Sequels: Clerks II and Road House 2: Last Call

Sequels.

Sometimes they work and sometimes they do not. Recently, I ran across examples of both in the same evening. In the course of ONE EVENING, I watched both Clerks II and Road House 2: Last Call.

Actually, let's say I "watched" Clerks II and "subjected myself to" Road House 2.

Perhaps I should define for you what I think makes a good sequel, and explain why these two films do/do not qualify.

1. A good sequel is a rational extension of the original film. In this case, CII is a continuation of the lives of the characters from the first film. RH2 takes place in an entirely different place, with different people, and an almost entirely unrelated plot. There IS a bar, and there ARE some bad guys, but that's about as far as the resemblance goes. With the exception of a few mentions of Dalton and how he's the father of the main character in RH2 (as well as a few admittedly funny "I thought you'd be taller" jokes) this movie had absolutely nothing to do with Road House. In fact, it feels like it was written as a separate film and then adjusted to satisfy some studio suit. According to IMDB, this was originally meant to star Patrick Swayze reprising the role of Dalton, but he backed out (likely because the damn thing was so obviously bad) and it lingered in development hell until 2006, when it was changed to accommodate a new actor.

2. A good sequel will generally include the majority of the original actors/actresses. Unless the first film was an ungodly trauma to film, or unless the stars have have become SO HUGE that doing a sequel is beneath them, they should want to come back and do a sequel, even if a lot of time has gone by. Obviously, you don't want exactly the same cast--new cast members keep things fresh, as Rosario Dawson and Trevor Fehrman do in Clerks II--but the audience wants to see familiar faces. The Ocean's 11 franchise is an example of a group that did well with consistently adding new blood while still managing to bring back the original cast. A sequel without a single member of the original cast spells very serious trouble. That means they either waited too long or it was soooo bad that no one wanted to get near it.

3. A good sequel will acknowledge he time that has passed between the original film and the sequel. In CII, the whole idea is that time has passed and Dante and Randal have reached a point in their lives where things have to change. The gap between the events of the first and second film are explained as the natural passing of people's lives. The crux of the characters' problems have to do with that time passage. RH2 definitely takes place after Road House--theoretically about three decades later, since Dalton did not have a son (he barely had a girlfriend) in the first film and now his son is about thirty and working for the DEA. There are references to Dalton and his death, but the events of the first film are not even mentioned--they just took the name and referenced it once or twice. Not very creative, frankly.

4. A good sequel brings something new to the table without losing sight of what made the original so likeable in the first place. Kevin Smith has done a good job with this in CII. The things that made Clerks so great were the relationship between Dante and Randal, the conversations they had both with each other and with the people who surrounded them, the pop culture references, and the pure grade A raunch. He's done all that in Clerks II, and has also added some new elements. The familiar has been effectively combined with the new in a way that--IMO--is both comforting and intriguing. RH2 feels as though they've used all the same pieces that were combined to create Road House, but somehow they don't fit together quite the same. The older mentor, the girl in distress who is secretly connected to the villain, the crazy villain who likes to smash things, the final showdown (right down to the car that hurtles up to the bad guys minus driver)--they're all there, but somehow they feel forced. It wouldn't have been a particularly bad movie on its own, but it suffered from comparisons to the original.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is simple:

A. Road House 2: Last Call was an abomination that never should have been made, or at least should not have pretended it had anything at all to do with Road House. They could have called it Bar Brawl: Guns, Drugs, and Pelicans or DEA on Airboats or Punching and Explosions in the Bayou and it would have been the same film without all the undue expectations. Plus, as much as I enjoyed Jake Busey's performance as the villain (and God knows I do enjoy Jake Busey and his giant, terrifying Busey teeth), the acting was nothing special, leaving the whole thing just on this side of blaaaaah.

B. Clerks II was everything I wanted it to be. If you liked Clerks, and if you like Kevin Smith's films in general, you will probably enjoy Clerks II. However, if you DON'T like Kevin Smith's movies, don't bother seeing this one. To try and convince an anti-Smith person to like it would be a tremendous waste of time because it is so very him. The subject matter is raunchy, the language is appalling, and it consists of a LOT of time spent watching people stand around a fast food restaurant and talk to one another. Dante is still a whiny baby, but I loved Randal just as much or more than I ever did. There were some great conversations and quoteable moments, and I also really really liked the scene in the prison, because I think it illustrated well the relationship between the two main characters.  Rosario did well as the love interest, and the dance scene was a pleasant surprise. It was also wonderful to see Jay and Silent Bob one more time. (I will say that although I find Jason Mewes a sexy beast, the 'Goodbye Horses' bit was a little disturbing. I suppose it's more funny if you realize going into it that this is something he does to Kevin Smith randomly on a regular basis.) I guess I just loved the movie, but I'm kind of a fan girl. Take that as you will.

Maybe someday I will favor you all with my opinions on the second Boondock Saints film and why it sucks and I think Ghostbusters 2 is my favorite. Do any of you have thoughts on sequels?

A Letter to An Author (Cannonball Read 2 #22 - Song of Susannah by Stephen King)

Dear Stephen,

I have been a huge fan of your work for many years (not your "number one fan"...ha ha...but a fan, nonetheless.) I've read nearly all of your books, and I've enjoyed the majority of them. In fact, IT is probably my favorite book ever, and I think I've read it upwards of twenty times. Many of your other books have also warranted being read multiple times. Please don't think I'm just some hater who doesn't know what she's talking about.

I have always defended your work. When people have complained about your over-verbosity, I have countered by pointing out your excellent descriptions. When people have noted your tendency toward cliche, I have countered with your gripping characters. I have defended you against charges of repetition, overindulgence, and lack of editing. I've argued against those who said you had lost it after you got run over. I have even defended you regarding your near total inability to properly end a story (A giant spider? Alien children? Nuclear explosion?) despite the fact that it's almost totally true. I have even defended you regarding Dreamcatcher, and that thing was a complete disaster (Assweasels. That's all I have to say about that. Assweasels.)

However, you have finally lost me. Oh, I'm not saying I'm not going to read your writing again, nor am I saying that I am going to throw out my rather extensive collection of your work. I am just saying you've finally done something I find completely indefensible, and I am PISSED THE FUCK OFF about it. You WROTE YOURSELF INTO THE GUNSLINGER SAGA! That is inexcusable. I was thoroughly loving those damn books, and then you committed the worst authorial sin--the sin of arrogance. This is not like your penchant for taking on cameo roles in films of your work--I find that more endearing than arrogant. But making yourself (and your past self, so you are piling slightly self-righteous hindsight onto the pile of things that are wrong with it) an integral character in a world I was so utterly enjoying is just WRONG. I loved the characters--Roland, Susannah, Jake, and especially Eddie, as well as being happy to see Father Callahan--and was digging the story and then "Ha ha! It is I, your author Stephen King! I am here to point out how awesome I am and how this story is all about ME! Bet you didn't realize it, but I am the AUTHOR and CREATOR and LOOK AT ME HERE I AM LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!"

Damn it. It's indefensible, I tell you.

I am going to forgive you, because I truly do enjoy most of your work and think you are a great talent. However, this letter is to let you know that you are ON NOTICE, BUSTER. Shanannigans of this nature will not be tolerated a second time.

Yours sincerely,

Caustic Critic

Sink-a-Palooza: Maritime Disaster Films Part 1

1. Beyond the Poseidon Adventure: This is actually a 1979 sequel to the original Hackman version of The Poseidon Adventure. The story centers on a team of salvage divers (headed by the always excellent Sir Michael Caine and supported Sally Field) who head out to overturned Poseidon the day after the events of the first film. They meet up with a crew of rescue personnel (led by Telly Savalas...who unsurprisingly turns out NOT to be who he says he is. Which--duh! It's Telly Savalas!) and head into the wreck in search of left-behind riches, only to find themselves trapped inside with a bunch of survivors. From there on out, it's pretty much exactly the same as the original film--"Oh noes! We're trapped! We must climb up! Come on everyone, climb! But it's flooded! And on fire! Climb damn you, climb!" The main characters do well (come on, it's Michael Caine, how bad can it be?) and there are some fun performances from the survivors, particularly Slim Pickens as a boisterous Texas oilman and Peter Boyle as the loudmouth. There also appearance from other familiar faces, included Shirley Jones (Mrs. Partridge), Shirley Knight (the woman has 158 IMDB credits, I'm sure you'll recognize her from something), and a very young Mark Harmon (Gibbs from NCIS). Although not a stellar film, it's decent rainy-day entertainment.



2. A Night to Remember: This is the original 1958 adaptation of Walter Lord's book of the same name. This the last Titanic film to be made in black and white, and is still regarded as one of the best. (It was referenced heavily by James Cameron in his Titanic.) It's a pretty good film, though in my opinion not quite long enough--there were many characters, and sometimes the film felt like it was bouncing around between them almost randomly. Also, although they touched on some of the less-than-wholesome sides of the tragedy, there was a lot of whitewashing going on, especially with regard to the treatment of the steerage passengers. Not a bad film, and certainly one that's relatively historically important in the disaster film oeuvre. Trivia: look out for a very young David McCullum (Ducky on NCIS) as well as an allegedly uncredited 20-something Sean Connery as a nameless sailor. In addition, this was made before it was known that the Titanic broke in half before sinking, so it's interesting to see the sinking of the entire ship using the special effects of the times.



3. The Poseidon Adventure (Hallmark Channel mini-series): No, okay, just no. I gave it a chance because I like Adam Baldwin, but just no. I will give you three very clear reasons:
A. Terrorists. Yes, not a tidal wave, terrorists.
B. Special effects I am pretty sure I could have done myself with MS Paint.
C. They LEFT THE CREDITS IN BETWEEN SECTIONS! All the credits, beginning and ending! Even though both halves of the mini-series were playing concurrently on the same side of the disk!
*Bonus*: Stars Steve Guttenberg. Also Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howell. Is basically where B-movie stars have apparently gone to die. Poor Adam Baldwin.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

The other day, The Boyfriend and I watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

The Boyfriend liked it.

I thought it was A MONSTEROUS PILE OF CRAP.

First of all, I think the whole retro-fuzzy-filter thing is gimmicky, not cool. But my main problem is with Gwyneth Paltrow's character. She is a scheming, lying, ambitious bitch and I wanted her to die. Not to mention that this is yet another movie where the heroine can't run more than ten feet during an emergency without falling down. And when the giant robots are smashing down the street, does she evacuate with everyone else? No, she has to stay and take pictures. So here come the robots, stomping down the street, smashing everything in their path. Does she run off into an alley to avoid being crushed? No, she staggers around in the middle of the street trying to take pictures, only to fall down and cower under the decending foot of a robot until Jude Law comes along and saves her. If you're going to be an ambitious bitch character, you can't also be a wimpering pussy. It just makes you extremely unlikable. Not to mention that every time the opportunity presented itself, she made THE STUPIDEST DECISION POSSIBLE. I felt strongly that Jude Law should have dumped her out of the plane over the ocean somewhere along the way--would have made his life significantly easier. Plus, Angelina Jolie and Giovanni Ribisi (the only two reasons I even watched the movie in the first place, since I hate Jude Law and am not crazy about Gwyneth) were only in the movie for a combined total of probably 20 minutes. Actually, I thought Angelina should have killed both Jude AND Gwyneth and gone after Giovanni herself. She probably would have done it a lot more efficiently. ALSO: if you're a mad scientist and determined to build a spaceship to sail away and incinerate the earth, do you build escape pods into the ship? Why would you? You'd theoretically have nowhere to escape TO. To sum up, it SUCKED. Unless you like tacky special FX and bickering banter that was done 934579347593874592374957395 times better fifty years ago by Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart in "The African Queen", just skip it. You know, I have always hated Jude Law (not as much as I hate Russell Crowe or fucking Dame Judi Dench. Still, that leaves a lot of room for hating...), but I was beginning to like Gwyneth. Too bad.

Cold Mountain, Harold & Kumar, Spongebob Movie

Friday I watched Cold Mountain. (If you haven't yet seen this film and don't want to know what happens, just skip on down to the next entry.) Frankly, I thought it sucked. The only people in the movie worth paying attention to were Renee Zellweiger and maybe Jack White. I could happily have lived without just about everyone else. Particularly Jude Law. "I'm walking, I'm pouting and sullen, oh, does she love me or not? Oh, what is war for?" Yeah, shut up. And Nicole Kidman was alright in her interactions with Renee, but otherwise it was a lot more "Oh, woe is me! Does he still love me? When is he coming back? Oh, weep weep I'm so weak and I don't know WHAT I'll do!" Yeah, shut up. And you spend all that time with the two lovers writing sappy letters to each other and mooning around, and in the end (LOOK OUT! HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!) he fucking dies anyway. Why didn't he do that an hour and a half earlier and save us all a shitload of grief? I grow ever closer to adding Jude Law to the list of actors whose movies I simply will not watch, a list which already includes Russell Crowe (whom I loathe with a passion undying) and George Clooney.

We also watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle which was a RIOT. Aside from being a funny movie with guest appearances by Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie!), Ryan Reynolds (Grr!), and CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI (WHOOOOOT!), Harold and Kumar remind me a lot of myself and Darling Hacking Cough (and not just because Kumar is Indian, either.) The dynamic between them is so very similar sometimes to the way that Darling Hacking Cough and I interacted. You know,
DHC: "Let's go and do ____________!"
Me: "I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea. I mean, __________ could be dangerous. We could die or be arrested...it's just not safe."
DHC: "Okay, you're probably right. Now put on your shoes and let's go."
Me: "But...I don't know. Death! Injury! Legal repercussions!
DHC: "Come on, seriously. Put on your shoes and let's go or we're going to miss it."
Me: "But..."
DHC: "Don't be a ninny."
Me: "Oh, all right. But if we die, don't say I didn't warn you."
DHC: "Right, whatever."

In conclusion, if you have not yet seen this movie, I suggest you go and rent it right away.

Oh, and we also rented the Spongebob movie. It was all right, but very weird. Also, Scarlett Johannson is not much of a voice actor.

Lady Chatterly's Lover

So yesterday I went to the library. I got several books, one of which was Lady Chatterley's Lover. It's supposed to be this scandalous book and whatnot, so obviously I read it first. Well, let me tell you, like the works of the Marquis de Sade, it's not all it's whipped up to be. Basically, this chick marries this guy, who is then goes off to war and comes back paralyzed from the waist down. So she's trying to be nice but he's this super whiny wannabe author guy. So she sleeps with some Irish playwright who suffers from premature ejaculation. And then she gets all sad and ill because she's super-busy taking care of the wheeled wonder and not getting any. So her sister and her father go to Lord Wheels and are like "look, you need to get a nurse," and the hsuband reluctantly agrees. And she talks to the husband and they decide that she should have affairs so she can have a kid. So unbeknownst to the husband (who is busy tyrannizing his new nurse, who has the hots for him) the wife takes up with this scrubby guy who takes care of the Lord's chickens or something. And then there's this big contraversy because she falls in love with this emotionally crippled pseudo-zookeeper. And she tells her husband she's having an affair with this artist friend of hers (this artist friend, in exchange for agreeing to pose as her lover demands she pose naked for him so he can base a pipe sculpture on her) but he doesn't buy it, so she tells him the truth about the chicken guy, and the husband gets furious (even though he doesn't particularly want to be married to her, either) and won't grant her the divorce. The book ends with her waiting for her husband to agree to divorce her while the gamekeeper waits for his bitchy wife to divorce him. In between there are long philosophical dialogues about relationships. It's really quite dull.

Rental Troubles

Yesterday, a friend and I rented movies, which turned out to be a huge saga. We went to Blockbuster, and decided to be cheesy and get The Haunting and The Haunted Mansion. We got home only to discover that instead of The Haunting we had recieved the wrong movie by mistake (it was mis-filed, apparently.) So we went back to the video store. Of course, The Haunting wasn't in, so we got Cold Creek Manor instead, since it looked interesting and had Steven Dorff in it. Well, The Haunted Mansion wouldn't play, and Cold Creek Manor is the worst movie I've seen in ages (barring Van Helsing of course.) The pacing was horrible, the script was dull, it wasn't really that suspenseful, and worst of all: The first and obvious suspect was the one who did it. There were no twists. There was no explanation for why the villain did what he did, really. The best part of the whole thing was when Sharon Stone fell down a hole. We are considering going to Blockbuster, tearing up our card and throwing it at them, and then trying Hollywood Video. Perhaps they'd be less expensive, or at the least have a better selection of movies. What kind of video store doesn't have a single one of the Police Academy moviess? Really.

Possible Spoilers to a Terrible Movie Ahead: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

After all that irritation, I decided to reward myself by going to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. If you have not seen this movie yet--don't. Its only worth was its eye-candy (which, I'll admit, was fairly sizeable--Shane West with Heath-Ledger-in-A-Knight's-Tale blond hair, Stuart Townsend [who can now be added to the "men who look better with facial hair list], and Jason Flemyng looking DEEEELISH with all that lovely dark red hair) but for that, I'd recommend waiting until it comes out on video. The plot didn't make any sense, and the character development (or attention paid to the characterizations at all, really) was pretty much nil. We got a little "Oh, I'm Jekyll and Hyde upsets me" action, which Flemyng pulled off despite the rather cruddy script, but the thing between Mina Harker (who was a vampire who drank blood and called bats and flew, yet somehow wandered about quite happily in the sunlight) and Dorian Grey was left wholly sketchy. And Hyde (who is CGIed like the Hulk only flesh-colored and slightly less believeable) went good with NO explanation, Nemo's Kali-worship was left unexplained, and Skinner--well, okay, Skinner was a nice special effect, but not much of a character. The relationship between Quartermain and Sawyer was just stuck in there to fulfil a plot point and to tug a few heartstrings. Gargh. I want my $7 dollars back. Jason Flemyng was very very very attractive, but not $7 worth of attractiveness. Plus, how did that damn boat fit through the canals of Venice? I've SEEN Venice, and you couldn't fit a bloody TUGBOAT down one of those canals, let along the Nautilus at the size they were projecting. I should have skipped that piece of trash and just went ahead and seen Pirates of the Caribbean again.

I don't even know what do say here...: Fire Walk With Me

Spent the morning sleeping, and the afternoon watching Fire Walk With Me. I know, I know, I should have watched the show first, but the DVD just seemed to jump off the shelf at me. It's a FUCKED UP piece of film. I didn't get it. There were more loose ends then there were tied ends, everyone was a complete psycho, and I was so annoyed by Laura Palmer I couldn't WAIT for someone to kill her. Also, Chris Isaak disappeared (without any explanation) about twenty minutes into it, and Kiefer Sutherland left for Portland, never to be heard from again. They--as well as Bobby the drug dealer--were my favorite characters. Kyle MacLaughlan was creepy. Most of the other characters were completely unnecessary. Also the random white horse and gratuitous monkey. I'd still like to see the shows sometime--since they were on TV, perhaps they make a smidgen more sense.