In Which Your Author Gets Stoned and Watches "Vera Cruz"

 So today I decided the best use of my time would be to take an edible and then liveblog this 1954 tale of the Mexican Revolution.

Here are the results. 

Cooper’s kind of a stuffed shirt, but Lancaster is 🔥

Ohhhh, Cooper’s not a stuffed shirt, he’s just DRY.

This film continues to improve. Jack Elam is in it!

Ooh, also Ernest Borgnine!

Is that a very young Charles Bronson?

Wow, research suggests Gary Cooper was kind of a dick in real life. Then again, research also suggests he was on so much pain medication when this movie was shooting that his didn’t work, so I guess I can see why he might be crabby.

Did tooth bleach exist in the 50s? WTF was Burt Lancaster doing to make his teeth look like that? They practically glow in the dark. 

Oh noooooo, they brought in one Black guy, just to use him for a racist dance bit?!

I’m starting to think I’m not actually supposed to be rooting for Burt here. Oops. 

Oh, Cooper’s not dry, he’s just an asshole. 

This is like a very, very slow heist movie. It could definitely use more chase scenes. I hope later there will at least be some explosions.

I can’t tell if Lancaster’s supposed to be so creepy...like, I get that he’s an anti-hero scoundrel type, but the line between “charming jerk” and “dangerous sociopath” is getting a little smudgy here. 

Hooray, there’s another racist dancing bit. 

Okay, so upon investigation it turns out that Archie Savage (who plays the Black Union soldier Ballard here) was a “pioneer of African-American dance.” I guess that sort of explains all the dancing? But, like, why is this character there? I’m obviously not saying they shouldn’t have a Black dude in the movie, but like...they didn’t HAVE to—this was the 50s—so what is the purpose of adding this character? The dancing feels like a weird turn in tone every time it happens. 

Cooper’s character would be a lot more sympathetic if he were a former Union soldier, rather than a former confederate being sad about his lost plantation. 

Seriously, those teeth! Were they using ultraviolet radiation on them?

This is like the anti-slash as far as manly man films go. Unlike Wayne and Mitchum in El Dorado, there is NO sexual energy between these two at all. Well, Lancaster is shooting sexual energy everywhere indiscriminately (but it’s verging on rapey, kind of?) while Cooper is resolutely anti-sexual. If “plexiglass bathtub” were a sexuality, then that’s what Cooper’s got going here. 

This bit where the characters more or less come right out and say “I am double crossing everyone!” directly to the camera before a cut-away is...not subtle. 

I’d kind of like the two women to shoot Cooper and Lancaster and then run away with the money. Doubt that’s going to happen, though. I suspect Cooper will somehow come out on top. His romantic subplot will most likely be pleased to be finished with those terribly awkward, passionless, lip-squishing kisses he keeps planting on her. 

This bit where Lancaster is freshening up in front of the fancy French lady is deeply unsettling. Worse, I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be. I’m not sure whether the original audience of the time would consider it “charming rogue” or “secret serial killer.” I’m still uncertain if I should be rooting for his character, or if the fact that I pick him over Cooper is indicative of a character flaw on my part. 

Oh, well now of course he’s slapping the fancy French lady around, as you do. 

So probably meant to be unsettling, then. Well, but now she's kissing him, so it could still be charming rogue territory? After all, there's a perfectly acceptable Dean Martin/Nat King Cole song from the same year that advocates slapping your wife into submission (in a very swingy way, of course) if she gets annoyed with your gambling or reckless spending. (I really liked "Open Up the Doghouse" until I actually listened to the lyrics.) It was a very different time.

“I don’t trust him. He likes people and you can never count on a man like that.” Fair enough, Burt. But DOES he like people? Because so far, in this film, the main indicators that he likes people are that he 1. Shot a horse 2. Did not think that massacring a group of children or raping a lady in the main square were acceptable behaviors. Apparently, the threshold for "liking people" in Lancaster's world is very low.

This movie is awful. 

I think maybe I’m rooting for the Juaristas?

Nope, Lancaster is definitely the bad guy. I mean, aside from the French. 

At least I'm finally getting the explosions I wanted.

Yay! Macho bullshit seems to have proved fatal. 

Wait, why is Cooper crying? Clearly, I’ve missed something. This ending is both anti-climactic and baffling. 

I can see why the Mexican government got so mad about this film they insisted any movies shot there in the future make the Mexican people look good. They do not come off well here, is what I’m saying. 

The French don’t come off super well either, to be honest. 

In fact, pretty much everyone in this movie is awful, except maybe Gary Cooper, who is both awful AND self-righteous. 

So when it comes down to films about running dangerous errands during the Mexican Revolution, I’m going to declare Two Mules for Sister Sara the undeniable winner. 

Going off the rails on a creepy train: Breakheart Pass

As we've previously established, I like old movies, and old action movies are probably my favorite. Yesterday, I watched Breakheart Pass, which is from 1975, but set out west sometime in the late 1800s. The basic plot is that Charles Bronson is a wanted man who gets picked up by a US Marshal in a small western town. The marshal decides to take him by train to the nearest fort to face justice. The two of them board a train headed to the fort, along with a bunch of other passengers and a group of soldiers.

Then, of course, havoc ensues.

1. Charles Bronson was kind of weird looking. I don't know if it's the haircut or the mustache or what, and it's not helped by the giant, weird fur coat he's rocking here. I mean, the man's a decent actor and a good action star, but man...not attractive.

2. This has some strong Murder on the Orient Express vibes, as well as a little bit of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians, in that you've got a group of people trapped on a moving train, almost none of whom are who they claim to be, and they're dropping dead at an alarming rate.

3. It took me quite a while to figure out what was going on, and who was responsible. I was frankly sort of impressed since I'm usually pretty good at ferreting out plot twists.

4. I was glad the romantic subplot remained very very sub. I kind of thought it was downright yikes due to the age difference, but the main actress (aka one of only two women in the entire movie) turned out to be 39 and not 22 so it wouldn't have been SO off. (Bronson was 54 at the time.) Um, further research tells me that she and Bronson were married when this was made. FURTHER sidenote--she was also married to Ducky from NCIS, and he introduced her to Bronson while they were making The Great Escape. Oops. She once famously said that the reason she was in so many Charles Bronson movies is because no other actress would work with him. I hope she was joking.

5. There's a pretty good fight on top of a moving train car. There's also some decent explosions.

6. Because this is a western, there are some Indigenous people. They are on the side of the villains, but they're not particularly terrible. Also, the actor playing the chief was actually Lakota, and not some Greek guy they painted brown, so kudos there, casting department.

7. On the whole, I liked this one. Not enough to watch it again, but enough to say if you enjoy 70s action movies, this one is worth your time.

"I'm looking at a tin star with a drunk pinned on it." El Dorado (and also Dust Up)

Twice in one weekend -- I know, I'm surprised too. Yet here we are.

After my adventure with The Three Musketeers, I figured I'd try something else new. At some point, for a reason lost even to myself, I added a movie called Dust Up to my Amazon watchlist. I can't figure out why, since it was a small indie from 2013 without a single recognizable star in it, aside from the woman who played Tara on Buffy (whom I liked, but I'm not exactly following her career). The basic premise is that a one-eyed veteran, who has moved out to the high desert to escape his traumatic past, ends up crossing the path of a deranged meth dealer, and ends up having to fight off a hoard of methed up crazy people, with the help of a young mom (the aforementioned Tara), her dopey addict husband, and the vet's indigenous (?) friend. It was...weird. If I had to make comparisons, I'd say it reminded me quite a bit of From Dusk Til Dawn, what with the B movie cast, over-the-top violence, and tacky effects. There were quite a few very funny moments, and I liked the leads quite a bit. The Native friend was...troubling. I wasn't sure if he was supposed to actually be indigenous, or just one of those people who fakes it, but it did give me some moments of eeegh. I'm not sure I'd strongly recommend it, but if you're a person who enjoys bargain basement Tarantino, it's not a total waste of time.

The other movie I watched was El Dorado. And before you ask, no, not the cartoon. This is the 1967 film with John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, and James Caan. It's one of those classic sixties westerns that involves groups of heavily armed men shooting at each other for convoluted reasons. As usual, I found it utterly delightful. Some thoughts I had:

1. The relationship between Wayne and Mitchum is...well, someone is probably writing slash about it somewhere, and for good reason. It's like the male version of "gals being pals." The two of them were trading some rather heated looks. Perhaps I just read too much slash fic, but the undertones there felt scorching to me. Maybe more so from Mitchum's side, but for a guy who is a legend for being a "man's man," John Wayne was delivering some smolder himself. I kept waiting for them to kiss. (Spoiler: they did not.) The whole bit about how Mitchum fell apart because some woman left him...um, we all know it's because John Wayne left. You're not fooling anybody here. I did not buy his relationship with the local madam for a second. Or maybe yes, but there were definitely some bi vibes happening. 

2. I'm pretty sure she was a madam. No one exactly said, but it was strongly implied. Particularly the bit where she suggests she could manage to be both Wayne and Mitchum's girl at the same time. Wayne looked intrigued. Mitchum looked concerned. (See point 1.)

4. Caan's character clearly does not understand the relationship going on here, either. Him and the old guy with the bugle seem determined to just stay out of the way and let the other two trade meaningful looks uninterrupted.

4. Holy hell, do I love the men of the Caan family. My deep lust for Scott is well-documented, but his father was no slouch when he was young, either. Just so tiny and feisty! I knew there was a reason my favorite Corleone was always Sonny. He doesn't disappoint in this, and he brings in the sexy, sexy comic relief.

5. I haven't watched nearly enough Robert Mitchum movies, but I need to add more to my list. The man can break your heart with just a single facial expression. There's a part where he comes back after being laughed out of a saloon that just about broke me. And then watching John Wayne try to soothe him through it...

6. Special effects in the 60s were very rudimentary. Don't think I didn't notice you throwing that dummy down during that horse trampling scene. It wasn't exactly "just fling the plastic skeleton and hope for the best in Army Of Darkness" level obvious, but it was not subtle.

7. Hey, Ed Asner! I almost always like Ed Asner.

8. There were only three women in this, and it most assuredly does NOT pass the Bechdel test. However, the sister with the shotgun is pretty badass. She is going to give James Caan and his bitty ass a run for his money.

9. There is a racist bit. It is "Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffanys" bad, but at least it's mercifully short. But ouch. Bad.

10. The poem: I always forget about Edgar Allan Poe, and it's always a mistake. Yeah, he was a massive drunken creep, but there's a reason his poems are still famous.

11. That was just a delight.

CBR4 #21: Soiled Doves: Prostitution in the Early West by Ann Seagraves

I am a big fan of westerns. I love the old ones--anything with Clint Eastwood on a horse will probably make me happy--and I like the newer ones, like Tombstone and the Coen brothers' excellent remake of True Grit. I am especially fond of HBO's (entirely too short-lived) TV show Deadwood. If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest you run out and get seasons one and two immediately (season three is...not as good.) The show is graphic (it's HBO, there are going to be boobs), the language is EXTREMELY salty, and some characters require the use of subtitles to get anything out of their dialogue. However, the acting is top-notch, the plots and dialogue are nearly Shakespearean, and Al Swearengen is about the coolest character to ever grace my television.

I told you that story to tell you this one:

Several of the characters on Deadwood are prostitutes. During the first season, pretty much the only women in the fledgling city are the hookers that were brought in to make money off the miners. The actresses who play them were great at their jobs, and they made me wonder about the lives of the real women who made their living on the wild frontier. Hence, this book.

Soiled Doves is not a bad book. It is filled with interesting anecdotes about famous prostitutes and madams of the time. However, I feel like the author glossed over some of the reality of their situations. While she does point out that many of the women who ended up as wild west hookers did so out of desperation, she tends to focus more on the ones who were successful. I realize that that makes for a more entertaining and enjoyable book, but sometimes I felt like the message was "Here's some adorable stories about prostitutes!" The writing is a bit repetitious, and could have used a more strict editor.

The other problem I have is that while I am sure the author did extensive research, I wonder how accurate many of these stories are. They seem very tall-tale-ish to me, just as the stories of Wild Bill Hickok or Wyatt Earp have become more palatable over time (for example, Kurt Russell's portrayal aside, Wyatt Earp was in reality kind of a scumbag con-artist -- still an interesting guy, but not the folk-hero he's made out to be). The danger of a book like this is while Seagraves does point out the downside of prostitution in the era, she also does a certain amount of romanticizing. I wonder if she would find the habits of modern prostitutes as quirky and their drive to survive in difficult situations as "courageous".

This is not a bad book to start with if one is interested in the subject, but I think I may have to dig a little deeper to get any real information.

Also, seriously, watch Deadwood. It's tremendous.

CR3 #41: When the Women Come Out to Dance by Elmore Leonard

If it weren't for Timothy Olyphant, I never would have picked up this book.

Let me clarify: I started watching Justified on FX because Timothy Olyphant is basically sex on a stick. It turned out the show is actually pretty awesome, and not JUST because of Olyphantastic, there. It's a well-written show with some truly fascinating characters, set in an unfamiliar but richly detailed world.

I noticed recently while watching a note saying the show was "Based on the short story 'Fire in the Hole' by Elmore Leonard." I figured that since I enjoy the show so much, I should give the source material a chance.

Lucky me!

This collection of short stories by Elmore Leonard is exactly what a short collection should be: each piece is a small, detailed, stand-alone world. The characters, though briefly sketched, definitely come alive. We find the first run-in between Marshall Raylan Givens and his childhood friend and current target Boyd Crowder (basically the pilot episode of Justified, with a slightly different ending). There's a run-in between Karen Sisco (played on the big screen by Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight) and a new boyfriend. There are other stories, nearly all of which could easily be expanded into films or TV shows. Leonard's writing is interesting, funny, and to the point. Most of the stories are set in the west, either in the past or modern times.

I often have trouble with short stories, because they either are too short and I find them unfulfilling, or they are trying too hard to be "artistic" and miss out on being GOOD STORIES. Leonard has avoided both of those pitfalls--although I would have been happy to follow almost all of these characters beyond their stories, each story was put together in such a way that I didn't feel I was being shortchanged when the end came.

I highly recommend this to anyone who enjoys well-written short stories, or to anyone who likes old-school stories of the American west.

Cannonball Read 2 #47: Calico Palace by Gwen Bristow

After reading all those very heavy non-fiction war books, I felt like I could use a little break. I needed something fluffy and simple to relax my poor over-extended brain, so I picked up Calico Palace by Gwen Bristow. It's an historical fiction romance, much like Bristow's other book, The Jubilee Trail (one of my favorite no-brainer romances.)

In the Calico Palace, young Kendra ends up on the west coast of the USA during the mid-nineteenth century, just in time to be involved in the 1849 gold rush. This is the story of her and her friends (including Marny, an independent woman who runs a gambling parlor) and their struggle to thrive in the newly settled wilderness as gold fever takes hold. The characters are met by a variety of obstacles, including abandonment, disease, weather, fire, and human nature. They all manage to overcome and end up more or less happily ever after.

To be honest, it's almost the same basic plot and character types as The Jubilee Trail, though I found it a little less enchanting. On the whole, it's a very sweet book with some interesting historical context.

A Letter to An Author (Cannonball Read 2 #22 - Song of Susannah by Stephen King)

Dear Stephen,

I have been a huge fan of your work for many years (not your "number one fan"...ha ha...but a fan, nonetheless.) I've read nearly all of your books, and I've enjoyed the majority of them. In fact, IT is probably my favorite book ever, and I think I've read it upwards of twenty times. Many of your other books have also warranted being read multiple times. Please don't think I'm just some hater who doesn't know what she's talking about.

I have always defended your work. When people have complained about your over-verbosity, I have countered by pointing out your excellent descriptions. When people have noted your tendency toward cliche, I have countered with your gripping characters. I have defended you against charges of repetition, overindulgence, and lack of editing. I've argued against those who said you had lost it after you got run over. I have even defended you regarding your near total inability to properly end a story (A giant spider? Alien children? Nuclear explosion?) despite the fact that it's almost totally true. I have even defended you regarding Dreamcatcher, and that thing was a complete disaster (Assweasels. That's all I have to say about that. Assweasels.)

However, you have finally lost me. Oh, I'm not saying I'm not going to read your writing again, nor am I saying that I am going to throw out my rather extensive collection of your work. I am just saying you've finally done something I find completely indefensible, and I am PISSED THE FUCK OFF about it. You WROTE YOURSELF INTO THE GUNSLINGER SAGA! That is inexcusable. I was thoroughly loving those damn books, and then you committed the worst authorial sin--the sin of arrogance. This is not like your penchant for taking on cameo roles in films of your work--I find that more endearing than arrogant. But making yourself (and your past self, so you are piling slightly self-righteous hindsight onto the pile of things that are wrong with it) an integral character in a world I was so utterly enjoying is just WRONG. I loved the characters--Roland, Susannah, Jake, and especially Eddie, as well as being happy to see Father Callahan--and was digging the story and then "Ha ha! It is I, your author Stephen King! I am here to point out how awesome I am and how this story is all about ME! Bet you didn't realize it, but I am the AUTHOR and CREATOR and LOOK AT ME HERE I AM LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"

Damn it. It's indefensible, I tell you.

I am going to forgive you, because I truly do enjoy most of your work and think you are a great talent. However, this letter is to let you know that you are ON NOTICE, BUSTER. Shanannigans of this nature will not be tolerated a second time.

Yours sincerely,

Caustic Critic

Movie Bonanza!

It has been a very long time since I've posted, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been watching movies...oh no, it just means I haven't been WRITING about watching movies. Therefore, I am going to wallop you in the face with several mini-reviews. Lucky you, right?



1. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull: Personally, I liked this movie. It's certainly no Raiders of the Lost Ark or Last Crusade but it's a fun movie. Admittedly, it had its flaws. For one thing, the plot was kind of weak. I think this may have something to do with the fact that while the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail are commonly known artifacts, no one (or at least no one who doesn't read Weekly World News) has heard of the Crystal Skulls, and also that there was no cool "I have to put this stick in the exact right spot at the right time and then follow the sunbeam on the map to find the location of the door..." kind of thing. Basically it was like "Here's where we're going. Let's go there, everyone!" Also, Cate Blanchett's Russian accent was rather terrible. On the upside, there were some fun fight scenes, Shia LaBouf was significantly less annoying than I had suspected he would be (in fact, I found his character to be a pleasant surprise) and it was GREAT to see Karen Allen back again as Marion Ravenwood (my very favorite of the Indy heroines.) On the fence was the issue of "over-the-topness." For me, it wasn't a problem--I expected the movie to be cartoony or comic-bookish. In my opinion, that's fun. However some of those I saw the movie with, including The Boyfriend, were put off by the ridiculousness. I said "Oh, and his running away from that giant stone ball in the previous movie wasn't ridiculous?" but apparently they are not the same. *Shrug*

2. The Incredible Hulk: I don't know who is running the Marvel Comics production studio, but whomever it is, I hope he or she is being paid well. While this movie pales in the face of Iron Man, it is still a good solid superhero movie. The special effects were pretty good, the plot was reasonable, and the fight scenes were cool. Thumbs down, though, to casting Liv Tyler (who is not only a poor actress but also distractingly cross-eyed), and also to Edward Norton, who kind of looked for most of the movie like he didn't want to be there. On the whole, though, an entertaining way to kill few hours on a hot summer day.

3. The Golden Compass: This was okay, but so very VERY obvious that there were going to be sequels. Way to not finish A SINGLE STORYLINE, stupid director. Also, I would really have liked to see more armed polar bear warrior fights.

4. Mongol: This is a subtitled Chinese movie we went to see at the local second-run movie house. It's about the early life of Genghis Khan, and it was all right. I thought some of the cinematography was breathtaking, and on the whole it was very interesting, since I know NOTHING about Genghis Khan and almost nothing about current Chinese culture, let alone ancient Chinese culture. The performances from the two leads were powerful, but not overbearing--it's difficult to express so much power with a characters who almost never raise their voices. Unfortunately, the first half of the movie draaaaags for quite a while before things start getting exciting. It's a bit repetitive, and there are times when very confusing time-jumps occur. It's like, one minute the main character is escaping from being locked in a cage for more than a decade, and the next moment it's ten years later and he has an army thousands of men strong, with no real explanation of how things arrived at that point. It's like, "I'm sure whatever happened during that ten years that took him from prisoner to leading thousands of men into battle was probably interesting too...", and it's particularly annoying when the film then spends 10 or 15 minutes on something seemingly minor. I imagine there may be a sequel to this at some point, since it was critically acclaimed (nominated for best foreign film in the 2008 Oscars) and ends right at the point when Khan actually comes into control of the mongol hordes.

Rio Bravo: I like old westerns, and even I found this a little bit stupid. That feeling was not helped any by the part in the middle when Dean Martin and Ricky Nelson randomly stop defending the town from outlaws to sing a lovely ditty about someone named Cindy.

The Grand: This mockumentary about a poker tournament is only recommended for people who are into poker. If you watch poker on TV and follow it as closely as The Boyfriend and our friends (and by osmosis, I) do, then this movie will probably be hilarious because you will recognize all the references, player cameos, and cliches. It's in the Christopher Guest style (and his old friend Michael McKean actually shows up in a small part) which means most of the dialogue was improv, and in fact the final table of the tournament was really played by the actors...so no one knew how the movie was going to end, including the director. There are some great performances, including Woody Harrelson as a lovable loser, Dennis Farina as the old pro, Cheryl Hines as the female pro, and David Cross as the loony attention whore. Seriously though, if you don't know who Doyle Brunson is or are unaware what Phil Helmuth's famous for, don't even bother with this one.

Glory: This is a really good movie. However it makes me miss the days when Denzel Washington acted instead of just chewing scenery and baring his teeth a lot for no reason.


Whew! And now I'm spent.

Did They Actually PAINT Someone?: F-Troop

I was so excited when I saw that the show F-Troop had finally been released on DVD. I remember watching it on Nick @ Nite with my grandparents, and in my memory it was a hilarious show. Why, I wondered, had it taken this long to get released? Why wasn't it still being shown on TVland or late at night on the Western Channel or something?

I ordered it from Netflix and anxiously awaited my chance to reconnect with something from my childhood.

Then, the DVD arrived, and I suddenly realized why the show had all but disappeared.

The show is about a western fort sometime during the civil war era. The commanding officer is typically clueless, and his underlings get up to all sorts of shenanagins under his nose. Nothing wrong with that, right? The first indication of a problem comes during the theme song (an infectious little ditty, written in the days when shows had theme songs that actually provided information about the show.)


The end of the Civil War was near,
When quite accidentally,
A hero who sneezed, abruptly seized
Retreat and reversed it to victory.
His medal of honor pleased and thrilled
His proud little family group.
While pinning it on, some blood was spilled,
And so it was planned he'd command...F-Troop!
Where Indian fights are colorful sights
And nobody takes a lickin',
Where paleface and redskin
Both turn chicken.

Oops...redskin? I am pretty sure they're not referring to the football team here. And once the "redskins" arrive on screen, it's apparent why this show is rarely shown: every single Native American character is a painted white guy. The first episode on the DVD featured Don Rickles painted brown, running around and screaming about scalping people. Although the Hakawi tribe are stereotypical in some ways, they often seem to get the better of their stupid white comrades at Fort Courage. However, while it may have been okay in 1965 to paint men brown and stick feathers on their heads to play Native Americans, it's pretty uncomfortable today.

The strange thing is that except for the parts involving the Heckawis, the show is still pretty funny in that slap-sticky 60s sitcom kind of way. Ken Berry's portrayal of Captain Parmenter (who was cheerful but totally oblivious and invariably clumsy) is fantastic, and Forrest Tucker and Larry Storch nail their roles as the slick Sargeant O'Roake and his bumbling sidekick Corporal Agarn. Storch in particular is hilarious--his generation's rubber-faced version of Jim Carrey, only with less screaming. Unfortunately, I just couldn't enjoy it as I used to because the Heckawi issue made me so uncomfortable. I'm not usually a person who is much concerned with political correctness and am often the one pointing out that you have to take things in their context or remember that it's only a show, but even after telling myself that it was made in the 1960s before people knew any better, it was still just a little too gross.

Very disappointing over all--I didn't even finish out the episodes on the disk.

I am going to hope that some of the other shows I remember fondly from my days watching Nick @ Nite hold up better.

Triple Feature!

I watched Breakfast On Pluto with Cillian Murphy. Not a terrible film, but I didn't like it as much as I'd hoped. Although Murphy does make a convincing woman (so convincing, in fact, that I'm officially revoking his name from my hottie list because now whenever I see him I'm going to think of this role) I found the character of Kitten Braden so entirely stupid and naive that I couldn't sympathize with her. I know it's supposed to sort of be a fantastical fairy-tale sort of thing, but even fairy-tale characters have more sense than that. Mostly I wanted to slap her...although some of those outfits were stunning. A+ to the costumer if not the writer.

Then I moved on to Support Your Local Sheriff, one of my favorites, starring James Garner and Joan Hackett. Although the plot and actors in the (non-)sequel, Support Your Local Gunfighter are nearly identical with the exception of the leading lady, I find Sheriff a much better film. Garner's at his best here, Hackett is hilarious as the accident-prone Prudy (much much funnier than Susanne Pleshette would prove in Gunfighter) , and there's a very funny performance by a very young Bruce Dern as stupid outlaw Joe Danby. It's kind of old, and it's goofy and a little campy, but I highly recommend it as a cheerful way to spend a dreary afternoon.

My final film of the day was Shackles, which is about a teacher trying to teach and inspire juvenile prisoners at Shackleton penitentiary. It's not a big name cast--the biggest name is D. L. Hughley, who plays the teacher--but there are some really great performances from the kids who play the prisoners. There's also some really cool slam performances (Hughley tries to inspire the kids to write by engaging them in slam poetry) which those of you who are into that sort of thing might dig. It's probably not a film you've heard of or are likely to know about, but I thought it was really good...didn't end the way I'd hoped, but perhaps the only way it could.

The Caustic Critic's Movie Explo!

I have been watching a lot of movies lately. I have discovered a nifty feature of the cable which allows me to scroll through just the movie listings, choosing the movies I want to DVR with ease.
Not great for my social life, but excellent for my movie watching.

1. Two Mules for Sister Sara - A great 1970 western featuring a typically feisty Shirley MacLaine, Clint Eastwood during that 15 seconds he was attractive, some rad explosions, and an unexpected twist at the end. Highly recommended.

2. The Jubilee Trail -- I must admit that I'm partial to this one not because it's particularly good, but because I own the book it's based on and love it. It does have some nice strong female characters--rarities in 1950s westerns. The book (of the same title, written by Gwen Bristow) is much better though, and includes a lot more of the history of California's entry to the USA. A little predictable but not unpleasant.

3. The Guns of Fort Petticoat -- Another 50s western (I have to admit, I kind of love westerns.) An AWOL Union soldier holes up with a bunch of women in a Texas mission during the Civil War and fights off renegade Indians. Another tough woman movie. Corny but amusing.

4. The Ballad of Josie -- I have to say that Doris Day westerns always disappoint me (my basis of comparison being both this film and the more charming but equally disappointing Calamity Jane). She starts off as this strong female character determined to accomplish something, and she accomplishes it, only to find that what REALLY makes her happy is a nice man and a pretty dress. Boooo. Interesting fact I learned: women in Wyoming actually had to give UP the vote when the state joined the US.

5. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot -- Yes, I know this is trash. Yes, I am aware that most of my loyal readers would rather jam a rusty fork coated in salt into both their eyes rather than watch it. That said, I liked it. I really have this deep-seated enjoyment of Stallone doing comedy. There is something about his hulking form, pervasive head-cold voice, and marginally mobile face that is hilarious to me. This one is not nearly as good as Demolition Man or Tango & Cash but it's an acceptable way to kill 90 minutes.

6. O Brother, Where Art Thou? -- I personally wasn't particularly interested in this one, but The Boyfriend is crazy about bluegrass music, so I gave it a try. It turned out to be surprisingly good. It's certainly no Big Lebowski, and I am still on the fence as to how I feel about George Clooney, but it wasn't bad. I actually enjoyed the music a lot, and I found it cinematically impressive if nothing else. Supposedly this is based on Homer's 'Odyssey' but unfortunately I never read that when it was assigned to me so I wouldn't know.

7. The Poseidon Adventure (Original Version) -- Pretty good for a disaster movie. I'm very partial to films in which a bunch of mismatched characters are forced to band together and conquer something, so this one definitely appealled to me. Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine were both excellent, but I have to say Shelly Winters really stole the show. The special effects weren't great, but they were acceptable, and on the whole I enjoyed it. In any case, it was good to see such an iconic movie, and now I'll know what to expect when I see the remake.

8. King Arthur -- Another kick-ass woman! Great to see Gwenivere slicing people up and running around punching everyone instead of weeping in a corner someplace. Kiera Knightly seems to have a knack for this type of role, and I say let her keep playing them. Clive Owen is quite good as Arthur, and I was impressed with the performances of all the secondary characters as well. It's an interesting historical perspective on the Arthurian legend which I appreciated. Not to mention some totally rad battle scenes.

9. Broken Trail -- This is another western, but in my defense it is new. It's a TNT original, and it wasn't bad. Two ranchers running horses up to Wyoming meet and rescue a group of Chinese girls who were sold into sexual slavery. The cultural awkwardness as well as the danger the men face from the girls' frustrated buyers make for an interesting tale, though I thought perhaps a little less time should have been spent on sweeping cinematic views of high country scenery and a little more into character development or smooth story progression. The Chinese women were difficult to differentiate, the story was jumpy, and the cowboys could have had considerably more depth. Probably should have been a mini-series instead of a two-part movie.

10. Dawn of the Dead (Remake) -- Not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to watch this, as zombie movies give me the heebie-jeebies. Since I DVR'd it, I managed to fast forward through most of the really gory gross parts. The performances were acceptable, and there were still a couple points that really creeped me out. I won't give it away, but the bloody whiteboard gave me an extremely nasty turn. I ahve to admit, one of my main thoughts was "Doesn't this mall have a leather store? 'Cause if it were me, and I was thinking about venturing across the parking lot or wherever, I'd want to be outfitted in head-to-toe bike leathers or something. Not that they'd be a LOT of protection, but something that's designed to protect your skin from asphalt at 30mph should offer at least a little resistance to zombie teeth." Not a bad flick--probably attracts me for the same reasons I described re: The Poseidon Adventure.