Greetings, 2016!

I did not get a lot of blogging done in 2015. It's not so much that I had nothing to say, and more that it didn't seem all that important to say it. But now here we are, in a new year! Let's review 2015, eulogize it, lay it to rest, and put out some goals for 2016, shall we?

I have always believed--without a shred of evidence, mind you--that New Year's Eve sets the tone for your whole year. Whatever happens on that night will be reflected throughout the next 365 days, for better or for worse. Last year was...not great. I found myself home alone, crying to my cat while basically everyone I knew went to a party at Captain No-Fun's--a party that no one had the guts to tell me about, and let me figure it out via Facebook. I thought that meant that this would be a year of lonliness and desertion, just me and the cat, by ourselves, dealing with a world that didn't give a shit.

Weirdly, though, it turned out that it WAS an indicator of the year...I'd just interpreted it wrong. Yes, this did turn out to be a year of me and Briscoe going it alone...but that was okay! I realized that I don't actually NEED more than that. Do I like other people? Absolutely! But do I need them to be happy? Nope! I also learned that the people I had considered my closest friends couldn't be relied on. When it comes down to it, they're actually Captain No-Fun's friends. Do they like me? Sure. Will they invite me to things? Sure. But will they invite me to things when it means not inviting him? Nope. Will they make the effort to hang out with me outside of that? Nope. It was a very hard lesson, and it hurt. A lot. It still does, frankly.

But in the course of the year, I met NEW people! My roommates have turned out to be--for the most part--completely awesome. Ms. Neuroart and Bone Girl are a constant joy, even though I spend a lot of my time with them wondering just what the hell is going on. It's wonderful to come home every day and feel like you live in a place with friends, not just a boarding house with random strangers

 The Boston Dyke March committee turned out to be a life saver for me. The people I met there have become some of my closest and dearest friends. If I hadn't said yes to that, I don't know what my year would have looked like. Aside from putting on a frankly unbelievable event--we managed to raise our entire budget from the ground up, and create something that drew between 1500 and 2000 people to join together and march through the streets of Boston--I met people who have literally changed my life. They are kind, supportive, funny, and interesting. They've taken me into their lives and their social circles and made me so welcome. In fact, this year I spent Christmas with The Nanny and this NYE was spent with Krav MaGoddess, The Patriarchy, and their friends. It was a turnaround from last year, but it also wouldn't have been possible without my resolution to say yes to things.

Dating was still just a big no. I have issues. I will get to them one of these days. In the meantime, I am reasonably content on my own. As a FB meme from the other day said, "I am not searching for my other half because I'm not a half." If I should happen to meet someone who interests me, that would be nice. However, it's not on my priority list.

What IS on my priority list for 2016?

1. Continue to make new friends and nurture those friendships I've started. I don't think it's possible to have too many friends.

2. Therapy harder. I've frankly got complacent with Valerie, in that I mostly use my time with her for venting and validation. I need to start actually doing some WORK. Probably dealing with my relationship fears, figuring out how to deal with my terror regarding failure, and also maybe figuring out how to be a functional adult without giving up who I am.

3. Creative pursuits. I need to actually DO things, as opposed to just strongly considering doing things.

4. Be more open. This is a carry-over from last year, but the process continues. Now I need to manage to be open, but not be a drunken feelingsbomb. When you're telling people deep dark secrets that you haven't even told your therapist at a NYE party, maybe you need to work on wrangling in the openness just a smidge.

5. Clean better. I know I'm a slob. I will probably always be a slob. Accepting this about myself does not mean that living in squalor is acceptable. Take out your fucking trash, Johnson.

6. Continue to learn, listen, check my privilege, and question my reactions. Accept that I have anxiety, and even with medication some days are going to be a struggle. Know that there will be the occasional anxiety attack for no reason, and that taking an Ativan and going to bed with the cat to watch cartoons is a reasonable response to that.

7. Watch my drinking -- I LOVE to drink, and I think it often loosens me up and brings out the best parts of my personality. Then again, my parents are heavy drinkers/alcoholics, so I should probably keep an eye on that. Drunk once a month or so is fun...drunk every week and you start to turn into a hot mess.

Anyway, I've been working on this entry for two days (as you might be able to guess from the complete disjointed rambling nature of it) and I figure it's time to put down the keyboard as it were and let it go.

Happy New Year!

Big Brother is Counting Your Steps

So my work has given us all FitBits.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this yet. On the one hand, it's nice that they're concerned about our health and willing to shell out for this not-cheap device. On the other hand, there is a departmental "challenge" aspect to this that I did not actively agree to, and also a certain amount of implied weight policing I'm not sure I'm comfortable with.

If I want to go home and lie on the floor all evening and not move, that's no one's business but mine, and to have my activity levels broadcasted to the people I work with feels somewhat invasive. But I'm not sure this is a situation in which refusing to participate would be acceptable. No one wants to be the whiner, after all.

For those who don't know me personally, I work in healthcare. I'm not a doctor or nurse or anything like that, mind you -- I'm an admin. I'm also a fat person, who has worked hard at accepting herself and her body as it is. I think I've mentioned my stance on dieting here before, and I continue to believe that my life is not even the slightest bit improved by torturing myself over every bite of food I consume. My body is what it is, and even though I might not be considered asthetically pleasing by society at large, I have perfect blood pressure and cholesterol, not a hint of the dreaded diabeetus.

But even if I DID have any of those ailments, is it any of my employer's business? I pay for my insurance just like everyone else, and frankly I probably am much cheaper to them than the people who have a bunch of kids or hereditary issues or weird food allergies. I am under no obligation to anyone to be a "good fatty". If recent events have given me nothing else, I've gotten the freedom to be whomever the fuck I want, without having to justify my life, my choices, or my behavior to anyone. If I want to eat quinoa and kale and sweat to the oldies, that is okay. But if I want to eat chips for dinner and spend the weekend watching CSI reruns, that's okay too, because it's no one's business but mine.

I appreciate the idea that they are trying to motivate us to integrate more activity into our lives, but the onus is on us to do this outside of work, since my work by definition requires that I sit at a desk all day. Also, the FitBit requires entering a weight before you can even set it up. Is that going to be made public? Is this campaign focused on activity or weight loss? And will I be shamed by my coworkers if I don't measure up?

I guess I'll try it out and see how it goes.

New Year, Innit? (Intensive Navel-Gazing Ahead: Proceed With Caution)

So 2014 was a pretty eventful year.

The main thing that happened is that after nearly eleven years together, The Boyfriend and I split up. I will not pretend that this was "mutual" -- he was the one who decided to call it quits -- but I will say that I am coming to believe that this was the right move for everyone involved.

Of course, this meant that as of August 28, I kind of had to reboot my entire life. I had to find a new place to live and decide what kind of life I was going to make for myself. I managed, with an efficiency that frankly surprised me a bit, to find an apartment, pack, and move within three weeks. My cat and I headed back to our old neighborhood, and so far it's working out really well. I have four new roommates whom I really enjoy, and I've had a great time organizing and decorating my own space. Although I sometimes miss my old life, I'm quickly coming to realize that my old life actually had very little to do with me. It had a lot more to do with a person I was trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to be, and I don't especially miss her. We tried to handle the break-up as maturely and civilly as possible, and for the most part we've succeeded. While the feelings involved may not be nearly as amicable as we pretend, behavior has on the whole been polite. This has denied me the opportunity to get all Miranda Lambert about things, but has allowed me to keep in contact with The Boyfriend's sister, aunt, and grandmother, all of whom I like very much.

Anyone who knows me knows that there are few things I hate more than change, so this has been a real struggle for me. I've been lucky that my new roommates are fun, interesting people who have been open to forming friendships and sharing their social circles. They are also great with boundaries--if I want to hang out, there's usually someone to talk to, and if I would rather hole up in my room with Netflix, no one is offended. And everyone cleans up after themselves -- no crackmonkeys here!

I miss my old friends sometimes--while we are still friendly, they mostly belonged to The Boyfriend--but that will pass. I'll admit there were a few that I was mistaken about, thinking that we'd remain closer than we are. That was a painful lesson, one that never gets easier. However, on the other hand, I've probably been out more in the past two months than I had during the previous year, and to places I would never have expected to go. I've been to several parties where I only (slightly) knew a few people, and surprisingly (to me, anyway) I met new people and formed acquaintances that led to further invitations. When people have asked me to do things (cookie swap, Halloween for Christmas, icing 300 cookies) I've agreed with a smile and ended up having a good time. My philosophy this year is that unless I have a rational reason for refusing, when someone asks me to do something, I'm going to just say yes. Knit blankets for shelter cats? Yes! Pot-luck dinner? Yes! Boston Dyke March Organizational meeting? ...You know I'm not a lesbian, right? And that's okay? then yes!

I'm still working on initiating things, and that's obviously tough. Inside me will always be the middle-schooler who is terrified to throw a party and have no one show up. However, what's the worst thing that can happen in that circumstance? No one comes and I eat the dip myself? Yeah, okay, I might drink too much and cry myself to sleep, but pretty soon I'll have plenty of other friends. I've been reconnecting with people I let slide out of my life and making an effort to socialize with those who were previously on the periphery of my set.

The idea of dating again is still really too scary to contemplate. I feel like maybe I need to follow the advice of her Majesty Queen RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gon' love anybody else?" I need to make sure I like me before I try to convince dudes to do so. I also need to make sure I have a firm personality, so this time around I don't find myself years down the road trying to force my round personality into a square hole again. Maybe there's someone out there who doesn't think all the things I like are lame, stupid, or a waste of time. Someone who isn't going to be disappointed that I find all the things he thinks are fun completely torturous. But I need to be sure I know what I'm all about before I go looking for someone who is going to love me for me.

To sum up ("Finally!" you say, "If there is a point to this, could you please, please get to it?") I would like to lay out a few goals for the new year. The focus of this year will be on self-care and improvement at my own pace.

1. Say yes. Continue to make a concerted effort to accept opportunities as they present themselves. Saying yes leads to new experiences and new people, and new people lead to new friendships. Saying yes makes all that possible.

2. Celebrate the small victories. Did I hang a curtain rod by myself? Did I successfully cook a new recipe? Did I do something that scared me? Did I manage some mundane adult task that I've never had to do on my own before? Yay! I will not expect others to celebrate these tiny steps, but I will allow myself to take pride in my accomplishments, no matter how small or inconsequential.

3. Forgive myself. This shit is not easy. There are going to be days when merely getting out of bed, putting on clothes, and facing the world is the ultimate test of will power. I give myself permission to let the little things go on those days. If the socks are not in the hamper, there are soda cans on my desk, and all I managed to do after work was crawl into bed and watch old episodes of CSI, that's okay. Some days are going to be like that. The next day, I'll try to do better. There will be things I don't know that seemingly everyone else in the world does (What are storm windows for? I have to cut a butternut squash in half before I cook it? How do I work this goddamn corkscrew?) and that's okay. I'm still learning.

4. Accept myself. There are things I like and things I don't like, and I don't need to justify those things to anyone. I am under no obligation to make myself palatable to anyone. I, like Frank Sinatra, shall do it it my way, and those who don't like it don't have to participate. In the words of a great tweet I saw the other day, "Be vinegar. Be vinegar with no shame. Flies are terrible and they don't deserve you."

5. Read. Write. Draw. Sculpt. Go places. Visit museums. Try new restaurants. Cook things. Try new styles. Be shiny, glittery, and/or sparkly. Get involved in something. Read blogs by people from different walks of life. Check my privilege. Listen to different kinds of music. Speak up. Put on makeup. Decorate. Learn to walk in heels. Blog. Finish the Cannonball Read. Laugh. Remember that this, too, shall pass.

On Life: A Manifesto

Another new year.

Jesus, it seems like Thanksgiving was only last week and now suddenly we're halfway through January already. As I get older, it seems like time gets significantly more capricious each year. It's like "I can't wait for spring / where did spring go? / Why is it so hot? / Oh God, will it ever be warm again? / How can the holidays be here already I thought it was still summer?"

 At the end of last year, I was feeling kind of lost and directionless. A bit like a paper boat that had gotten stuck in an eddy--just swirling around and around in circles, not sure how to go forward...not even entirely certain which direction WAS forward. I was feeling trapped, with no idea what to do about it. Lucky for me, a good friend did me a solid and gently lifted my little boat out of the whirlpool, dispensing some good advice and depositing me back into the stream, ready to surge forward toward the horizon. (Thanks, friend. I hope to have the chance to return the favor some day.)

Traditionally, this is the time of year to make resolutions. I generally don't bother, as they usually turn out to be things I am totally not going to do, so instead they become just one more thing to add to the stack of stuff I did not get done, which leads to guilt. And guilt is really nobody's friend. Therefore, instead of resolutions, I have some looser declarations which--like the Pirate code--are more guidelines than anything else.

1. On Writing: Last year, I didn't manage to get my Cannonball Read even close to finished. Although I continued doing the same amount of reading, I had trouble forcing myself to do the reviews. "After all," I figured, "no one is reading them, except my mom. What's the point?" The point, of course, is that goals need to be set and conquered once in a while, if for no other reason than to prove it's possible. Also, writing breeds writing (hence this blog entry). On a related note, if I DO manage to finish Cannonball Read 6, I am going to throw myself a party to celebrate.

2. On Art: When asked recently what I'd want to do if I could do anything, I surprised myself by immediately answering "Art." I've always enjoyed it, but since I left school I haven't done much with it. My reasons have mostly been about lack of time, or space, or materials, or inspiration, but clearly those are just excuses. This year, I am going to try and "art" at least once a week for an hour or two. Maybe not daily, but enough. And I am going to try new mediums, and probably inundate my hapless loved ones with sketches and comics and cross-stitches and slightly lopsided sculpey figurines of yaks. I have realized that I can't art for myself, but I am great at arting for others, so that's what I'll do. What I'll get out of it is the process of creating, exercises for a muscle I'd almost forgotten I had.

3. On Exercise: I would like to say that I am going to take up a focused exercise program and learn to love working out, but that would be a bald-faced lie. What I AM going to do is continue looking for something active that I like to do. Monday I've committed to trying a Bollywood dance fitness class. Maybe I'll like it. Maybe I won't. But I'm not going to let the possibility of a bunch of skinny, flexible people giving me the hairy eyeball keep me from trying it. If I don't like it, maybe I'll find something else I do like. And if I like it but don't like them...there's always dvds.

4. On Weddings: According to The Knot, there are exactly 499 days until the Boyfriend and I are scheduled to get married. You'd think after ten years of couplehood I'd be more than ready for it, but I must say that my feet are a little cold now and then. The idea of such a massive undertaking is daunting, particularly for someone like me who has trouble even organizing a meal where all the parts finish at roughly the same time. However, I am going to try to relax and remember that this is not about throwing the social event of the season. It is about celebrating the Boyfriend and my commitment to spending our lives together with our most beloved family and friends. It is not about aisle runners, centerpieces, sand ceremonies, passed hor d'oeuvres, unity candles, save-the-dates, or any of the other bullshit that the WIC (wedding industrial complex) is pushing. We will have the wedding we want, doing things that make sense for us, and we will put aside traditions or trappings that don't. And we will make it super fun. That is my number one priority, and I will be sure to keep that at the top of my mind when making decisions.

5. On Diets: I have decided to give up on dieting. I don't like it, it doesn't like me, and frankly it does me very little good. I will say that making an effort to eat more healthy this year (i.e. more vegetables, fewer processed foods) is on my list of things to do, as well as the aforementioned exercise. However, I am not going to count or calculate or weigh or watch. I am a fat person. I am also a healthy person--my blood pressure and cholesterol are basically perfect, my asthma's improved, and since I started taking vitamins I've been sick a whole lot less. I am not going to torture myself  anymore about my weight. I am who I am, and those who don't like it are welcome to exit stage left. Also, comments about "don't you want to be a beautiful bride?" will be met by hostility, as I would be a be a beautiful bride if I were to get married tomorrow, motherfucker, and don't you forget it.

6. On Outlook (no, not the email program): A friend recently described my personality as a "reliable little grey cloud." I am pretty sure that he meant that affectionately, but that makes it no less depressing. Nobody likes to be thought of as a rain cloud--we all want to be the sunbeam in others' lives. Now, I'm aware that he was totally accurate in that my natural personality does not trend toward sunny or optimistic, but I suspect that is something that can be learned (or at least faked with concerted effort). I also suspect that once I make the effort, it will begin to become second nature through sheer habit. This is a tough one, and I'm not sure how much progress I can make, but it's worth a shot.

7. On Openness: This last is the most difficult, but also potentially the most rewarding. It ties in with the Outlook issue, in that it's going to be a major change and will require a certain amount of brutally painful effort. This year, I intend to become more open and available to people. It should not take someone more than two (or even six or eight) years to feel as though they are friends with me. I'm not saying I plan to become a Barnacle Girl, glomming on to everyone in sight and declaring them my very bestest friend. But I should definitely be capable of making conversation and possibly arranging plans. I've been told by a number of people over the years that they would have liked to get to know me better, but that I come off very aloof. It's true; I do come off aloof, and it's both a function of genetics (my father's photo may actually be next to the word "aloof" in the dictionary) and experience (it's tough to reject someone who wasn't interested in you in the first place, after all). But I am not twelve years old anymore, and I need to stop expecting people to behave the way they did back then. Seriously, it's not brain surgery! It's "Let's hang out...okay, how about this time at this place?" God knows that once I'm comfortable with someone it's nearly impossible to get me to shut up, I just need to start opening my mouth sooner. 

And there you have it. I think seven declarations are enough for the time being. Some are easier than others, but I think all are totally manageable in context. Now it's just a matter of getting started...