Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

The other day, The Boyfriend and I watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

The Boyfriend liked it.

I thought it was A MONSTEROUS PILE OF CRAP.

First of all, I think the whole retro-fuzzy-filter thing is gimmicky, not cool. But my main problem is with Gwyneth Paltrow's character. She is a scheming, lying, ambitious bitch and I wanted her to die. Not to mention that this is yet another movie where the heroine can't run more than ten feet during an emergency without falling down. And when the giant robots are smashing down the street, does she evacuate with everyone else? No, she has to stay and take pictures. So here come the robots, stomping down the street, smashing everything in their path. Does she run off into an alley to avoid being crushed? No, she staggers around in the middle of the street trying to take pictures, only to fall down and cower under the decending foot of a robot until Jude Law comes along and saves her. If you're going to be an ambitious bitch character, you can't also be a wimpering pussy. It just makes you extremely unlikable. Not to mention that every time the opportunity presented itself, she made THE STUPIDEST DECISION POSSIBLE. I felt strongly that Jude Law should have dumped her out of the plane over the ocean somewhere along the way--would have made his life significantly easier. Plus, Angelina Jolie and Giovanni Ribisi (the only two reasons I even watched the movie in the first place, since I hate Jude Law and am not crazy about Gwyneth) were only in the movie for a combined total of probably 20 minutes. Actually, I thought Angelina should have killed both Jude AND Gwyneth and gone after Giovanni herself. She probably would have done it a lot more efficiently. ALSO: if you're a mad scientist and determined to build a spaceship to sail away and incinerate the earth, do you build escape pods into the ship? Why would you? You'd theoretically have nowhere to escape TO. To sum up, it SUCKED. Unless you like tacky special FX and bickering banter that was done 934579347593874592374957395 times better fifty years ago by Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart in "The African Queen", just skip it. You know, I have always hated Jude Law (not as much as I hate Russell Crowe or fucking Dame Judi Dench. Still, that leaves a lot of room for hating...), but I was beginning to like Gwyneth. Too bad.

Books I

Let's start with literature. Lately, I've been re-reading some classic books from my childhood--just for shits and giggles, you know. See if they still hold up now. So many things don't, you know. So many things you like as a kid seem really stupid when you get older. However, I do have a couple books that stand up to the test of time:

1. The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. This was my favorite book from first through fifth grades. I did a book report on it every year (and by "did a book report" I don't mean turned in the same book report five times. I wrote new and increasingly complex reports every year. The only reason my fifth grade teacher caught on was because she was looking at the book and noticed on the sign-out card that I was the only one to have ever signed it out, and I'd signed it out six times in five years.) It's a mystery, and I think the indicated reading level is about fourth or fifth grade, but it still holds up now, since as an adult, I can read into it motives and between-the-lines commentary that I would never have noticed as a child. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a quick, funny, interesting read. The movie, Get A Clue! is not so good, though is notable for an appearance by the very attractive Shane West as a blond, stuttering computer-genius in a wheelchair.

2. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. This book--about Milo, a boy who was always bored and never interested in anything--is a fantastic journey through the Lands of Wisdom. It's an allegory (at least I believe that's the world that I'm looking for) about being observant, taking joy in learning, and enjoying every day to its fullest. While probably best for a young audience, I know that reading it reminded me not to be so jaded and cynical. The animated film is pretty good, though tough to find.

3. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli. This one doesn't stand up so well to the test of time. Aside from being totally unbelievable, the message (a good message, mind you, about not being prejudiced and about what makes a family and such) kind of whacks you over the head. I remember when I first read it, I thought of Maniac as some kind of romantic hero (I was, like, nine. What do you want from me?) but now he seems WAY too good to be true. There are still parts I enjoy (the house of two toasters and young Jeffrey's subsequent break-down, Cobble's Knot, the baby buffalo) but this one should probably be left to the younger set. There was some talk about making a film of this one, starring Elijah Wood, but it never came about.

A Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,
Hermes is not racist. They do not hate you. They were CLOSED. I know this is hard for you to understand, but just because you're rich and famous does not mean you control the world. I know this must be hard for you--let me try to explain: sometimes, stores close. And there may be times that people are in the store and moving around, but the store is closed. There is a reason for them being closed. I'm sure that if they could have, they would have let you in to shop because you've got money coming out every oriface of your body, and they want it just as much as everyone else does. However, they were CLOSED. Sometimes I go to stores, and the doors are locked, even though there are people inside who appear to be shopping. This means that store is CLOSED. I'm white, and I can't get in. You may not be able to process this idea, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. I know that you think you're hot shit because you have a television show and you're like the world's richest woman or something. However, it saddens me to say that the world does not revolve around you. Now why don't you shut up and go back to being a shill for publishing companies.
Yours Truly,
CC

A Letter to Andie MacDowell

Dear Andie MacDowell,
For the love of all that is holy, please stop acting. Your performances in simple commercials give me violent nausea, so you can imagine how I feel when you're cast in a movie that might have been really great had YOU not been in it. Seriously--why don't you go and find another job--something that maybe doesn't require acting. Or speaking, really.
Most sincerely,
Not a Fan
P.S. Please pass this message on to Jason Patric because he also sucks. Not as much as you, of course, but still pretty hardcore.

Sleepers

I just finished reading Sleepers again, and as usual, it leaves me with a great desire to see the movie. Unfortunately, I KNOW that I'll be disappointed with said movie. Why? you ask. Well, you'd think it would be a pretty good movie. I mean, the plot is gripping and interesting and the movie is jam-packed with starpower. I mean, come on: Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Brad Renfro, Minnie Driver, Billy Crudup, Brad Pitt, Kevin Bacon AND Ron Eldard (whom I secretly find considerably more lust-worthy than Brad Pitt for reasons still unknown) all in the same movie! Yet the movie fails. The reason for this abysmal failure lies with the time period the movie was filmed in. It was filmed during a time when heads of studios and casting directors alike shared the tragic and mistaken idea that Jason Patric could act. Yes, I know you are all wondering how a misconception of this magnitude could have occured, and I have no easy answers for you. All I know is that for some reason he was given the narrative lead in this movie and he single-handedly causes it to plummet to earth in a ball of flaming wreckage. He's like an enormous black hole of talent, and the rest of the cast must struggle valiantly but ultimately in vain to to avoid being sucked in with him. I simply can't imagine why they chose Jason Patric for that part. What--was Edward Norton busy? Johnny Depp wasn't interested? They couldn't even get a Baldwin brother (the younger two Baldwins kind of suck, but they are not even in the same league of suckitude as Jason Patric.) As you may have noticed, I find it tremendously irritating that a movie I want so badly to like (how often does Ron Eldard even get close to top billing?) is just so unbearably awful. Fuck the studio system!

Cold Mountain, Harold & Kumar, Spongebob Movie

Friday I watched Cold Mountain. (If you haven't yet seen this film and don't want to know what happens, just skip on down to the next entry.) Frankly, I thought it sucked. The only people in the movie worth paying attention to were Renee Zellweiger and maybe Jack White. I could happily have lived without just about everyone else. Particularly Jude Law. "I'm walking, I'm pouting and sullen, oh, does she love me or not? Oh, what is war for?" Yeah, shut up. And Nicole Kidman was alright in her interactions with Renee, but otherwise it was a lot more "Oh, woe is me! Does he still love me? When is he coming back? Oh, weep weep I'm so weak and I don't know WHAT I'll do!" Yeah, shut up. And you spend all that time with the two lovers writing sappy letters to each other and mooning around, and in the end (LOOK OUT! HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!) he fucking dies anyway. Why didn't he do that an hour and a half earlier and save us all a shitload of grief? I grow ever closer to adding Jude Law to the list of actors whose movies I simply will not watch, a list which already includes Russell Crowe (whom I loathe with a passion undying) and George Clooney.

We also watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle which was a RIOT. Aside from being a funny movie with guest appearances by Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie!), Ryan Reynolds (Grr!), and CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI (WHOOOOOT!), Harold and Kumar remind me a lot of myself and Darling Hacking Cough (and not just because Kumar is Indian, either.) The dynamic between them is so very similar sometimes to the way that Darling Hacking Cough and I interacted. You know,
DHC: "Let's go and do ____________!"
Me: "I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea. I mean, __________ could be dangerous. We could die or be arrested...it's just not safe."
DHC: "Okay, you're probably right. Now put on your shoes and let's go."
Me: "But...I don't know. Death! Injury! Legal repercussions!
DHC: "Come on, seriously. Put on your shoes and let's go or we're going to miss it."
Me: "But..."
DHC: "Don't be a ninny."
Me: "Oh, all right. But if we die, don't say I didn't warn you."
DHC: "Right, whatever."

In conclusion, if you have not yet seen this movie, I suggest you go and rent it right away.

Oh, and we also rented the Spongebob movie. It was all right, but very weird. Also, Scarlett Johannson is not much of a voice actor.

1776

I watched 1776 yesterday, which was entertaining through frankly not very GOOD. I mean, some of the singing was just plain terrible. However, it was interesting to see (a fictional representation of) what led up to the ratification of the Declaration ofIndenpendence. Despite having taken the requisite field trips to the Liberty Bell and whatnot in Philadelphia (and one thing I will say for the movie is that their descriptions of Philadelphia weather are exactly as I remember it--unbearably hot and muggy and overwhelmed by flies) but I don't think I really learned much. I mean, I had no idea that slavery was even debated at that time. Must say the whole thing gave me a new respect for John Adams and the crew from Massachusetts while making the Pennsylvanians look like a bunch of money-grubbing, syncophantic tools.