In Which Your Author Gets Stoned and Watches Moonstruck

 

1. Cher is supposed to be 37 in this movie. That means I am already too old to find myself a Nic-Cage-In-his-prime of my own. This is definitely an appalling realization.                                                                                                                                                                   
2. In a semi-related note, I never used to understand why Loretta was willing to settle for Johnny, who is a giant man-baby. The older I get, the more sense it makes to me.                                                                                                                                                                
3. The character of Ronny is hilarious. I always missed it before because I was too busy being wowed by the pretty face and animal sex appeal, but his over-the-top melodrama absolutely kills me. I love it. He’s a filthy mess, with his hair a wreck, missing a tooth, yelling about how he needs THE BIG KNIFE, CHRISSY and yet would I? Oh yes indeed.                                                                                                                                   
4. In every way Cage is overstated, Olympia Dukakis was understated. She was brilliant here. She nails the exhaustion and frustration. (Though frankly, I don’t see what ANYBODY sees in Cosmo. These two women are busy fighting over a whiny plumber.)                                                                                                                                                                    
5. Everyone who won an Oscar for this deserved it. No discussion.                                                                                                                                                                                               
6. That is some very 80s chest hair, Mr. Cage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
7. How is that shop assistant who is in love with Ronny going to react when she finds out he CAN in fact love again?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
8. These yuppies that Cosmo sold piping to...like, are we supposed to think he's a good plumber?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
9. Seriously, what do people see in Cosmo? He is the goddamn WORST. Even Frazier’s dad is a better date.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
10. “Why don’t you go stand in front of your record player and listen to La Boheme at ear-shattering volume without even removing your coat, and I will immediately make myself at home in your kitchen and cook you food you did not ask for?” Loretta is also kind of a weirdo, tbh.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
11. Is every man in this movie SUPPOSED to be garbage? I mean, Ronny is hot garbage, but garbage nonetheless.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
12. He IS a wolf. Agreed, Loretta. You’re drunk and babbling, but he is a wolf.                                                                                                                                                                       
13. “Where are you taking me?!” It’s a one-bedroom apartment, Loretta. There are not a lot of options.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
14. Holy balls...if my math is right, Cher was 41 when this was made, and Nic Cage was 23. You go, girl.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
15. “Old man, you give those dogs another piece of my food, I’m gonna kick ya till you’re dead” is one of the greatest lines in cinema. I yelled an adapted version at an old man once who accosted me as I walked past the bench he was shitting on. (No. That is not a typo.)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
16. Good Lord, this is an awkward dinner. The food looks great, but I’m guessing Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita wish they’d gotten take-out instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                             
17. Oh...the Twin Towers.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
18. I look forward to the day I get old enough to take my half dozen dogs out for a walk to howl at the moon in Italian. Note to self: learn Italian.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
19. The next time someone says I’ve ruined their life, I can’t wait to respond with “it was ruined when I got here!” Note to self: ruin someone’s life.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
20. The part where he says “I’m in love with you” like it’s a regrettably forgone conclusion and she slaps him and yells “Snap out of it!” is just *chef’s kiss.*                                                                                                                                                                                       
21. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are the true #RelationshipGoals of this film.                                                                                                                                                                             
22. Someday I’m going to go to the Met. Not because I like opera, but because I love this movie.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
23. Cher sure was beautiful.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
24. Am I supposed to believe that Ronny owns a tuxedo? Is he THAT MUCH of an opera lover that he goes often enough that he owns his own tuxedo? If not, did he go out and buy one that afternoon? Did he rent it?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
25. The most unrealistic part in this whole film is that Ronny notices that Loretta had her hair done. The fact that he mentions it is how I know this movie is meant to be magical realism or something.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
26. Cosmo deserves every terrible thing that happens to him. And his goomah is tacky as all hell (I like her style, but let’s be honest, I’m also tacky as hell).                                                                                                                                                                                              
27. Good on Olympia Dukakis for taking herself out to dinner, but is there only one restaurant in their neighborhood? She’s got the night to herself...does she not long for the exotic? Like burritos?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
28. And why does Frazier’s dad keep coming back there? Does he have some kink about being watched by a crowd as a much younger woman throws a drink on him and storms out? Could he not do that in other restaurants? If I was part of a scene like that, I’d be too embarrassed to go back to that restaurant again. In fact, I’d probably have to move.                                                                                                                                                 
29. In the timeframe of the film, he did this exact same thing literally two days ago. Why aren’t the waiters like “Dude. Again?” This is why I think he must do it all the time...and he must tip really well.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
30. Does the Met really have a man with a cape who plays the xylophone to announce intermission is over? Well, now I not only have to visit, but I also have to see at least half a show.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
31. You know, I’d forgotten how much of the story is the other members of the family, and not just Ronny and Loretta.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
32. That look...the “Hello there! I have no idea what's going on, I’m just so happy to be here! With Loretta!” look Ronny does when they run into Cosmo SLAYS me.                                                                                                                                                                             
33. I feel like Olympia Dukakis is going to be glad she turned down Frazier’s dad, because when she sees him doing a scene with an undergrad in the middle of her favorite restaurant the next time she’s in there, she’ll be reassured he’s a giant idiot. Because they both go there all the time. Because it’s the only restaurant in the neighborhood apparently.                                                                                                                             
34. I understand how it could definitely be argued that Loretta made the wrong choice there...but GODDAMN do I understand why she made it. I’m pretty sure if anyone with those cheekbones ever looked at me like that and said “Get in my bed” I’d move so fast there would be a sonic boom.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
35. It’s really good that Johnny and Ronny’s mother recovered—otherwise everyone else would seem like very insensitive people.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
36. The look on both Olympia and Cosmo's faces: “Oh God. My daughter is going to marry a moron. This is terrible.” No one is happy to see Johnny when he turns up, poor guy.                                                                                                                                                                    
37. Wait. Did Ronny put his full tux BACK ON after their night of passion? Because a night of passion is implied, but why would a man put his entire outfit from the night before back on IN HIS OWN HOUSE?! I will never be able to unsee this continuity error. And his neighbors must love the wailing opera record at the crack of dawn.                                                                                                                                                                             
38. Oh, okay, so maybe he got dressed again with the intention of going after Loretta...but how did he find her house? Did he just go knocking on doors asking “Is Loretta home?” until he found someone who was like “You’re looking for the Castorinis—they live over on the corner of Cherrywood”? Or did he follow her somehow? That’s sorta creepy.                                                                                                                                                                    
39. MY GOD, THE CHEEKBONES IN THIS FILM                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
40. Is he trying to be a dick, or does he REALLY want oatmeal? The beautiful thing about Nicolas Cage’s performance here is that it’s so hard to tell.                                                                                                                                                                                                
41. I love that Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita show up in the middle of the Awkward Olympics, and instead of taking their bag and going, they’re like “Something exciting is about to happen, we should definitely stay. Ooh, coffee!” Maybe they actually enjoyed the dinner of extreme awkwardness? Maybe this is what they do for entertainment?                                                                                                                                                       
42. She didn’t make RONNY kneel to propose. Hmmmmmm...                                                                                                                                                                                               
43. Okay so: conclusions. This movie is still very silly, and no one in it has a clue about informed/enthusiastic consent, but I still adore it.                                                                                                                                                                                                               
44. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are my favorite Not-Nicolas-Cage characters.                                                                                                                                                                          
45. Cher is #LifeGoals.