In Which Your Author Gets Stoned and Watches Moonstruck

 

1. Cher is supposed to be 37 in this movie. That means I am already too old to find myself a Nic-Cage-In-his-prime of my own. This is definitely an appalling realization.                                                                                                                                                                   
2. In a semi-related note, I never used to understand why Loretta was willing to settle for Johnny, who is a giant man-baby. The older I get, the more sense it makes to me.                                                                                                                                                                
3. The character of Ronny is hilarious. I always missed it before because I was too busy being wowed by the pretty face and animal sex appeal, but his over-the-top melodrama absolutely kills me. I love it. He’s a filthy mess, with his hair a wreck, missing a tooth, yelling about how he needs THE BIG KNIFE, CHRISSY and yet would I? Oh yes indeed.                                                                                                                                   
4. In every way Cage is overstated, Olympia Dukakis was understated. She was brilliant here. She nails the exhaustion and frustration. (Though frankly, I don’t see what ANYBODY sees in Cosmo. These two women are busy fighting over a whiny plumber.)                                                                                                                                                                    
5. Everyone who won an Oscar for this deserved it. No discussion.                                                                                                                                                                                               
6. That is some very 80s chest hair, Mr. Cage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
7. How is that shop assistant who is in love with Ronny going to react when she finds out he CAN in fact love again?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
8. These yuppies that Cosmo sold piping to...like, are we supposed to think he's a good plumber?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
9. Seriously, what do people see in Cosmo? He is the goddamn WORST. Even Frazier’s dad is a better date.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
10. “Why don’t you go stand in front of your record player and listen to La Boheme at ear-shattering volume without even removing your coat, and I will immediately make myself at home in your kitchen and cook you food you did not ask for?” Loretta is also kind of a weirdo, tbh.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
11. Is every man in this movie SUPPOSED to be garbage? I mean, Ronny is hot garbage, but garbage nonetheless.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
12. He IS a wolf. Agreed, Loretta. You’re drunk and babbling, but he is a wolf.                                                                                                                                                                       
13. “Where are you taking me?!” It’s a one-bedroom apartment, Loretta. There are not a lot of options.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
14. Holy balls...if my math is right, Cher was 41 when this was made, and Nic Cage was 23. You go, girl.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
15. “Old man, you give those dogs another piece of my food, I’m gonna kick ya till you’re dead” is one of the greatest lines in cinema. I yelled an adapted version at an old man once who accosted me as I walked past the bench he was shitting on. (No. That is not a typo.)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
16. Good Lord, this is an awkward dinner. The food looks great, but I’m guessing Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita wish they’d gotten take-out instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                             
17. Oh...the Twin Towers.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
18. I look forward to the day I get old enough to take my half dozen dogs out for a walk to howl at the moon in Italian. Note to self: learn Italian.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
19. The next time someone says I’ve ruined their life, I can’t wait to respond with “it was ruined when I got here!” Note to self: ruin someone’s life.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
20. The part where he says “I’m in love with you” like it’s a regrettably forgone conclusion and she slaps him and yells “Snap out of it!” is just *chef’s kiss.*                                                                                                                                                                                       
21. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are the true #RelationshipGoals of this film.                                                                                                                                                                             
22. Someday I’m going to go to the Met. Not because I like opera, but because I love this movie.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
23. Cher sure was beautiful.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
24. Am I supposed to believe that Ronny owns a tuxedo? Is he THAT MUCH of an opera lover that he goes often enough that he owns his own tuxedo? If not, did he go out and buy one that afternoon? Did he rent it?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
25. The most unrealistic part in this whole film is that Ronny notices that Loretta had her hair done. The fact that he mentions it is how I know this movie is meant to be magical realism or something.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
26. Cosmo deserves every terrible thing that happens to him. And his goomah is tacky as all hell (I like her style, but let’s be honest, I’m also tacky as hell).                                                                                                                                                                                              
27. Good on Olympia Dukakis for taking herself out to dinner, but is there only one restaurant in their neighborhood? She’s got the night to herself...does she not long for the exotic? Like burritos?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
28. And why does Frazier’s dad keep coming back there? Does he have some kink about being watched by a crowd as a much younger woman throws a drink on him and storms out? Could he not do that in other restaurants? If I was part of a scene like that, I’d be too embarrassed to go back to that restaurant again. In fact, I’d probably have to move.                                                                                                                                                 
29. In the timeframe of the film, he did this exact same thing literally two days ago. Why aren’t the waiters like “Dude. Again?” This is why I think he must do it all the time...and he must tip really well.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
30. Does the Met really have a man with a cape who plays the xylophone to announce intermission is over? Well, now I not only have to visit, but I also have to see at least half a show.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
31. You know, I’d forgotten how much of the story is the other members of the family, and not just Ronny and Loretta.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
32. That look...the “Hello there! I have no idea what's going on, I’m just so happy to be here! With Loretta!” look Ronny does when they run into Cosmo SLAYS me.                                                                                                                                                                             
33. I feel like Olympia Dukakis is going to be glad she turned down Frazier’s dad, because when she sees him doing a scene with an undergrad in the middle of her favorite restaurant the next time she’s in there, she’ll be reassured he’s a giant idiot. Because they both go there all the time. Because it’s the only restaurant in the neighborhood apparently.                                                                                                                             
34. I understand how it could definitely be argued that Loretta made the wrong choice there...but GODDAMN do I understand why she made it. I’m pretty sure if anyone with those cheekbones ever looked at me like that and said “Get in my bed” I’d move so fast there would be a sonic boom.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
35. It’s really good that Johnny and Ronny’s mother recovered—otherwise everyone else would seem like very insensitive people.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
36. The look on both Olympia and Cosmo's faces: “Oh God. My daughter is going to marry a moron. This is terrible.” No one is happy to see Johnny when he turns up, poor guy.                                                                                                                                                                    
37. Wait. Did Ronny put his full tux BACK ON after their night of passion? Because a night of passion is implied, but why would a man put his entire outfit from the night before back on IN HIS OWN HOUSE?! I will never be able to unsee this continuity error. And his neighbors must love the wailing opera record at the crack of dawn.                                                                                                                                                                             
38. Oh, okay, so maybe he got dressed again with the intention of going after Loretta...but how did he find her house? Did he just go knocking on doors asking “Is Loretta home?” until he found someone who was like “You’re looking for the Castorinis—they live over on the corner of Cherrywood”? Or did he follow her somehow? That’s sorta creepy.                                                                                                                                                                    
39. MY GOD, THE CHEEKBONES IN THIS FILM                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
40. Is he trying to be a dick, or does he REALLY want oatmeal? The beautiful thing about Nicolas Cage’s performance here is that it’s so hard to tell.                                                                                                                                                                                                
41. I love that Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita show up in the middle of the Awkward Olympics, and instead of taking their bag and going, they’re like “Something exciting is about to happen, we should definitely stay. Ooh, coffee!” Maybe they actually enjoyed the dinner of extreme awkwardness? Maybe this is what they do for entertainment?                                                                                                                                                       
42. She didn’t make RONNY kneel to propose. Hmmmmmm...                                                                                                                                                                                               
43. Okay so: conclusions. This movie is still very silly, and no one in it has a clue about informed/enthusiastic consent, but I still adore it.                                                                                                                                                                                                               
44. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are my favorite Not-Nicolas-Cage characters.                                                                                                                                                                          
45. Cher is #LifeGoals.

In Which Your Author Gets Stoned and Watches "Vera Cruz"

 So today I decided the best use of my time would be to take an edible and then liveblog this 1954 tale of the Mexican Revolution.

Here are the results. 

Cooper’s kind of a stuffed shirt, but Lancaster is 🔥

Ohhhh, Cooper’s not a stuffed shirt, he’s just DRY.

This film continues to improve. Jack Elam is in it!

Ooh, also Ernest Borgnine!

Is that a very young Charles Bronson?

Wow, research suggests Gary Cooper was kind of a dick in real life. Then again, research also suggests he was on so much pain medication when this movie was shooting that his didn’t work, so I guess I can see why he might be crabby.

Did tooth bleach exist in the 50s? WTF was Burt Lancaster doing to make his teeth look like that? They practically glow in the dark. 

Oh noooooo, they brought in one Black guy, just to use him for a racist dance bit?!

I’m starting to think I’m not actually supposed to be rooting for Burt here. Oops. 

Oh, Cooper’s not dry, he’s just an asshole. 

This is like a very, very slow heist movie. It could definitely use more chase scenes. I hope later there will at least be some explosions.

I can’t tell if Lancaster’s supposed to be so creepy...like, I get that he’s an anti-hero scoundrel type, but the line between “charming jerk” and “dangerous sociopath” is getting a little smudgy here. 

Hooray, there’s another racist dancing bit. 

Okay, so upon investigation it turns out that Archie Savage (who plays the Black Union soldier Ballard here) was a “pioneer of African-American dance.” I guess that sort of explains all the dancing? But, like, why is this character there? I’m obviously not saying they shouldn’t have a Black dude in the movie, but like...they didn’t HAVE to—this was the 50s—so what is the purpose of adding this character? The dancing feels like a weird turn in tone every time it happens. 

Cooper’s character would be a lot more sympathetic if he were a former Union soldier, rather than a former confederate being sad about his lost plantation. 

Seriously, those teeth! Were they using ultraviolet radiation on them?

This is like the anti-slash as far as manly man films go. Unlike Wayne and Mitchum in El Dorado, there is NO sexual energy between these two at all. Well, Lancaster is shooting sexual energy everywhere indiscriminately (but it’s verging on rapey, kind of?) while Cooper is resolutely anti-sexual. If “plexiglass bathtub” were a sexuality, then that’s what Cooper’s got going here. 

This bit where the characters more or less come right out and say “I am double crossing everyone!” directly to the camera before a cut-away is...not subtle. 

I’d kind of like the two women to shoot Cooper and Lancaster and then run away with the money. Doubt that’s going to happen, though. I suspect Cooper will somehow come out on top. His romantic subplot will most likely be pleased to be finished with those terribly awkward, passionless, lip-squishing kisses he keeps planting on her. 

This bit where Lancaster is freshening up in front of the fancy French lady is deeply unsettling. Worse, I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be. I’m not sure whether the original audience of the time would consider it “charming rogue” or “secret serial killer.” I’m still uncertain if I should be rooting for his character, or if the fact that I pick him over Cooper is indicative of a character flaw on my part. 

Oh, well now of course he’s slapping the fancy French lady around, as you do. 

So probably meant to be unsettling, then. Well, but now she's kissing him, so it could still be charming rogue territory? After all, there's a perfectly acceptable Dean Martin/Nat King Cole song from the same year that advocates slapping your wife into submission (in a very swingy way, of course) if she gets annoyed with your gambling or reckless spending. (I really liked "Open Up the Doghouse" until I actually listened to the lyrics.) It was a very different time.

“I don’t trust him. He likes people and you can never count on a man like that.” Fair enough, Burt. But DOES he like people? Because so far, in this film, the main indicators that he likes people are that he 1. Shot a horse 2. Did not think that massacring a group of children or raping a lady in the main square were acceptable behaviors. Apparently, the threshold for "liking people" in Lancaster's world is very low.

This movie is awful. 

I think maybe I’m rooting for the Juaristas?

Nope, Lancaster is definitely the bad guy. I mean, aside from the French. 

At least I'm finally getting the explosions I wanted.

Yay! Macho bullshit seems to have proved fatal. 

Wait, why is Cooper crying? Clearly, I’ve missed something. This ending is both anti-climactic and baffling. 

I can see why the Mexican government got so mad about this film they insisted any movies shot there in the future make the Mexican people look good. They do not come off well here, is what I’m saying. 

The French don’t come off super well either, to be honest. 

In fact, pretty much everyone in this movie is awful, except maybe Gary Cooper, who is both awful AND self-righteous. 

So when it comes down to films about running dangerous errands during the Mexican Revolution, I’m going to declare Two Mules for Sister Sara the undeniable winner. 

Going off the rails on a creepy train: Breakheart Pass

As we've previously established, I like old movies, and old action movies are probably my favorite. Yesterday, I watched Breakheart Pass, which is from 1975, but set out west sometime in the late 1800s. The basic plot is that Charles Bronson is a wanted man who gets picked up by a US Marshal in a small western town. The marshal decides to take him by train to the nearest fort to face justice. The two of them board a train headed to the fort, along with a bunch of other passengers and a group of soldiers.

Then, of course, havoc ensues.

1. Charles Bronson was kind of weird looking. I don't know if it's the haircut or the mustache or what, and it's not helped by the giant, weird fur coat he's rocking here. I mean, the man's a decent actor and a good action star, but man...not attractive.

2. This has some strong Murder on the Orient Express vibes, as well as a little bit of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians, in that you've got a group of people trapped on a moving train, almost none of whom are who they claim to be, and they're dropping dead at an alarming rate.

3. It took me quite a while to figure out what was going on, and who was responsible. I was frankly sort of impressed since I'm usually pretty good at ferreting out plot twists.

4. I was glad the romantic subplot remained very very sub. I kind of thought it was downright yikes due to the age difference, but the main actress (aka one of only two women in the entire movie) turned out to be 39 and not 22 so it wouldn't have been SO off. (Bronson was 54 at the time.) Um, further research tells me that she and Bronson were married when this was made. FURTHER sidenote--she was also married to Ducky from NCIS, and he introduced her to Bronson while they were making The Great Escape. Oops. She once famously said that the reason she was in so many Charles Bronson movies is because no other actress would work with him. I hope she was joking.

5. There's a pretty good fight on top of a moving train car. There's also some decent explosions.

6. Because this is a western, there are some Indigenous people. They are on the side of the villains, but they're not particularly terrible. Also, the actor playing the chief was actually Lakota, and not some Greek guy they painted brown, so kudos there, casting department.

7. On the whole, I liked this one. Not enough to watch it again, but enough to say if you enjoy 70s action movies, this one is worth your time.

"I'm looking at a tin star with a drunk pinned on it." El Dorado (and also Dust Up)

Twice in one weekend -- I know, I'm surprised too. Yet here we are.

After my adventure with The Three Musketeers, I figured I'd try something else new. At some point, for a reason lost even to myself, I added a movie called Dust Up to my Amazon watchlist. I can't figure out why, since it was a small indie from 2013 without a single recognizable star in it, aside from the woman who played Tara on Buffy (whom I liked, but I'm not exactly following her career). The basic premise is that a one-eyed veteran, who has moved out to the high desert to escape his traumatic past, ends up crossing the path of a deranged meth dealer, and ends up having to fight off a hoard of methed up crazy people, with the help of a young mom (the aforementioned Tara), her dopey addict husband, and the vet's indigenous (?) friend. It was...weird. If I had to make comparisons, I'd say it reminded me quite a bit of From Dusk Til Dawn, what with the B movie cast, over-the-top violence, and tacky effects. There were quite a few very funny moments, and I liked the leads quite a bit. The Native friend was...troubling. I wasn't sure if he was supposed to actually be indigenous, or just one of those people who fakes it, but it did give me some moments of eeegh. I'm not sure I'd strongly recommend it, but if you're a person who enjoys bargain basement Tarantino, it's not a total waste of time.

The other movie I watched was El Dorado. And before you ask, no, not the cartoon. This is the 1967 film with John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, and James Caan. It's one of those classic sixties westerns that involves groups of heavily armed men shooting at each other for convoluted reasons. As usual, I found it utterly delightful. Some thoughts I had:

1. The relationship between Wayne and Mitchum is...well, someone is probably writing slash about it somewhere, and for good reason. It's like the male version of "gals being pals." The two of them were trading some rather heated looks. Perhaps I just read too much slash fic, but the undertones there felt scorching to me. Maybe more so from Mitchum's side, but for a guy who is a legend for being a "man's man," John Wayne was delivering some smolder himself. I kept waiting for them to kiss. (Spoiler: they did not.) The whole bit about how Mitchum fell apart because some woman left him...um, we all know it's because John Wayne left. You're not fooling anybody here. I did not buy his relationship with the local madam for a second. Or maybe yes, but there were definitely some bi vibes happening. 

2. I'm pretty sure she was a madam. No one exactly said, but it was strongly implied. Particularly the bit where she suggests she could manage to be both Wayne and Mitchum's girl at the same time. Wayne looked intrigued. Mitchum looked concerned. (See point 1.)

4. Caan's character clearly does not understand the relationship going on here, either. Him and the old guy with the bugle seem determined to just stay out of the way and let the other two trade meaningful looks uninterrupted.

4. Holy hell, do I love the men of the Caan family. My deep lust for Scott is well-documented, but his father was no slouch when he was young, either. Just so tiny and feisty! I knew there was a reason my favorite Corleone was always Sonny. He doesn't disappoint in this, and he brings in the sexy, sexy comic relief.

5. I haven't watched nearly enough Robert Mitchum movies, but I need to add more to my list. The man can break your heart with just a single facial expression. There's a part where he comes back after being laughed out of a saloon that just about broke me. And then watching John Wayne try to soothe him through it...

6. Special effects in the 60s were very rudimentary. Don't think I didn't notice you throwing that dummy down during that horse trampling scene. It wasn't exactly "just fling the plastic skeleton and hope for the best in Army Of Darkness" level obvious, but it was not subtle.

7. Hey, Ed Asner! I almost always like Ed Asner.

8. There were only three women in this, and it most assuredly does NOT pass the Bechdel test. However, the sister with the shotgun is pretty badass. She is going to give James Caan and his bitty ass a run for his money.

9. There is a racist bit. It is "Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys" bad, but at least it's mercifully short. But ouch. Bad.

10. The poem: I always forget about Edgar Allan Poe, and it's always a mistake. Yeah, he was a massive drunken creep, but there's a reason his poems are still famous.

11. That was just a delight.

Thoughts on the 2011 Steampunk Three Musketeers

(Cross-posted from FB. I miss movie reviews. So here I am.)

Watching the 2011 steampunk Three Musketeers.

1. I like so many of the people in this cast. This should be better.

2. Remember back when Orlando Bloom was a thing? Weird, right? He’s kind of...fun as a villain, though. I think he might be one of those “character actor in a lead’s body” types. Also, he should never do anything but costume dramas, because the look suits him.

3. No matter the adaptation, Porthos is always the best Musketeer. I am not willing to debate this.

4. Is D’Atagnan SUPPOSED to be a complete void of charisma? Because that’s almost as universal as the Porthos thing. Is it because he is a literal child? Also, who was responsible for choosing that hairstyle for him? I demand a personal apology.

5. I wish Milla Jovovich’s husband would make better movies for her to be in.

6. It’s like they watched Guy Richie’s ‘Sherlock Holmes’ and said “Let’s do that!” but somehow got it just slightly wrong. Like they were trying for the same cheeky, winking, gritty tone, but it’s too well-lit and the sentiment is just shy of Hallmark level.

7. Fights are good, though.

8. So are the costumes.

9. This cast is WAY prettier than the 1993 version. Sorry Kiefer (and Kiefer’s mullet).

10. I like that the women have more to do in this one than just look scared. (Or, in Rebecca De Mornay’s case, vaguely constipated.)

11. I did not sign up to watch “Villains Special Effect Spectacular” here. Why are the Musketeers barely in this film?!

12. Speaking of, Christophe Waltz is doing his best, but when it comes to creepily smiling sex predator cardinal, no one will ever be able to take the crown from Tim Curry.

13. This film had many flaws, but James Corden is the absolute worst thing about it. By comparison, the war blimp impaling itself on the spire of Notre Dame is downright charming. I wish they’d impaled James Corden instead. Preferably right at the beginning of the movie.

CR3 #91: Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day by Winifred Watson

This book happens to be one of those very, very rare cases in which the movie is actually better.

The basic story is that Miss Pettigrew--a middle-aged spinster--receives a new post as a governess in 1930s London. When she arrives, however, she finds no children. Instead, she meets beautiful young nightclub singer Delysia LaFosse. Delysia is trying to juggle three men and a burgeoning social calendar, and things are beginning to get too difficult. Decisions have to be made, and Delysia isn't sure she's up for it. Luckily, Miss Pettigrew finds that she can be of help.

The book is quite clearly a fantasy, something of a Cinderella story. Miss Pettigrew makes new friends, gets a makeover, and finds a happy ending. Nothing too difficult happens, and nearly everyone goes away better off. It's an adorable story, but frankly a bit light.

The movie, on the other hand, is stellar. Frances McDormand stars as Miss Pettigrew, and Amy Adams plays Delysia. They're supported by an excellent cast of gentleman (particularly Lee Pace as the brooding piano player Michael and Ciaran Hinds as lingerie designer Joe Blomfield) and Shirley Henderson as the poisonous Edythe DuBarry. The movie has more conflict--Miss Pettigrew has more to lose, and is forced to make tougher choices. Miss Pettigrew in the book tends to drift along in everyone elses's wake, whereas McDormand shows the steel that lies beneath Miss P's frumpy exterior. Adams's Delysia is a bit more scatterbrained than the one in the book--she's not as strong a female character in the film, and requires more rescuing--but she is still charming and lovable. Both Adams and McDormand are able to communicate volumes with a small look or tiny raise of the eyebrow.The fact that the film is set against the run-up to WWI also helps to put the characters in a more precarious position. The plot contains more conflict, but it all resolves rather well.  In addition, the costumes, sets, and music are all gorgeous. They set the mood very strongly, as well as making the movie a pleasure to see. As usual, Focus Features has done an excellent job bringing a period piece to a modern audience.

On the whole, although I enjoyed the book, I'd recommend skipping it and going straight to the film.

Sequels: Clerks II and Road House 2: Last Call

Sequels.

Sometimes they work and sometimes they do not. Recently, I ran across examples of both in the same evening. In the course of ONE EVENING, I watched both Clerks II and Road House 2: Last Call.

Actually, let's say I "watched" Clerks II and "subjected myself to" Road House 2.

Perhaps I should define for you what I think makes a good sequel, and explain why these two films do/do not qualify.

1. A good sequel is a rational extension of the original film. In this case, CII is a continuation of the lives of the characters from the first film. RH2 takes place in an entirely different place, with different people, and an almost entirely unrelated plot. There IS a bar, and there ARE some bad guys, but that's about as far as the resemblance goes. With the exception of a few mentions of Dalton and how he's the father of the main character in RH2 (as well as a few admittedly funny "I thought you'd be taller" jokes) this movie had absolutely nothing to do with Road House. In fact, it feels like it was written as a separate film and then adjusted to satisfy some studio suit. According to IMDB, this was originally meant to star Patrick Swayze reprising the role of Dalton, but he backed out (likely because the damn thing was so obviously bad) and it lingered in development hell until 2006, when it was changed to accommodate a new actor.

2. A good sequel will generally include the majority of the original actors/actresses. Unless the first film was an ungodly trauma to film, or unless the stars have have become SO HUGE that doing a sequel is beneath them, they should want to come back and do a sequel, even if a lot of time has gone by. Obviously, you don't want exactly the same cast--new cast members keep things fresh, as Rosario Dawson and Trevor Fehrman do in Clerks II--but the audience wants to see familiar faces. The Ocean's 11 franchise is an example of a group that did well with consistently adding new blood while still managing to bring back the original cast. A sequel without a single member of the original cast spells very serious trouble. That means they either waited too long or it was soooo bad that no one wanted to get near it.

3. A good sequel will acknowledge he time that has passed between the original film and the sequel. In CII, the whole idea is that time has passed and Dante and Randal have reached a point in their lives where things have to change. The gap between the events of the first and second film are explained as the natural passing of people's lives. The crux of the characters' problems have to do with that time passage. RH2 definitely takes place after Road House--theoretically about three decades later, since Dalton did not have a son (he barely had a girlfriend) in the first film and now his son is about thirty and working for the DEA. There are references to Dalton and his death, but the events of the first film are not even mentioned--they just took the name and referenced it once or twice. Not very creative, frankly.

4. A good sequel brings something new to the table without losing sight of what made the original so likeable in the first place. Kevin Smith has done a good job with this in CII. The things that made Clerks so great were the relationship between Dante and Randal, the conversations they had both with each other and with the people who surrounded them, the pop culture references, and the pure grade A raunch. He's done all that in Clerks II, and has also added some new elements. The familiar has been effectively combined with the new in a way that--IMO--is both comforting and intriguing. RH2 feels as though they've used all the same pieces that were combined to create Road House, but somehow they don't fit together quite the same. The older mentor, the girl in distress who is secretly connected to the villain, the crazy villain who likes to smash things, the final showdown (right down to the car that hurtles up to the bad guys minus driver)--they're all there, but somehow they feel forced. It wouldn't have been a particularly bad movie on its own, but it suffered from comparisons to the original.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is simple:

A. Road House 2: Last Call was an abomination that never should have been made, or at least should not have pretended it had anything at all to do with Road House. They could have called it Bar Brawl: Guns, Drugs, and Pelicans or DEA on Airboats or Punching and Explosions in the Bayou and it would have been the same film without all the undue expectations. Plus, as much as I enjoyed Jake Busey's performance as the villain (and God knows I do enjoy Jake Busey and his giant, terrifying Busey teeth), the acting was nothing special, leaving the whole thing just on this side of blaaaaah.

B. Clerks II was everything I wanted it to be. If you liked Clerks, and if you like Kevin Smith's films in general, you will probably enjoy Clerks II. However, if you DON'T like Kevin Smith's movies, don't bother seeing this one. To try and convince an anti-Smith person to like it would be a tremendous waste of time because it is so very him. The subject matter is raunchy, the language is appalling, and it consists of a LOT of time spent watching people stand around a fast food restaurant and talk to one another. Dante is still a whiny baby, but I loved Randal just as much or more than I ever did. There were some great conversations and quoteable moments, and I also really really liked the scene in the prison, because I think it illustrated well the relationship between the two main characters.  Rosario did well as the love interest, and the dance scene was a pleasant surprise. It was also wonderful to see Jay and Silent Bob one more time. (I will say that although I find Jason Mewes a sexy beast, the 'Goodbye Horses' bit was a little disturbing. I suppose it's more funny if you realize going into it that this is something he does to Kevin Smith randomly on a regular basis.) I guess I just loved the movie, but I'm kind of a fan girl. Take that as you will.

Maybe someday I will favor you all with my opinions on the second Boondock Saints film and why it sucks and I think Ghostbusters 2 is my favorite. Do any of you have thoughts on sequels?

Random Things That Are Not Book Reviews

For that four of you out there who read this blog on a regular basis, you must be getting exceedingly tired of my endless book reviews. I'm not going to STOP with the books, mind you, but I thought at least today I could talk about something different. Besides, I also watch MOVIES!

1. Cannonball Fail #1: Before I get into movies, I have to make mention of my first Cannonball Fail. I tried to read Jane Austen's Sense & Sensibility, but after about 100 pages, I just had to throw it against the wall and give up. I couldn't stand any of the characters--I wanted to take every single person in that story out behind the barn and beat him/her unconscious with a rock. They were all so snooty and archaic. Anyway, I very very rarely give up on a book--sometimes I take...very long breaks, but I nearly always come back and finish--but I couldn't do it. I don't really understand my problem, either. I know several bright, interesting people who truly enjoy Jane Austen's work. And I enjoyed the film based on this book (though I felt that Emma Thompson would have made a much better couple with Alan Rickman than with that stuttering ninny Hugh Grant.) Oh well. Can't win them all, I guess.

2. I am really disappointed by this whole "Congressman Weiner Sends Photos of His Junk to Young Women" scandal. It's a shame that someone who could have been such a beneficial force for the democratic party turned out to be a slave to his penis. Seriously, dude. Have you learned nothing from...every celebrity who has been caught in one of these stupid scandals since the internet began? Don't you know that the girls are GOING TO SELL THE PICTURES? They may weep about how intrusive everyone is and how their lives will never be the same and oh woe is me, Gloria Allred, why has this happened to me? Why won't the media leave meeeeeee alooooone? What they will NOT do is delete the damn pictures and then be like "What pictures?" Do not ever think they will delete the pictures and keep their mouths shut. There is no money or trashy tabloid fame in that. "Ohhh, I just had to tell my story!" Why? How exactly are you enriching the national discourse? ARGH! I am so annoyed by the whole situation. Just once I'd like a politician I like to turn out NOT to be a pervy hobbit-fancier*.

3. The Boston Bruins are in the Stanley Cup finals. I would like to believe it is possible for them to win, but in my (admittedly limited) experience with them, they are really just trying to find the most frustrating and heart-crushing way possible to lose. I have to say I do love when one of the local teams is in championship contention, because the whole city gets excited about it. Total strangers are talking to one another in bus stations, and wearing their related gear with great city pride. I've been pretty lucky since I moved here--the local teams have been having a rather impressive streak of successful seasons. Even someone who was totally anti-sports (like yours truly) can't help but be swept up in it all.

4. The other night, Netflix finally had a copy of  Death Race 2000 to send me (the darn film has had been listed as "Long Wait" for about a year). Turns out it is one of the cheesiest films I've ever had the good fortune to be exposed to. For those who are unfamiliar, this is NOT the Jason Statham version but rather the original, where the Death Racers are out on the open roads, trying to both cross the country first AND kill the most pedestrians. David Carradine stars as the masked driver Frankenstein, and he can strip down to his wee speedos all he likes, Jason Statham is going to beat him every time in that competition. Also, he doesn't really measure up in growly witticisms or intense glaring. The whole movie was a cheese fest, and the cars were like something out of Wacky Races. The second best part of the whole thing was that a movie made in 1975 could predict (to an almost eerie degree) our current world of reality TV and government-by-media-based-terror. The best part was that Sylvester Stallone was in it, back before he had the clout to demand that he not appear short in movies. Plus, he spends most of the movie dressed as a gangster (except a notable scene wearing only a towel) and smears cake on people's faces. Good show.

5. On a related note, after finishing up Death Race 2000, I felt the need to continue into a "Sylvester Stallone Marathon." Here's another embarrassing fact about me: I love Sylvester Stallone. I love him almost as much as I love Nic Cage, and for many of the same reasons. First off, they both started out hotter than all hell. Come on, you can't tell me that early 80s Stallone was not attractive! Hell, even in the early 90s he was still doing all right. Okay, yeah, then he stuffed his face full of botox or plastic or wombat glands or whatever and had his eyelids sewed to his forehead and did every steroid in the universe and now he's kind of scary like a Michael Myers Halloween mask. But still! I'm not a fan of the Rocky movies, and I found Rambo rather upsetting to be honest ("That man needs to be in a hospital being treated for his PTSD! It's not right that he's been left to wander the roads alone without any psychiatric treatment!"). Where it's at is definitely Stallone's comedies. I adore Demolition Man and Tango & Cash. I like Judge Dredd a lot. I even giggle at Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! Something about his whole "muscle-bound--but still intelligent!--jerkface in an upside down world" scenarios tickles my funny bone. And his voice just makes it that much better. The Boyfriend does not get the appeal, but I think that's because he is totally immune to the draw of camp. I keep hoping that one day, Stallone and Cage will share the screen somehow. Should that happen, I might just explode with joy.

6. Another thing I've been enjoying recently is the BBC show Sherlock. The first season is currently available via Netflix OnDemand, and so far (two episodes in) I've been very impressed. The relationship between Holmes and Watson is just as I always pictured it to be--less combative, as in the recent film version--and more of a symbiotic and occasionally truly affectionate friendship. Benedict Cumberbatch (is that not the most British name you could possibly imagine? I think the only one I can make up that even comes close is Second Leftenant Percy Q. Hufflefufshire, which, BTW, is what I am going to name my dog, should I ever get one) makes a great Holmes--you can often see the wheels in his head actively turning. Martin Freeman (whom I really enjoyed in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and look forward to as Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit) is also quite good as Dr. Watson. He's a slightly more complex character than Watson was originally written in the stories, and he does a great job showing both the frustration and the awe that dealing with Holmes on a daily basis inspires. If you have the technology, I highly recommend watching these. There's only 4 episodes in series one I think, so it's not a giant commitment.

So yeah. Apparently I had a lot to say and didn't even get to half the movies I intended to mention, as well as my obsession with NBC's The Voice and the reasons I hate watching Rafael Nadal play tennis. Guess I will have to save those for another entry.




*"Pervy hobbit-fancier" is the invention of the hilarious Cassandra Clare in The Very Secret Diaries. If you have time, and enjoy Lord of the Rings, you should read them. I laugh until I snort every single time.

I pity the fog!: The A-Team and The Fog

So I thought it might be nice to take a break from my never-ending onslaught of book reviews to talk about some movies I watched recently. Yes, I know, it's just yet more "What did the Caustic Critic think about things?" but since this is a blog, and therefore nearly the pinnacle of self-involvement anyway...I figured it would be okay.

Last weekend was gross and wet for the most part, so I had plenty of time to sit on my butt and watch movies. I FINALLY got to two of the three Netflix movies that have been sitting on the TV table for about a month (whimpering "Watch us! Watch us!" as they collected dust).

First off, I watched the new film version of The A-Team. I figured it would be right up my alley, seeing as I love movies that are made up almost entirely of wisecracks and inexplicable explosions. Mind you, I've only ever watched about 3/4 of one original A-Team episode, so I wasn't really bringing in any prior baggage. But I had some questions:

• Liam Neeson, what are you doing in this film? Were you so deranged by grief at the loss of your wife that you accepted this without looking at it closely? Did you just need something sort of mindless to do as a version of a vacation? Because you are a very very good actor, and you were WASTED here.
• Why is Hollywood trying to sell me Bradley Cooper as a "hot guy"? I know he's kind of funny, and I thought The Hangover was an okay movie, but this guy is NOT Brad Pitt, nor will he ever BE Brad Pitt. He looks like an emu, all right? (If you don't believe me, google it. You'll understand soon enough.)
• Jessica Biel: see #2 re: Bradley Cooper, and replace "Brad Pitt" with some Hollywood star like Sandra Bullock or Angelina Jolie or...anyone who has more than one facial expression, really.
• Why wasn't the crazy guy crazier? The guy who played the crazy guy in the TV show packed more crazy into the 30 minutes I saw than this guy put into the whole movie. I was very disappointed at the lack of sock puppets.

To be fair, here are an equal number of things I enjoyed:

• I know it is totally stupid and not real and physically impossible, but that bit where they parachute out of the sky in a tank while shooting down drones was pretty awesome. Also the big explosions at the end were cool.
• The bumbling bad guys were kind of funny. Actually, there were quite a few funny bits.
• Even though he clearly did not belong in the movie, Liam Neeson of course did an excellent job.
• The plot made at least a minimum of sense. It wasn't one of those films where you can't even follow because the whole thing is so convoluted and dumb.

So in conclusion, I wouldn't exactly recommend The A-Team, but it's not a complete waste of time.

The other movie I watched was John Carpenter's 1980 version of The Fog. Now THAT was a surprisingly good film. It's amazing how many scares you can get out of fog and things moving that shouldn't. The set up was great, the acting was very good--particularly Hal Holbrook and Adrienne Barbeau. The plot was perfectly reasonable and made sense in the context. The people behaved in realistic ways for the most part, though as an audience member you find yourself yelling at them to pool their knowledge, since if the three or four people who each partly figured out what was going on got together, they'd have it solved in no time. Another great thing about this movie is that the cinematography is really impressive. The way the movie is shot contributes a lot to the tone and the way the whole thing feels. I haven't seen the 2005 remake, and I suspect that it won't be nearly as good...they'll overuse the CGI and fuck the whole thing up, I bet. Anyway, if you haven't seen The Fog, you should, particularly if you like scary movies but don't like gore.