increasingly complex reports every year. The only reason my fifth grade teacher caught on was because she was looking at the book and noticed on the sign-out card that I was the only one to have ever signed it out, and I'd signed it out six times in five years.) It's a mystery, and I think the indicated reading level is about fourth or fifth grade, but it still holds up now, since as an adult, I can read into it motives and between-the-lines commentary that I would never have noticed as a child. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a quick, funny, interesting read. The movie, Get A Clue! is not so good, though is notable for an appearance by the very attractive Shane West as a blond, stuttering computer-genius in a wheelchair.

2. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. This book--about Milo, a boy who was always bored and never interested in anything--is a fantastic journey through the Lands of Wisdom. It's an allegory (at least I believe that's the world that I'm looking for) about being observant, taking joy in learning, and enjoying every day to its fullest. While probably best for a young audience, I know that reading it reminded me not to be so jaded and cynical. The animated film is pretty good, though tough to find.

3. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli. This one doesn't stand up so well to the test of time. Aside from being totally unbelievable, the message (a good message, mind you, about not being prejudiced and about what makes a family and such) kind of whacks you over the head. I remember when I first read it, I thought of Maniac as some kind of romantic hero (I was, like, nine. What do you want from me?) but now he seems WAY too good to be true. There are still parts I enjoy (the house of two toasters and young Jeffrey's subsequent break-down, Cobble's Knot, the baby buffalo) but this one should probably be left to the younger set. There was some talk about making a film of this one, starring Elijah Wood, but it never came about.

A Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,
Hermes is not racist. They do not hate you. They were CLOSED. I know this is hard for you to understand, but just because you're rich and famous does not mean you control the world. I know this must be hard for you--let me try to explain: sometimes, stores close. And there may be times that people are in the store and moving around, but the store is closed. There is a reason for them being closed. I'm sure that if they could have, they would have let you in to shop because you've got money coming out every oriface of your body, and they want it just as much as everyone else does. However, they were CLOSED. Sometimes I go to stores, and the doors are locked, even though there are people inside who appear to be shopping. This means that store is CLOSED. I'm white, and I can't get in. You may not be able to process this idea, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I know that you think you're hot shit because you have a television show and you're like the world's richest woman or something. However, it saddens me to say that the world does not revolve around you. Now why don't you shut up and go back to being a shill for publishing companies.
Yours Truly,
CC

A Letter to Andie MacDowell

Dear Andie MacDowell,
For the love of all that is holy, please stop acting. Your performances in simple commercials give me violent nausea, so you can imagine how I feel when you're cast in a movie that might have been really great had YOU not been in it. Seriously--why don't you go and find another job--something that maybe doesn't require acting. Or speaking, really.
Most sincerely,
Not a Fan
P.S. Please pass this message on to Jason Patric because he also sucks. Not as much as you, of course, but still pretty hardcore.

Sleepers

I just finished reading Sleepers again, and as usual, it leaves me with a great desire to see the movie. Unfortunately, I KNOW that I'll be disappointed with said movie. Why? you ask. Well, you'd think it would be a pretty good movie. I mean, the plot is gripping and interesting and the movie is jam-packed with starpower. I mean, come on: Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Brad Renfro, Minnie Driver, Billy Crudup, Brad Pitt, Kevin Bacon AND Ron Eldard (whom I secretly find considerably more lust-worthy than Brad Pitt for reasons still unknown) all in the same movie! Yet the movie fails. The reason for this abysmal failure lies with the time period the movie was filmed in. It was filmed during a time when heads of studios and casting directors alike shared the tragic and mistaken idea that Jason Patric could act. Yes, I know you are all wondering how a misconception of this magnitude could have occured, and I have no easy answers for you. All I know is that for some reason he was given the narrative lead in this movie and he single-handedly causes it to plummet to earth in a ball of flaming wreckage. He's like an enormous black hole of talent, and the rest of the cast must struggle valiantly but ultimately in vain to to avoid being sucked in with him. I simply can't imagine why they chose Jason Patric for that part. What--was Edward Norton busy? Johnny Depp wasn't interested? They couldn't even get a Baldwin brother (the younger two Baldwins kind of suck, but they are not even in the same league of suckitude as Jason Patric.) As you may have noticed, I find it tremendously irritating that a movie I want so badly to like (how often does Ron Eldard even get close to top billing?) is just so unbearably awful. Fuck the studio system!

Cold Mountain, Harold & Kumar, Spongebob Movie

Friday I watched Cold Mountain. (If you haven't yet seen this film and don't want to know what happens, just skip on down to the next entry.) Frankly, I thought it sucked. The only people in the movie worth paying attention to were Renee Zellweiger and maybe Jack White. I could happily have lived without just about everyone else. Particularly Jude Law. "I'm walking, I'm pouting and sullen, oh, does she love me or not? Oh, what is war for?" Yeah, shut up. And Nicole Kidman was alright in her interactions with Renee, but otherwise it was a lot more "Oh, woe is me! Does he still love me? When is he coming back? Oh, weep weep I'm so weak and I don't know WHAT I'll do!" Yeah, shut up. And you spend all that time with the two lovers writing sappy letters to each other and mooning around, and in the end (LOOK OUT! HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!) he fucking dies anyway. Why didn't he do that an hour and a half earlier and save us all a shitload of grief? I grow ever closer to adding Jude Law to the list of actors whose movies I simply will not watch, a list which already includes Russell Crowe (whom I loathe with a passion undying) and George Clooney.

We also watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle which was a RIOT. Aside from being a funny movie with guest appearances by Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie!), Ryan Reynolds (Grr!), and CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI (WHOOOOOT!), Harold and Kumar remind me a lot of myself and Darling Hacking Cough (and not just because Kumar is Indian, either.) The dynamic between them is so very similar sometimes to the way that Darling Hacking Cough and I interacted. You know,
DHC: "Let's go and do ____________!"
Me: "I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea. I mean, __________ could be dangerous. We could die or be arrested...it's just not safe."
DHC: "Okay, you're probably right. Now put on your shoes and let's go."
Me: "But...I don't know. Death! Injury! Legal repercussions!
DHC: "Come on, seriously. Put on your shoes and let's go or we're going to miss it."
Me: "But..."
DHC: "Don't be a ninny."
Me: "Oh, all right. But if we die, don't say I didn't warn you."
DHC: "Right, whatever."

In conclusion, if you have not yet seen this movie, I suggest you go and rent it right away.

Oh, and we also rented the Spongebob movie. It was all right, but very weird. Also, Scarlett Johannson is not much of a voice actor.

1776

I watched 1776 yesterday, which was entertaining through frankly not very GOOD. I mean, some of the singing was just plain terrible. However, it was interesting to see (a fictional representation of) what led up to the ratification of the Declaration ofIndenpendence. Despite having taken the requisite field trips to the Liberty Bell and whatnot in Philadelphia (and one thing I will say for the movie is that their descriptions of Philadelphia weather are exactly as I remember it--unbearably hot and muggy and overwhelmed by flies) but I don't think I really learned much. I mean, I had no idea that slavery was even debated at that time. Must say the whole thing gave me a new respect for John Adams and the crew from Massachusetts while making the Pennsylvanians look like a bunch of money-grubbing, syncophantic tools.

Grand Theft Parsons

In other news, there's not really any other news. Last night The Boyfriend and I finally got around to watching our movie we rented from Blockbuster ages ago. It was actually pretty good. It's called Grand Theft Parsons and it's about Gram Parsons's (a singer from the 70s, famous for performing with the Flying Burrito Brothers and also for his album 'Return of the Grevious Angel' which has since been reinvented as a kick-ass tribute album) road manager, Phil Kaufman (played BRILLIANTLY by Johnny Knoxville--have I mentioned lately that I am crazy about Johnny Knoxville? In fact, I will probably go see Dukes of Hazzard when it comes out just because he's in it...) who, after Gram dies of a drug overdose, steals the body in order to keep a pact he made with Gram that the first one of them to die should be taken out in the Joshua Tree Desert and set on fire. It's a more-or-less true story. Of course, they didn't really do Gram's death up the way it should have been done (allegedly, Gram was with two hookers when he OD'd. They put him in a bathtub full of ice--which they apparently thought would help rouse him from his drug-induced stupor--and when that didn't work, applied the quaint folk remedy of shoving ice up his ass; Gram came around just long enough to look around him, take in his situation, say "Ladies, what HAS become of me?" and then die) but other than that, I had no real problems with it. The movie also featured Mike Shannon (the mother's redneck boyfriend in '8 Mile' or Pete the gay redneck busdriver in 'Cecil B. Demented) as a hilarious stoned-out hippy getaway driver, and Christina Applegate as Gram's money-grubbing ex-girlfriend. I was highly entertained and amused. I recommend you go try to find a copy. Also, the soundtrack rocked.

Shallow Grave and other musings

The Boyfriend and I watched 'Shallow Grave' (Thank you, Netflix!) the other night, and it was not bad. I wouldn't call it the best movie ever, but it was entertaining, at least. For those of you who like Ewan McGregor, he looked very good (though for those of you who watch Ewan McGregor movies purely to see him get naked--Agent Man, you know I am looking at you, here--you'll be disappointed, as the only guys to get naked in this one are Christopher Eccleston and a bloated dead guy.)It's a tight little thriller, though nothing exactly new or special (it's by the same guy who directed 'Trainspotting'). The only reason I even heard of it is that the preview was on the video rental of 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.'

Right now, we've got 'Clay Pigeons', 'The Ice Storm', and 'Ghost World' to watch. The Boyfriend is non-plussed, as he is not so much a fan of artsy indie pics, though he loved 'Garden State' as much as I did. His favorite things to watch seem to be televised poker, cooking shows, sport shows, and science shows with Alan Alda (I have to admit that I, too, dig the Alan Alda shows. The other day, he managed to work a M*A*S*H* reference into one of them, and I was SUPER PSYCHED because I am a tragic nerd.) I have been trying to watch more educational programming, but it's hard. The other day, we watched some show about a giant volcano in 1816 that affected the world's climate for, like, two years. And yesterday, I watched a show about how archaeologists think they may have found the remains of the cities biblical scholars consider to be Sodom and Gomorrah (sorry to say, My Lady Disdain, there seems to be no scientific evidence of crazy orgies or anything of that nature.)I think The Boyfriend watches too many science shows, and he thinks I watch too many crime shows. I explained to him that I feel like I'm getting just as much information out of my shows (not to mention more USEFUL information) as he is from his. I figure knowing what to do in the event of a crime is much more useful than knowing...well, ANYTHING about string theory. So there's a theory the universe is made out of strings or whatever. So fucking what? Who cares? Will knowing those theories raise my salary or give me any kind of satisfaction? No. Will they help me out in an emergency? No. I know it's probably very ignorant of me, but I can't seem to force myself to be interested in the nature of the universe or any of that junk. I don't care how the universe got here--it's here. I don't care how scientists think it maybe might possibly theoretically end--it's perfectly likely that it'll be blown up in a nuclear holocaust before any of that stuff has a chance to happen.

Kill Bill 1 & 2

Last weekend, we finally got around to watching Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2. And I really liked the first one, but...well...I thought the second one kind of sucked. It's like Tarantino was like "Um...I have to finish this up, tie everything together, and make my POINT. But I'm tired. So I'll just bang this out in two days and be done with it." The first movie was great--there was lots of development and humor. I loved the explanation of O-Ren and her posse. The second movie explained nothing. It was like "This is Elle Driver. And she's kinda evil. This is Budd. Oh yeah, he's Bill's brother." Not to mention the fact that after all that build-up, Bill turned out to have become this lame-ass soccer dad who loves to make PB&Js with the crusts cut off. Also, the second volume had way too much of what Professor Flamejob (my former playwrighting teacher) would have called "talking heads." As this is my fatal flaw, I recognize it in others. In some formats, it isn't so bad. In movies like Garden State, you can get away with it because that's what it is--it's about small interactions between people. However, Kill Bill is not about subtle interactions between people. It is about bad guys getting hacked to pieces with swords and flailing giant metal balls on chains at one another. There was only one good fight in the second movie, and no one even DIED at the end of it. Maybe my dissatisfaction is merely a result of my lack of cinemaphilia--My Lady Disdain or The Prancing Prince could probably explain to me either why I'm right or why I'm horribly wrong--but...I just thought it was a big let-down. I have yet to see Resevoir Dogs, but I'm not going to hope for too much. Aside from True Romance I have yet to really appreciate Tarantino. This is probably a personal flaw.

Welcome to the Dollhouse

So the other day, I tried to watch Welcome to the Dollhouse and found myself completely unable to do so. It was just too physically painful. I haven't seen a movie that relentlessly depressing in a long time, and I don't think I'll subject myself to another one any time soon. Part of the reason I disliked it was that I remember what a complete torture middle school was. I remember how mean kids can be and how adults really just don't get it at all. But the other side of the issue--and the one that disturbed me more--was how much I wanted to kick Dawn Weiner's ass myself. She was just so dorky and pathetic. It brought up a lot of old feelings I always had about a girl I was friends with at that age. I mean, I liked her--she was okay most of the time--but there were many times I wanted so badly to shake her until her teeth clacked together and yell "If you'd just be normal for five minutes, they'd leave you alone! Why do you have to be so fucking WEIRD?" I suppose this reveals me as not being the non-conformist free-spirit I've always tried to play myself off to be, but in middle school, it's less about ideals and more about surviving the day basically intact. I guess what I learned was that there were times that being "weird" was great, but that there were some times you had to suck it up and try to blend in. A part of me applauded that girl and her complete refusal to even try to fit in, but I have to admit that a larger part of me wanted rather badly to kick her ass. I suppose you could say that I lost some of my creative sparkle or childlike naivete or whatever, but looking back now, I go "God, no wonder everyone picked on us--we were complete fucking freakballs." And that's probably not a good thing, but I totally understand the urge that other kids had to pick on us. Because I definitely felt it watching Welcome to the Dollhouse. Even though half of me would be thinking "This poor girl," the other half would be thinking "Jesus, could she BE any dorkier?" The only character I even sort of liked was Brendan Sexton, and he was a complete jackass. So there you go.