In Which Your Author Gets Stoned and Watches Moonstruck

 

1. Cher is supposed to be 37 in this movie. That means I am already too old to find myself a Nic-Cage-In-his-prime of my own. This is definitely an appalling realization.                                                                                                                                                                   
2. In a semi-related note, I never used to understand why Loretta was willing to settle for Johnny, who is a giant man-baby. The older I get, the more sense it makes to me.                                                                                                                                                                
3. The character of Ronny is hilarious. I always missed it before because I was too busy being wowed by the pretty face and animal sex appeal, but his over-the-top melodrama absolutely kills me. I love it. He’s a filthy mess, with his hair a wreck, missing a tooth, yelling about how he needs THE BIG KNIFE, CHRISSY and yet would I? Oh yes indeed.                                                                                                                                   
4. In every way Cage is overstated, Olympia Dukakis was understated. She was brilliant here. She nails the exhaustion and frustration. (Though frankly, I don’t see what ANYBODY sees in Cosmo. These two women are busy fighting over a whiny plumber.)                                                                                                                                                                    
5. Everyone who won an Oscar for this deserved it. No discussion.                                                                                                                                                                                               
6. That is some very 80s chest hair, Mr. Cage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
7. How is that shop assistant who is in love with Ronny going to react when she finds out he CAN in fact love again?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
8. These yuppies that Cosmo sold piping to...like, are we supposed to think he's a good plumber?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
9. Seriously, what do people see in Cosmo? He is the goddamn WORST. Even Frazier’s dad is a better date.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
10. “Why don’t you go stand in front of your record player and listen to La Boheme at ear-shattering volume without even removing your coat, and I will immediately make myself at home in your kitchen and cook you food you did not ask for?” Loretta is also kind of a weirdo, tbh.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
11. Is every man in this movie SUPPOSED to be garbage? I mean, Ronny is hot garbage, but garbage nonetheless.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
12. He IS a wolf. Agreed, Loretta. You’re drunk and babbling, but he is a wolf.                                                                                                                                                                       
13. “Where are you taking me?!” It’s a one-bedroom apartment, Loretta. There are not a lot of options.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        
14. Holy balls...if my math is right, Cher was 41 when this was made, and Nic Cage was 23. You go, girl.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
15. “Old man, you give those dogs another piece of my food, I’m gonna kick ya till you’re dead” is one of the greatest lines in cinema. I yelled an adapted version at an old man once who accosted me as I walked past the bench he was shitting on. (No. That is not a typo.)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
16. Good Lord, this is an awkward dinner. The food looks great, but I’m guessing Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita wish they’d gotten take-out instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                             
17. Oh...the Twin Towers.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
18. I look forward to the day I get old enough to take my half dozen dogs out for a walk to howl at the moon in Italian. Note to self: learn Italian.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
19. The next time someone says I’ve ruined their life, I can’t wait to respond with “it was ruined when I got here!” Note to self: ruin someone’s life.                                                                                                                                                                                                        
20. The part where he says “I’m in love with you” like it’s a regrettably forgone conclusion and she slaps him and yells “Snap out of it!” is just *chef’s kiss.*                                                                                                                                                                                       
21. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are the true #RelationshipGoals of this film.                                                                                                                                                                             
22. Someday I’m going to go to the Met. Not because I like opera, but because I love this movie.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
23. Cher sure was beautiful.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
24. Am I supposed to believe that Ronny owns a tuxedo? Is he THAT MUCH of an opera lover that he goes often enough that he owns his own tuxedo? If not, did he go out and buy one that afternoon? Did he rent it?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    
25. The most unrealistic part in this whole film is that Ronny notices that Loretta had her hair done. The fact that he mentions it is how I know this movie is meant to be magical realism or something.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
26. Cosmo deserves every terrible thing that happens to him. And his goomah is tacky as all hell (I like her style, but let’s be honest, I’m also tacky as hell).                                                                                                                                                                                              
27. Good on Olympia Dukakis for taking herself out to dinner, but is there only one restaurant in their neighborhood? She’s got the night to herself...does she not long for the exotic? Like burritos?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
28. And why does Frazier’s dad keep coming back there? Does he have some kink about being watched by a crowd as a much younger woman throws a drink on him and storms out? Could he not do that in other restaurants? If I was part of a scene like that, I’d be too embarrassed to go back to that restaurant again. In fact, I’d probably have to move.                                                                                                                                                 
29. In the timeframe of the film, he did this exact same thing literally two days ago. Why aren’t the waiters like “Dude. Again?” This is why I think he must do it all the time...and he must tip really well.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
30. Does the Met really have a man with a cape who plays the xylophone to announce intermission is over? Well, now I not only have to visit, but I also have to see at least half a show.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
31. You know, I’d forgotten how much of the story is the other members of the family, and not just Ronny and Loretta.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 
32. That look...the “Hello there! I have no idea what's going on, I’m just so happy to be here! With Loretta!” look Ronny does when they run into Cosmo SLAYS me.                                                                                                                                                                             
33. I feel like Olympia Dukakis is going to be glad she turned down Frazier’s dad, because when she sees him doing a scene with an undergrad in the middle of her favorite restaurant the next time she’s in there, she’ll be reassured he’s a giant idiot. Because they both go there all the time. Because it’s the only restaurant in the neighborhood apparently.                                                                                                                             
34. I understand how it could definitely be argued that Loretta made the wrong choice there...but GODDAMN do I understand why she made it. I’m pretty sure if anyone with those cheekbones ever looked at me like that and said “Get in my bed” I’d move so fast there would be a sonic boom.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
35. It’s really good that Johnny and Ronny’s mother recovered—otherwise everyone else would seem like very insensitive people.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
36. The look on both Olympia and Cosmo's faces: “Oh God. My daughter is going to marry a moron. This is terrible.” No one is happy to see Johnny when he turns up, poor guy.                                                                                                                                                                    
37. Wait. Did Ronny put his full tux BACK ON after their night of passion? Because a night of passion is implied, but why would a man put his entire outfit from the night before back on IN HIS OWN HOUSE?! I will never be able to unsee this continuity error. And his neighbors must love the wailing opera record at the crack of dawn.                                                                                                                                                                             
38. Oh, okay, so maybe he got dressed again with the intention of going after Loretta...but how did he find her house? Did he just go knocking on doors asking “Is Loretta home?” until he found someone who was like “You’re looking for the Castorinis—they live over on the corner of Cherrywood”? Or did he follow her somehow? That’s sorta creepy.                                                                                                                                                                    
39. MY GOD, THE CHEEKBONES IN THIS FILM                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
40. Is he trying to be a dick, or does he REALLY want oatmeal? The beautiful thing about Nicolas Cage’s performance here is that it’s so hard to tell.                                                                                                                                                                                                
41. I love that Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita show up in the middle of the Awkward Olympics, and instead of taking their bag and going, they’re like “Something exciting is about to happen, we should definitely stay. Ooh, coffee!” Maybe they actually enjoyed the dinner of extreme awkwardness? Maybe this is what they do for entertainment?                                                                                                                                                       
42. She didn’t make RONNY kneel to propose. Hmmmmmm...                                                                                                                                                                                               
43. Okay so: conclusions. This movie is still very silly, and no one in it has a clue about informed/enthusiastic consent, but I still adore it.                                                                                                                                                                                                               
44. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Rita are my favorite Not-Nicolas-Cage characters.                                                                                                                                                                          
45. Cher is #LifeGoals.

CBR4 #38: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manfesto by Chuck Klosterman

I suspect that Chuck Klosterman (much like fellow Chuck, Palahniuk) is one of those authors that you either love or hate. Either you love him--because the thoughts that he's writing down mesh perfectly with the things that you have already been thinking, and the conversations he's having are things that you either already discuss or wish you could, and the connections he's making are connections you've either already made or at least understand completely--or you hate him--you find him a whiny first-world hipster who wastes entirely too much time thinking about 90s sitcoms, soft rock, and Axl Rose.

I fall into the first category.

People have been recommending Klosterman to me off and on for years, but somehow I never got around to reading him before. (Sometimes, when a whole bunch of people recommend a book and tell me "Oh, this is SO YOU!" I find that reading the book turns out to be a disappointing experience which just makes me think my friends don't know me very well.) It turns out that he's exactly what I've been looking for in the "non-fiction essay" genre. I mean, I like David Foster Wallace, but he can frankly be a bit heavy for me. Klosterman, on the other hand, is definitely fluff...but well-written, INTERESTING fluff.

The essays in this book run the gamut through pop culture. My particular favorites included his take on how a comparison between Marilyn Monroe and Pamela Anderson is not only apt, but a reflection of the way society has changed since the 1950s, how you are either a Celtics person or a Lakers person and why this influences your world view, and the one documenting his travels with a Guns n' Roses cover band. I found the writing to be both funny and intelligent, and his wide grasp of both pop-culture and general culture remarkable.

To sum up, Chuck Klosterman is like the friend I've always wanted but never had--a sharp, witty misanthrope willing to spend hours eating cereal and discussing the cultural ramifications of Saved By the Bell. As a person who once wrote a paper comparing Hester Prynne and Rizzo from Grease, I can relate totally. If that doesn't sound like your cup of tea, best to just move on to something else.

CR3 #92: Crackpot: The Obsessions of John Waters by John Waters

The works of John Waters are not for everyone. Most people can figure out whether they are fans or not after a mere ten minutes of one of his films. I find his gleeful devotion to raunch, camp, and blatant bad taste hilarious, but even I find it a bit overwhelming at times. I think the thing I most enjoy about John Waters is the sense that underneath the determinedly trashy exterior, he's actually a very sweet person. He can say things that--coming from anyone else--would probably be horrifying.

This book is a collection of essays he wrote over the years for various publications, and this particular edition has some extras that he wrote later on. He discusses his love for the National Enquirer, Baltimore public television, Christmas, and things that hates. My favorite essays were "Going to Jail", "John Waters's Tour of LA," and one he wrote about bringing "Hairspray!" to Broadway. "Going to Jail" is about time he spent teaching classes in prison. It's very funny, because Waters and the prisoners are equally bewildered and starstruck by one another (as a crime aficionado, Waters recognizes some of his students and is fascinated by their crimes). He teaches them a little about film theory, as well as scripting and improv, coming away feeling as though he's contributed at least a tiny bit to society. Plus, he finds the whole experience of going to the prison and dealing with the prisoners all great fun. In "John Waters's Tour of LA," he gives a detailed explanation of the best tourist sights in town (hint: most normal people would NOT be interested, as a lot of them are morbid/creepy/bizarre).

On the whole, I really enjoyed this book. It was hilarious, but also occasionally poignant. Waters's voice comes through very clearly, and it's easy to picture him sitting in an ostentatious chair, smoking a cigarette and reading it all to you. Definitely good for those who enjoy his films. (For those who don't, I'd probably skip it.)

CR3 #84: The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin

I think I've mentioned here before that I draw a very fine line between "quirky and whimsical" and "desperate and over-the-top." Sometimes that line is tough to define, and many people disagree with me--Sacred Cow and I have very different feelings about Terry Pratchett. Many of my friends love Christopher Moore and I am not a fan. Robert Rankin's The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse falls just to the side of the line where I like to place Douglas Adams and Neil Gaiman.

Toy City used to be a sweet place, but it's really gone down hill. Mother Goose is now Madame Goose, and she's running a brothel. Georgie Porgie is a child molester and Little Miss Muffett has a talk show. All the old fairy tales have been corrupted, and the toys of the city are getting very jaded. Into this rotten mess arrives Jack, a not-especially-bright farm boy, come to seek his fortune. At the same time, someone begins inflicting painful (and somewhat apt) deaths on the nursery rhyme stars. Jack joins up with detective Eddie Bear--a stuffed bear with all the chutzpah of Humphrey Bogart--to try and solve the mystery.

The descriptions, dialogue, and general tone were all hilarious to me. For example: 

Yet another theory is that there was more than one Humpty Dumpty, but no wall involved: one Humpty fell from the side of a grassy knoll and another from the window of a book depository. This is known as 'The Particularly Stupid Theory'.

 It's sort of a very twisted children's book. All the childhood cliches are there, but turned on their heads (much like Eddie Bear when he's drinking).  The characters were not exactly deep, but I did enjoy the developing friendship between Jack and Eddie. I also enjoyed the idea of Toy City--reminded me a lot of Toon Town in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The idea that a city full of these characters exists along-side the "real" world is interesting to think about.

On the whole, I found this book to be a lot of fun and an engrossing read.

Sequels: Clerks II and Road House 2: Last Call

Sequels.

Sometimes they work and sometimes they do not. Recently, I ran across examples of both in the same evening. In the course of ONE EVENING, I watched both Clerks II and Road House 2: Last Call.

Actually, let's say I "watched" Clerks II and "subjected myself to" Road House 2.

Perhaps I should define for you what I think makes a good sequel, and explain why these two films do/do not qualify.

1. A good sequel is a rational extension of the original film. In this case, CII is a continuation of the lives of the characters from the first film. RH2 takes place in an entirely different place, with different people, and an almost entirely unrelated plot. There IS a bar, and there ARE some bad guys, but that's about as far as the resemblance goes. With the exception of a few mentions of Dalton and how he's the father of the main character in RH2 (as well as a few admittedly funny "I thought you'd be taller" jokes) this movie had absolutely nothing to do with Road House. In fact, it feels like it was written as a separate film and then adjusted to satisfy some studio suit. According to IMDB, this was originally meant to star Patrick Swayze reprising the role of Dalton, but he backed out (likely because the damn thing was so obviously bad) and it lingered in development hell until 2006, when it was changed to accommodate a new actor.

2. A good sequel will generally include the majority of the original actors/actresses. Unless the first film was an ungodly trauma to film, or unless the stars have have become SO HUGE that doing a sequel is beneath them, they should want to come back and do a sequel, even if a lot of time has gone by. Obviously, you don't want exactly the same cast--new cast members keep things fresh, as Rosario Dawson and Trevor Fehrman do in Clerks II--but the audience wants to see familiar faces. The Ocean's 11 franchise is an example of a group that did well with consistently adding new blood while still managing to bring back the original cast. A sequel without a single member of the original cast spells very serious trouble. That means they either waited too long or it was soooo bad that no one wanted to get near it.

3. A good sequel will acknowledge he time that has passed between the original film and the sequel. In CII, the whole idea is that time has passed and Dante and Randal have reached a point in their lives where things have to change. The gap between the events of the first and second film are explained as the natural passing of people's lives. The crux of the characters' problems have to do with that time passage. RH2 definitely takes place after Road House--theoretically about three decades later, since Dalton did not have a son (he barely had a girlfriend) in the first film and now his son is about thirty and working for the DEA. There are references to Dalton and his death, but the events of the first film are not even mentioned--they just took the name and referenced it once or twice. Not very creative, frankly.

4. A good sequel brings something new to the table without losing sight of what made the original so likeable in the first place. Kevin Smith has done a good job with this in CII. The things that made Clerks so great were the relationship between Dante and Randal, the conversations they had both with each other and with the people who surrounded them, the pop culture references, and the pure grade A raunch. He's done all that in Clerks II, and has also added some new elements. The familiar has been effectively combined with the new in a way that--IMO--is both comforting and intriguing. RH2 feels as though they've used all the same pieces that were combined to create Road House, but somehow they don't fit together quite the same. The older mentor, the girl in distress who is secretly connected to the villain, the crazy villain who likes to smash things, the final showdown (right down to the car that hurtles up to the bad guys minus driver)--they're all there, but somehow they feel forced. It wouldn't have been a particularly bad movie on its own, but it suffered from comparisons to the original.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is simple:

A. Road House 2: Last Call was an abomination that never should have been made, or at least should not have pretended it had anything at all to do with Road House. They could have called it Bar Brawl: Guns, Drugs, and Pelicans or DEA on Airboats or Punching and Explosions in the Bayou and it would have been the same film without all the undue expectations. Plus, as much as I enjoyed Jake Busey's performance as the villain (and God knows I do enjoy Jake Busey and his giant, terrifying Busey teeth), the acting was nothing special, leaving the whole thing just on this side of blaaaaah.

B. Clerks II was everything I wanted it to be. If you liked Clerks, and if you like Kevin Smith's films in general, you will probably enjoy Clerks II. However, if you DON'T like Kevin Smith's movies, don't bother seeing this one. To try and convince an anti-Smith person to like it would be a tremendous waste of time because it is so very him. The subject matter is raunchy, the language is appalling, and it consists of a LOT of time spent watching people stand around a fast food restaurant and talk to one another. Dante is still a whiny baby, but I loved Randal just as much or more than I ever did. There were some great conversations and quoteable moments, and I also really really liked the scene in the prison, because I think it illustrated well the relationship between the two main characters.  Rosario did well as the love interest, and the dance scene was a pleasant surprise. It was also wonderful to see Jay and Silent Bob one more time. (I will say that although I find Jason Mewes a sexy beast, the 'Goodbye Horses' bit was a little disturbing. I suppose it's more funny if you realize going into it that this is something he does to Kevin Smith randomly on a regular basis.) I guess I just loved the movie, but I'm kind of a fan girl. Take that as you will.

Maybe someday I will favor you all with my opinions on the second Boondock Saints film and why it sucks and I think Ghostbusters 2 is my favorite. Do any of you have thoughts on sequels?

CR3 #30: The First Wives Club by Olivia Goldsmith

I saw the movie of The First Wives Club before I read the book. It's a cute chick flick, in which scorned women take comedic revenge on their former spouses. They become better friends and everyone winds up happy in the end. I was somewhat surprised (though not much--the differences between film and literature are often wide) at how different the book was--I am used to changes in plot or small character changes (combining two characters into one, or perhaps changing to a more pleasant ending) but the major change here between novel and movie was the tone.

The story is basically the same; After a close friend's suicide, three middle-aged female friends get together and beginning reviewing their lives. They realize that much like their late friend, they have been screwed over by the men in their lives--the men used them to get to their high social and financial positions, then screwed them over both personally and financially. The three women decide to use their wits and their connections to punish the men who have treated them poorly.

The book is much darker than the movie--the husbands are terrible people, but then again so are most of the society people the women meet. The worst is their dead friend Cynthia's husband Gil, and the wives vow that he will pay for the way he drove Cynthia to her death. He plays a much larger part in the book, and is closely connected with the other three husbands. The wives are all complex characters with their own strengths and flaws. Annie is a reserved housewife, who has spent most the past sixteen years devoted to a daughter with Down's syndrome. She dreams of being a writer, but gave up her ideals when she married her husband Aaron. Now, Aaron has left Annie to marry her former therapist. Brenda is an Italian-Jewish woman who fills the void in her life with food now that her husband--an appliance salesman and local TV celebrity--has left her for a young gallery owner. Elise, the last member of the group, is an aging actress from a very wealthy family. Her repressive upbringing combines with the difficulties of being an aging woman in Hollywood and the desertion of her husband Bill to lead to drinking and bad choices. All three women realize that beyond taking revenge on their former husbands, they also need to take charge of their own lives.

On the whole I liked the book--the punishments for the husbands were more brutal (though not as creative) as in the movie, but seeing the men getting what they deserved was definitely satisfying. The women were also multi-dimensional, and not just harpies out for revenge. The side characters were definitely amusing--including a gay interior decorator who learned English watching Desi Arnaz, a crusading SEC investigator, a naive paparazzo, and the other eccentric members of New York's high society--and lent a certain amount of variety to the proceedings. This is definitely "chick lit," but it's at least both well-written and not insulting to women of intelligence.

CR3 #15: The Zombies of Lake Woebegotten by Harrison Geillor

This story of a small Minnesota town's reaction to the zombie onslaught is nothing genre-changing. It is not going to blow your mind or change the way you look at zombie literature forever. However, it's a fun story, well-written and entertaining.

Lake Woebegotten is a town in rural Minnesota. It is the sort of place that has only two police officers, and where the mayor doubles as the town's used car salesman. Things are going along in fairly normal fashion until one night there is a crazy celestial event which seems to lead to some surprising problems. The issue begins with zombie fish, and soon the whole town is trying to handle the risen dead (human and animal alike) while still continuing to deal with their typical small-town problems (who is sleeping with whom, who is worshipping Norse gods, who is keeping an arsenal in his home, who is a prolific serial killer.) The characters are not exactly deep--most are simply caricatures--but a few of them do manage some development. My favorites were probably Father Edsel, the priest, and Julie, the owner of the local cafe. The book is written in shifting perspective, so we get to drop in on quite a few of the residents of Lake Woebegotten.

The dialogue and in particular the descriptions can be very funny, and are an effective parody of Garrison Keillor's "Lake Wobegone" stories. The middle of the book is non-linear and takes place over the course of several months, so it can get mildly confusing. However, in some ways it was very effectively done, because the characters would say something and you'd be left wondering just what exactly happened when baby Jesus tried to eat everyone at the Catholic Christmas pageant?

As I said before, this is not going to knock you off your seat and change your life, but it is a fun read. The plot moves along, and I found myself laughing quite often. I'd recommend this to anyone who enjoys zombie fiction and also has a sense of humor about it.

Summer TV: 2010

It's that time of year again, when I tell you what's great to watch if you are a couch potato like me. The summer shows are surprisingly good this year, and I have also found that reality TV is playing almost no part in my summer. Which is good--I think supporting scripted television is totally the way to go.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT Mondays 10pm): This isn't anything particularly special, but it's a competent procedural, and it's nice to see a show with females as the leads in this genre. I always liked Angie Harmon when she was on Law & Order, and Sasha Alexander was great during her stint on NCIS. The two of them are believable as friends, though they're only a few episodes in to the series and are still finding the characters' rhythm. I'm pleased to see Donnie Wahlberg working, since I think he is the less attractive but more talented of the Wahlberg brothers. Main distraction: every time Bruce McGill comes on screen I find myself squealing "D-Day!"

Memphis Beat (TNT Tuesdays 10pm): I'm still not sold on this one yet, but I'm giving it a chance. I like Jason Lee (despite the fact that he's a scientologist) and Alfre Woodard (remember when they played a couple in Mumford?). The cases are not particularly complicated, but they're enough to keep me watching. The side characters are funny, but I think may of them are under-utilized. Also, while I get the whole "Memphis" emphasis, sometimes the constant music cues get to be a little much. I'm not sure if this one is going to improve, since it could very well become extremely monotonous. It's not a "can't miss" but it's serviceable.

White Collar (USA Tuesdays 9pm): Con-man extraordinaire Neal Caffrey is back, and he is just as charming as ever. This season, the mystery of the music box continues, as well as Neal and Peter trying to figure out who killed Kate at the end of season one. The weekly cases are interesting and clever. Matt Bomer is really excellent in the role, and the interplay between him and Tim McKay (as FBI agent Peter Burke) continues to improve. Willie Garson is also still very funny as Neal's underworld friend Mozzie. I give this one a definite thumbs up.

Warehouse 13 (SyFy Tuesdays 9pm): Warehouse agents Myka and Pete are back, trying to keep society safe from the mysterious artifacts that belong in the Warehouse (think the place where the Ark of the Covenant went at the end of Indiana Jones...) Eccentric boss Artie, the mysterious Mrs. Frederic, and computer genius Claudia track artifacts all over the world. It's hard to explain, but for those who are into sci-fi, it's a fun little show. Not a "can't miss" but totally watchable. I just hope the show ends before they finally hook up Myka and Pete, since their current relationship is great to watch.

Psych (USA Wednesdays 10pm): This show has probably "jumped the shark" but I still watch it for the characters. The cases are really sort of lame, but as long as you acknowledge that they're just excuses for the characters to be doing things, they're all right. James Roday--who has written, directed, and produced a surprising number of episodes--and Dule Hill (as "psychic" Shawn and his sidekick, nervous and uptight Gus) make me laugh every single episode. The screenwriters may be struggling for plots, but their dialogue never fails me. Carlton Omundson as the tightly-wound Detective Lassiter is also a treat. As long as you don't expect too much from this, it can be a highly entertaining hour of TV.

Hot in Cleveland (TVLand Wednesdays 10pm): This is an old-school sitcom, "Taped in front of a live studio audience" and all. It has all the typical sitcom cliches, but I have really been enjoying it. Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves, and Wendie Malick star as three women from L.A. who decide to move to Cleveland on a whim. They rent a house that comes with a cantankerous caretaker (Betty White.) They suffer the usual travails of single women in their late 30s-early 40s as well as making the cultural adjustment from Hollywood to the Midwest. The women have good chemistry, and as cheesy as the situations are (blind dates, visiting parents, fashion disasters) it's still fun. Sort of Golden Girls for the new millennium.

Burn Notice (USA Thursdays 9pm): Burn Notice is back once again. This is another show that isn't nearly as innovative as it was in its early seasons, but it's still worth watching, if only for the performances of Jeffrey Donovan (whom I saw throw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game! Whoo!) and Bruce Campbell. Anything Bruce Campbell does is okay with me, really. This season, Michael is trying to chase down another giant dangerous conspiracy, with the help of Fiona and young spy Jesse (Coby Bell) whom--unbeknownst to him--Michael accidentally got burned. The question of course being how long Michael can keep his secret from Jesse while ostensibly helping him get his revenge. There hasn't been nearly enough of Sharon Gless as Michael's mother this season, but hopefully that will change.

Royal Pains (USA Thursdays 10pm): I am not sure why I watch this 'private doctor in the Hamptons serving quirky rich people' show, to be honest. I am generally not a fan of medical shows, but for some reason I enjoy this one. I think--as with most USA shows--I'm a fan of the characters, despite the slightly stupid situations they're often subjected to. USA really takes seriously their "Characters Welcome" slogan. While the plots of their shows aren't the greatest, I think as a channel the characters on their original programming are very enticing.

Project Runway (Lifetime Thursdays 8pm): Project Runway starts this Thursday and I am really excited, though not sure that expanding the episodes to 1.5 hours is a good idea. While I like to think we'll get more discussion of the process of designing and watching the designers struggle in the workroom with making their ideas into reality, then defending them on the runway, I have a sneaking suspicion it just means more time for cattiness and crying. They can cry...as long as they cut and cry.

Haven (SyFy Fridays 10pm): This one is not really very good. It's supposedly based on Stephen King's novel The Colorado Kid except it seems to have very little if anything to do with the book as I remember it. FBI agent Audrey Parker comes to small town of Haven for an investigation and decides to stay once she sees a photograph of a mysterious woman who could be her mother. Haven is a weird place full of very quirky locals where people can control the weather and music can drive sane people crazy and crazy people sane, and Audrey kind of digs the weird. She joins the local police force and is partnered with native son Nathan (son of the sheriff) who has a medical condition that doesn't allow him to feel pain. The two of them run around investigating weird happenings (according to locals, it's the return of "The Troubles") while Audrey tries to find out about her past. To be honest, I kind of only watch this for Eric Balfour--who plays town bad boy Duke Crocker--because as it turns out, at some point he got insanely skankiliciously hot. (When did that happen? Last I remember he was gawky and his head was too big and he sort of reminded me of Lurch with a bad goatee.) Anyway, it's another show that people who like sci-fi might like. Or people who like hot guys--Lucas Bryant, who plays Nathan, is fairly attractive as well--might like it too.

True Blood (HBO Sundays at 9): GODDAMN THIS SHOW IS EXCITING! LAFAYETTE HAS A BOYFRIEND AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HIS DEAL IS AND TARA GOT KIDNAPPED BY AN INSANE VAMPIRE BUT SHE ESCAPED AFTER CLUBBING HIM OVER THE HEAD AND I THINK HE IS GOING TO BE REALLY PISSED WHEN HE WAKES UP AND THE KING OF MISSISSIPPI KILLED ERIC'S FAMILY AND HAS HIS FATHER'S CROWN ON DISPLAY WHICH IS KIND OF TACKY NOW ERIC'S OUT FOR REVENGE AND LORENA'S GOT BILL ALL TIED DOWN AND TORTURED AND SOOKIE IS STILL...WELL, VERY WHINY BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL GET IT TOGETHER SOON AND THE QUEEN IS IN A TIGHT SPOT AND SAM'S WHITE TRASH FAMILY ARE FIGHTING HIS BROTHER IN DOGFIGHTS AND JESSICA AND ARLENE SHOULD HAVE A SITCOM AND OKAY SO I TOTALLY FAST FORWARD THROUGH ALL THE JASON PARTS BECAUSE HE BORES ME AND THAT STORYLINE SHOULDN'T EVEN SHOW UP UNTIL BOOK FOUR AND NAZI WEREWOLVES WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO SAY?!?! *pantpantpantpant* It's not something that everyone will enjoy because really it's just a soap opera with vampires and werewolves and whatnot. However, I am simply mad for it because I am a goob. You should hear me yammering away at The Boyfriend when each episode ends. He tends to nod his head and back away slowly.

We also watch a rather stunning number of cooking shows--particularly Diners, Drive-ins, and & Dives (shout out to Minnesota Missy, who works on the show) and really anything else Guy Fieri is on, and several considerably nerdier cooking shows on PBS. Plus there's an endless parade of sports, plus new Futuramas.

On the whole, it's not a bad summer for TV. I'll be excited to see what's new in the fall but I'm not suffering any withdrawal so far!

Cannonball Read 2 #5: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I was a little daunted by this book at first. The Hitchhiker's Guide is so well known and loved that I was a bit put off--I tend to avoid things that are very popular (that's why it took me 4 years to pick up a Harry Potter book and why it's likely I will NEVER read anything from the Twilight saga...well, the popularity and the fact that they sound fucking stupid...another discussion for another time.) Also, I enjoyed the movie a lot (I think I was one of the few people that did) and thought maybe that would ruin the book for me.

For those who don't know, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the story of Arthur Dent, an ordinary British man who discovers not only is his house being bull-dozed to make way for an expressway, but the entire EARTH is being destroyed (for an interstellar expressway, of course.) He is, at the very last moment, saved by his friend Ford Prefect, who turns out to be from another planet--sent to Earth to do research for the Guide. Arthur and Ford have a series of adventures, meeting up Trillian (a lovely girl) and Zaphod Beeblebrox, president of the galaxy and idiot extraordinaire. They fly off in a stolen spaceship, trying to discover the secret to life itself.

The book is highly entertaining, in particular the "explanatory asides" were side-splitting. My problems with it are mostly the same problems I have with the Dark Tower series: The book can't really stand on its own. Nothing is resolved, there is no real ending--it is quite obviously part of a series, and until I get my hands on the next book, it's like reading half a book. There are also some points where the quirkiness borders on annoying, but Adams manages to reign it in just in time.

On the whole, I liked this a lot, and would recommend it. The copy I have was put out in conjunction with the movie, and has some very interesting interviews with the writer, producers, and actors in the film, giving a new perspective on the process of making the movie and how they each saw their individual roles. Quite interesting.

Movies Movies Movies!

It was kind of a big movie weekend, because after the party Friday night, I was sort of blah for the whole weekend. I watched a couple movies, and figured I'd talk about them here for my post of the day.

Kung Fu Panda: I'm a sucker for movies like this, but the darn thing really WAS hilarious. The Boyfriend and I laughed until the tears ran down our faces, then laughed more. The animation was amazing, and Jack Black was really perfect for the role of hapless panda Po. Sometimes Black can overshadow the character he's playing, but here he was just awesome. I was also happy to spot the ever-delicioso Ian McShane as the voice of the villain. (I kind of wish I could get Ian McShane's voice as hold music--I am on hold a lot, and I'd happily sit patiently if I could listen to him talk about whatever. He could read the phonebook and I'd be delighted.) The story of a fat panda becoming a mighty warrior worked well, and the humor was good for kids, but adults will have no problem enjoying it either. Two thumbs up.

This Filthy World: John Waters's one-man show was also hilarious. He talks a lot about the making of his movies, his opinions on the state of the world, and general observations on life. It's probably not for the right-wing crowd (discussions of gay life, drugs, and rampant, deliberate moral corruption would probably give those people immediate aneurysms) but I thought it was funny all the way through.

An Evening With Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder: I have not seen the first Evening With Kevin Smith, though I have heard a lot of good things. I think he probably used his best material there, but this was still very funny if you're a fan. (If you're not a fan, you might as well just skip it.) This nearly two-hour show in Toronto gives Smith a chance to answer more audience questions and generally digress into various funny tangents. Although there were moments where it dragged a bit, or got a little uncomfortable, I mostly enjoyed it. His rambling explanation of watching Dora the Explorer made me laugh until I snorted. Jay Mewes also makes a cameo appearance, which made me squee. I wouldn't pay to watch it, but if it's free OnDemand or Netflix InstantWatch it's a good way to waste some time and have a few laughs.

Constantine: First of all, I have to point out that while The Boyfriend has a VIOLENT dislike of Keanu Reeves and all of his performances, I don't mind the guy. I think Keanu is very pretty, and while he isn't the best actor out there, it's not like he's casting himself in these movies, a la Kevin Costner. If he's miscast, it is NOT his fault. Also, the guy has had a kind of tough life (best friend ODs right in front of him, baby dies, fiance is killed shortly after in a car wreck) and I figure the fact that he mostly keeps to himself and behaves instead of being a giant Hollywood douchebag says a lot for him. That said, while this performance was not the best ever committed to film, and while there are probably several actors who could have done a better job, it was not awful. I liked the premise, and the climactic ending was pretty awesome. Peter Stormare is fantastic as the devil, and any time THE SWINTON appears I am always intrigued. Rachel Weisz was all right (though I am biased because I LOVED her in the Mummy movies) though when I saw Gavin Rossdale I was like "Really? There were no REAL actors available that day? Not a single lowly SAG member could be found to play the part?" On the whole, it's kind of a stupid movie, but no stupider than Max Payne, and at least Keanu Reeves doesn't come off as a tremendous asshole.

Smoke Signals: This is a movie about two young Native American men in the Pacific Northwest who go on a journey together when the father of one of them dies. It's a quiet little story. The acting isn't perfect, although the guy who plays Thomas Builds-the-Fire--the oddball of the pairing-- was excellent. Adam Beach, who played the more socially normal of the two, displayed considerably more range and talent than he did during his brief stint on SVU...which isn't a whole lot, to be honest. (At least he's pretty...) The story and dialogue are interesting, funny, and touching in places. It's the first film I've seen about modern day Native Americans, teenagers in particular. It's apparently based on a story by famed Native American author Sherman Alexie called "The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven." Although it's not entertaining as much as thought provoking, and the indie-ness of the movie is more obvious than I'd prefer, I'd definitely recommend this one.

Also, the new show on USA--White Collar--is pretty good. I don't know who is running USA, but they seem to have figured out the perfect formula for light, fun, entertaining television. I mean, I love crime shows, but lately SVU seems to be gunning for some kind of "most miserable and depression show on television" award (along with giving Richard Belzer and Ice-T a criminally teensy amount of screen time), CSI is kind of a scattered mess, Bones is constantly being bumped for stupid baseball (it is ridiculous to me that ALL FOUR major sports are in season at the same time), and NCIS (which is a GOOD SHOW, PAJIBA OVERLORDS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO DEFEND IT! Well, not the new one with LL Cool J--that one sucks sweaty monkey balls) can't do it all alone. In the same vein as Psych and Burn Notice, USA has managed to make White Collar a pleasant, serviceable, and entertaining hour of TV.

For anyone who was wondering, I ended up going with Miss Piggy for Halloween. Although I wasn't entirely sure when I put it on, the photos are fantastic, and judging from the reactions of others at the party, I think it was a very good choice. :)

Cannonball Read #27: Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons

I ran across the movie version of this a few years ago, and I absolutely LOVED it. Kate Beckinsale was adorable in it (apparently it was made before she turned into a plastic skeleton) and some hilarious and wonderful character performances were turned in by Sir Ian McKellan, Joanna Lumley, Rufus Sewell, and Stephen Fry. I finally managed to get my hands on the book a few weeks ago, and I hoped it would be equally entertaining.

The plot concerns modern young woman Flora Poste, who, after being orphaned, leaves 1920s/30s London to go live with her distant relatives the Starkadders on their rural farm. The Starkadders turn out to be a dreadfully weird and dysfunctional bunch, and Flora sets her sights on using her common sense and modern sensibilities to "straighten up" the lot of them. There's gloomy Aunt Judith (who is obsessed with her son Seth); Uncle Amos the fire-and-brimstone rural preacher; cousin Reuben, the farmer; cousin Seth, the local Lothario; Elfine, the wild waif who is in love with a boy from a high-born family...plus numerous cousins and hired men and other troublesome rural inhabitants. At the center of it all is Flora's biggest challenge--mad Aunt Ada Doom, who once saw something nasty in the woodshed...or maybe the bicycle shed. Or the potting shed... Flora arrives to take charge of the farm, and her story is the hysterical tale of her attempts to deal with the Starkadders.

In some ways the book was just as wonderful, and in others it was a tad disappointing. The story was still populated by the same wacky, bizarre characters, but on the whole the tale was a bit darker than the film. Obviously, there were some characters and subplots cut from the book, but I didn't think they were much missed in the film. The characters and their dialogue were fabulous and funny, though the Flora of the book is a bit more of a haughty bitch than the Flora of the film, who is still haughty but generally with good intentions. Also, the language in the book can sometimes get a bit flowery, but those passages tend to be relatively short, and are mostly descriptions from Flora's "literary" point of view.

On the whole, I enjoyed both the film and the book and would recommend either to someone who enjoys period comedies.

Cannonball Read #3: A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore

I really really wanted to like Christopher Moore's A Dirty Job. Nearly everyone I know has told me I just MUST read Moore...he's so quirky and funny and hilarious and quirky and I will LOVE HIM!

I'm not sure what my friends think of me to try and get me to read this book.

I'm not saying the story of Charlie Asher--a neurotic recent widower and single dad who discovers he is a part of the machinery of death--is bad, or that I didn't enjoy it. I just felt like the author was...trying too hard. I guess I can relate, because--and perhaps this is why my friends thought of me when they read this--when I was writing, I had the very same problem Moore seems to have: a raft of "quirky" side characters who totally overwhelm the relatively dull main character. I liked the side characters, particularly Goth assistant clerk Lily and fellow "Death Merchant" Minty Fresh. Their descriptions were clear and vibrant. I wanted to know more about them and watch them go about their lives. However, I found Charlie himself kind of whiny and annoying. I was rather disappointed when we had to leave some of the other viewpoints and go back to Charlie and his fussing. Plus Moore's constant return to the them of the neurotic, overprotective, ultra-worried "Beta Male" also seemed kind of like a cop-out to explain why Charlie was such a freak.

The plot in itself is not bad. There were many things I like and parts that I found funny. Moore is clearly a writer who knows how to cleverly turn a phrase. However, on the whole I found the book more or less forgettable. In fact, although I just finished it yesterday, it has left no particular dent on my memory--I know I read it, I remember what it was about, but I am left with nothing except the basic knowledge of what happened and a vague feeling of irritation.

I will probably give Moore another shot if only because I am tired of being asked if I have read that one about Biff, Christ's childhood pal yet. As far as recommendations go, I guess it's not bad as something to read on a bus trip or while stranded in an airport, but otherwise, there are probably a lot of better books out there.

Movie Bonanza!

It has been a very long time since I've posted, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been watching movies...oh no, it just means I haven't been WRITING about watching movies. Therefore, I am going to wallop you in the face with several mini-reviews. Lucky you, right?



1. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull: Personally, I liked this movie. It's certainly no Raiders of the Lost Ark or Last Crusade but it's a fun movie. Admittedly, it had its flaws. For one thing, the plot was kind of weak. I think this may have something to do with the fact that while the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail are commonly known artifacts, no one (or at least no one who doesn't read Weekly World News) has heard of the Crystal Skulls, and also that there was no cool "I have to put this stick in the exact right spot at the right time and then follow the sunbeam on the map to find the location of the door..." kind of thing. Basically it was like "Here's where we're going. Let's go there, everyone!" Also, Cate Blanchett's Russian accent was rather terrible. On the upside, there were some fun fight scenes, Shia LaBouf was significantly less annoying than I had suspected he would be (in fact, I found his character to be a pleasant surprise) and it was GREAT to see Karen Allen back again as Marion Ravenwood (my very favorite of the Indy heroines.) On the fence was the issue of "over-the-topness." For me, it wasn't a problem--I expected the movie to be cartoony or comic-bookish. In my opinion, that's fun. However some of those I saw the movie with, including The Boyfriend, were put off by the ridiculousness. I said "Oh, and his running away from that giant stone ball in the previous movie wasn't ridiculous?" but apparently they are not the same. *Shrug*

2. The Incredible Hulk: I don't know who is running the Marvel Comics production studio, but whomever it is, I hope he or she is being paid well. While this movie pales in the face of Iron Man, it is still a good solid superhero movie. The special effects were pretty good, the plot was reasonable, and the fight scenes were cool. Thumbs down, though, to casting Liv Tyler (who is not only a poor actress but also distractingly cross-eyed), and also to Edward Norton, who kind of looked for most of the movie like he didn't want to be there. On the whole, though, an entertaining way to kill few hours on a hot summer day.

3. The Golden Compass: This was okay, but so very VERY obvious that there were going to be sequels. Way to not finish A SINGLE STORYLINE, stupid director. Also, I would really have liked to see more armed polar bear warrior fights.

4. Mongol: This is a subtitled Chinese movie we went to see at the local second-run movie house. It's about the early life of Genghis Khan, and it was all right. I thought some of the cinematography was breathtaking, and on the whole it was very interesting, since I know NOTHING about Genghis Khan and almost nothing about current Chinese culture, let alone ancient Chinese culture. The performances from the two leads were powerful, but not overbearing--it's difficult to express so much power with a characters who almost never raise their voices. Unfortunately, the first half of the movie draaaaags for quite a while before things start getting exciting. It's a bit repetitive, and there are times when very confusing time-jumps occur. It's like, one minute the main character is escaping from being locked in a cage for more than a decade, and the next moment it's ten years later and he has an army thousands of men strong, with no real explanation of how things arrived at that point. It's like, "I'm sure whatever happened during that ten years that took him from prisoner to leading thousands of men into battle was probably interesting too...", and it's particularly annoying when the film then spends 10 or 15 minutes on something seemingly minor. I imagine there may be a sequel to this at some point, since it was critically acclaimed (nominated for best foreign film in the 2008 Oscars) and ends right at the point when Khan actually comes into control of the mongol hordes.

Rio Bravo: I like old westerns, and even I found this a little bit stupid. That feeling was not helped any by the part in the middle when Dean Martin and Ricky Nelson randomly stop defending the town from outlaws to sing a lovely ditty about someone named Cindy.

The Grand: This mockumentary about a poker tournament is only recommended for people who are into poker. If you watch poker on TV and follow it as closely as The Boyfriend and our friends (and by osmosis, I) do, then this movie will probably be hilarious because you will recognize all the references, player cameos, and cliches. It's in the Christopher Guest style (and his old friend Michael McKean actually shows up in a small part) which means most of the dialogue was improv, and in fact the final table of the tournament was really played by the actors...so no one knew how the movie was going to end, including the director. There are some great performances, including Woody Harrelson as a lovable loser, Dennis Farina as the old pro, Cheryl Hines as the female pro, and David Cross as the loony attention whore. Seriously though, if you don't know who Doyle Brunson is or are unaware what Phil Helmuth's famous for, don't even bother with this one.

Glory: This is a really good movie. However it makes me miss the days when Denzel Washington acted instead of just chewing scenery and baring his teeth a lot for no reason.


Whew! And now I'm spent.