Chicago

Watched Chicago yesterday. Hated it. I mean, I liked the dance numbers, and the way everything was cut together was very very creative and impressive. However, the plot just blew. The characters were all simply horrible people and stayed that way right up through the end. The characters showed no development or change. There were just...vapid, greedy, cold, cruel, manipulative people. (With the exception of poor Amos, of course, played by John C. Reilly in the same role he played in The Hours with basically the same result--reasonably nice, well-meaning man fucked over by his annoying, whiny wife. Sweatsock would probably say this hostility could have something to do with my parents' relationship, and I'd probably agree with him.)

Possible Spoilers to a Terrible Movie Ahead: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

After all that irritation, I decided to reward myself by going to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. If you have not seen this movie yet--don't. Its only worth was its eye-candy (which, I'll admit, was fairly sizeable--Shane West with Heath-Ledger-in-A-Knight's-Tale blond hair, Stuart Townsend [who can now be added to the "men who look better with facial hair list], and Jason Flemyng looking DEEEELISH with all that lovely dark red hair) but for that, I'd recommend waiting until it comes out on video. The plot didn't make any sense, and the character development (or attention paid to the characterizations at all, really) was pretty much nil. We got a little "Oh, I'm Jekyll and Hyde upsets me" action, which Flemyng pulled off despite the rather cruddy script, but the thing between Mina Harker (who was a vampire who drank blood and called bats and flew, yet somehow wandered about quite happily in the sunlight) and Dorian Grey was left wholly sketchy. And Hyde (who is CGIed like the Hulk only flesh-colored and slightly less believeable) went good with NO explanation, Nemo's Kali-worship was left unexplained, and Skinner--well, okay, Skinner was a nice special effect, but not much of a character. The relationship between Quartermain and Sawyer was just stuck in there to fulfil a plot point and to tug a few heartstrings. Gargh. I want my $7 dollars back. Jason Flemyng was very very very attractive, but not $7 worth of attractiveness. Plus, how did that damn boat fit through the canals of Venice? I've SEEN Venice, and you couldn't fit a bloody TUGBOAT down one of those canals, let along the Nautilus at the size they were projecting. I should have skipped that piece of trash and just went ahead and seen Pirates of the Caribbean again.

"So there IS a curse. That's interesting.": Pirates of the Caribbean

Went to the movies today. If you have not yet seen Pirates of the Caribbean, go. Go now. Go right away. It's fucking AMAZING. If it doesn't get an Oscar nom at LEAST for the special effects, I am going to write someone an angry letter. And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp stole that picture lock, stock, and barrel. Orlando Bloom...well, he was pretty. I'll say that for him (though I quite agree with those who think he looks better with long blonde hair, pointy ears, and no facial hair.) However, I'll say that his best moment was the (allegedly improvised) imitation of Johnny Depp. Geoffrey Rush chewed some scenery, but was evil enough to satisfy everyone. Even the girl was entertaining--not a single weepy moment from her. And none of that lame "Oh, I'm just a girl, come rescue me" shit, either. She was proactive, and I like that in a heroine. And Captain Jack Sparrow...well, it was worth the ten bucks just to see that performance. It was basically Hunter S. Thompson as a pirate. There was even some ether-walking. It was great. I haven't been this charged up about a movie since 8 Mile. I'm thinking that I just may go see it again in the theater, it was THAT GOOD. Captain Jack is now added to my list of fictional males that I would bang. Are there posters yet? Must look into that, as I'm getting rather tired of James Dean. Jesus. I'm serious. GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Disney has finally made up for a great deal of the dreck they've put out for the past couple years. We all laughed when we discovered they were going to make a movie based on a ride, but what they did with it was amazing. And when you do go see it, be sure to sit through alllll the credits. I know there's a lot of them, but trust me--you'll thank me later. Wow.

Also, the trailer for the Haunted Mansion movie looked surprisingly good. Even if the plot is a little lame, it may be another comeback for Eddie Murphy, and at least the special effects look like they'll be entertaining. However, I think I'd rather gouge out my eyes than see the SpyKids 3-D movie.

A Short Review: Bridge Over the River Kwai

Just finished watching 'Bridge On the River Kwai.' Didn't like that either--at least in 'Chasing Amy', no one died.

The whistling bit was good, though.

Also, were I one of Nicholson's officers, the minute I got out of that disciplinary shack, I would have strangled him with my bare hands.

Woe Is Banky: Chasing Amy

Watched Chasing Amy today. Despite great performances from the leads and some fantastic comedic moments, I didn't like it. It depressed me. Ending = sad. And while I figure I was supposed to feel sorry for Holden because he lost the love of his life, oh poor guy, or maybe for Alyssa because Holden treated her like shit. Instead, the character I found myself sympathizing with most was Banky. I mean, he's got this great thing going, he and his best friend for 20 years--they live together, they work together, they hang out together--they're happy. Then along comes this woman and fucks everything up. They end up not even being friends, really. And okay, he was kind of a jerk in his attempts to get rid of her, but it's not like he was making shit up or anything. He was merely notifying Holden of facts that were more or less public record. And while maybe he was a little out of line, he did bring up some valid points about her possible agenda--and only then when his closest friend began trying to change him. Kevin Smith has a real hard-on for the whole "Best Friend vs. Girlfriend" storyline. It's kind of an interesting study. Oh, if only I had his drive and his gift for dialogue and characterization...Kevin Smith is SO my idol. And now I have seen ALL his movies, and count myself a true aficienado.

A Very Brief Statement: Road to Perdition

Road to Perdition didn't really live up to the hype. And Tom Hanks's "fathead" is only getting worse as he ages.

How Did I Get Talked Into This?: Vampiros Lesbos

"Vampiros Lesbos" = tragically terrible 1970s movie about lesbian vampires (obviously.) No graphic sex, but an excessive amout of naked women writhing and moaning. Did I mention it was all in German?