Lady Chatterly's Lover

So yesterday I went to the library. I got several books, one of which was Lady Chatterley's Lover. It's supposed to be this scandalous book and whatnot, so obviously I read it first. Well, let me tell you, like the works of the Marquis de Sade, it's not all it's whipped up to be. Basically, this chick marries this guy, who is then goes off to war and comes back paralyzed from the waist down. So she's trying to be nice but he's this super whiny wannabe author guy. So she sleeps with some Irish playwright who suffers from premature ejaculation. And then she gets all sad and ill because she's super-busy taking care of the wheeled wonder and not getting any. So her sister and her father go to Lord Wheels and are like "look, you need to get a nurse," and the hsuband reluctantly agrees. And she talks to the husband and they decide that she should have affairs so she can have a kid. So unbeknownst to the husband (who is busy tyrannizing his new nurse, who has the hots for him) the wife takes up with this scrubby guy who takes care of the Lord's chickens or something. And then there's this big contraversy because she falls in love with this emotionally crippled pseudo-zookeeper. And she tells her husband she's having an affair with this artist friend of hers (this artist friend, in exchange for agreeing to pose as her lover demands she pose naked for him so he can base a pipe sculpture on her) but he doesn't buy it, so she tells him the truth about the chicken guy, and the husband gets furious (even though he doesn't particularly want to be married to her, either) and won't grant her the divorce. The book ends with her waiting for her husband to agree to divorce her while the gamekeeper waits for his bitchy wife to divorce him. In between there are long philosophical dialogues about relationships. It's really quite dull.

Rental Troubles

Yesterday, a friend and I rented movies, which turned out to be a huge saga. We went to Blockbuster, and decided to be cheesy and get The Haunting and The Haunted Mansion. We got home only to discover that instead of The Haunting we had recieved the wrong movie by mistake (it was mis-filed, apparently.) So we went back to the video store. Of course, The Haunting wasn't in, so we got Cold Creek Manor instead, since it looked interesting and had Steven Dorff in it. Well, The Haunted Mansion wouldn't play, and Cold Creek Manor is the worst movie I've seen in ages (barring Van Helsing of course.) The pacing was horrible, the script was dull, it wasn't really that suspenseful, and worst of all: The first and obvious suspect was the one who did it. There were no twists. There was no explanation for why the villain did what he did, really. The best part of the whole thing was when Sharon Stone fell down a hole. We are considering going to Blockbuster, tearing up our card and throwing it at them, and then trying Hollywood Video. Perhaps they'd be less expensive, or at the least have a better selection of movies. What kind of video store doesn't have a single one of the Police Academy moviess? Really.

The Worst Movie EVAR!

Friday, The Boyfriend and I went on a date. We had dinner at Fajitas and 'Ritas, then went to the movies. For any of you thinking of seeing Van Helsing I'd suggest you just take a fork and drive it through your eye into your brain. It's significantly cheaper, and probably more entertaining. I think it's quite possibly the worst movie I've seen in at least five years. Worse than A Man Apart, worse than Walking Tall, worse than Knockaround Guys, worse than Dracula 2000, even worse than League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. (And you guys may remember how much I hated that.) There wasn't even any eye candy, and the only enjoyable humor came from the guy from Lord of the Rings. The plot was bad (had more holes than the Albert Hall, my friends), the CGI was mostly lame, the acting was terrible, and the dialogue was worse. The accents alternately made me laugh aloud or made my skin crawl. This was a ridiculously shitty movie. Had we not paid an exhorbitant amount of money to see it, The Boyfriend and I would have walked out. It was literally THAT BAD. And since we all know how lenient I am about these things for the most part (I'll tolerate some pretty awful stuff--as The Boyfriend discovered when I made him watch Speed with me yesterday) but even I have my limit. End rant.

In Defense of The Frighteners (and other things)

Bought yet more DVDs yesterday. Got Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and The Frighteners. LS is an obviously good, quality choice, but I am sure I am going to have to defend my choice of Frighteners. Here we go: I like it. It is both funny and scary, but not toooooo scary. It is directed by Peter Jackson, who is a good director. Michael J. Fox is cool, and I always really enjoyed him (and am now very sad that he has Parkinson's). And it has Jake Busey and his amazing giant Busey teeth in it. You all know how I feel about the psychotic glory of Jake Busey. Speaking of Jake Busey reminds me of all the strange movies I watched on television while ill. I watched Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thompson, Hugh Grant, Kate Winslet, and Alan Rickman. It was okay, but I really wanted Emma to get together with Alan, for Hugh to go be a lonely vicar, and for Kate to die a horrible, tragic, PAINFUL death. Unfortunately, that is NOT what happened. Sad Bear. I also watched part of Enemy of the State which was not exactly a bad film, but it's only real redeeming virtue was the fact that it included Jack Black, Seth Green, Barry Pepper, Scott Caan, Jason Lee, and JAKE BUSEY! I feel certain I watched other movies, but at this moment I can't seem to remember them at all. Too bad.

Chicago

Watched Chicago yesterday. Hated it. I mean, I liked the dance numbers, and the way everything was cut together was very very creative and impressive. However, the plot just blew. The characters were all simply horrible people and stayed that way right up through the end. The characters showed no development or change. There were just...vapid, greedy, cold, cruel, manipulative people. (With the exception of poor Amos, of course, played by John C. Reilly in the same role he played in The Hours with basically the same result--reasonably nice, well-meaning man fucked over by his annoying, whiny wife. Sweatsock would probably say this hostility could have something to do with my parents' relationship, and I'd probably agree with him.)

Possible Spoilers to a Terrible Movie Ahead: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

After all that irritation, I decided to reward myself by going to see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. If you have not seen this movie yet--don't. Its only worth was its eye-candy (which, I'll admit, was fairly sizeable--Shane West with Heath-Ledger-in-A-Knight's-Tale blond hair, Stuart Townsend [who can now be added to the "men who look better with facial hair list], and Jason Flemyng looking DEEEELISH with all that lovely dark red hair) but for that, I'd recommend waiting until it comes out on video. The plot didn't make any sense, and the character development (or attention paid to the characterizations at all, really) was pretty much nil. We got a little "Oh, I'm Jekyll and Hyde upsets me" action, which Flemyng pulled off despite the rather cruddy script, but the thing between Mina Harker (who was a vampire who drank blood and called bats and flew, yet somehow wandered about quite happily in the sunlight) and Dorian Grey was left wholly sketchy. And Hyde (who is CGIed like the Hulk only flesh-colored and slightly less believeable) went good with NO explanation, Nemo's Kali-worship was left unexplained, and Skinner--well, okay, Skinner was a nice special effect, but not much of a character. The relationship between Quartermain and Sawyer was just stuck in there to fulfil a plot point and to tug a few heartstrings. Gargh. I want my $7 dollars back. Jason Flemyng was very very very attractive, but not $7 worth of attractiveness. Plus, how did that damn boat fit through the canals of Venice? I've SEEN Venice, and you couldn't fit a bloody TUGBOAT down one of those canals, let along the Nautilus at the size they were projecting. I should have skipped that piece of trash and just went ahead and seen Pirates of the Caribbean again.

"So there IS a curse. That's interesting.": Pirates of the Caribbean

Went to the movies today. If you have not yet seen Pirates of the Caribbean, go. Go now. Go right away. It's fucking AMAZING. If it doesn't get an Oscar nom at LEAST for the special effects, I am going to write someone an angry letter. And ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp stole that picture lock, stock, and barrel. Orlando Bloom...well, he was pretty. I'll say that for him (though I quite agree with those who think he looks better with long blonde hair, pointy ears, and no facial hair.) However, I'll say that his best moment was the (allegedly improvised) imitation of Johnny Depp. Geoffrey Rush chewed some scenery, but was evil enough to satisfy everyone. Even the girl was entertaining--not a single weepy moment from her. And none of that lame "Oh, I'm just a girl, come rescue me" shit, either. She was proactive, and I like that in a heroine. And Captain Jack Sparrow...well, it was worth the ten bucks just to see that performance. It was basically Hunter S. Thompson as a pirate. There was even some ether-walking. It was great. I haven't been this charged up about a movie since 8 Mile. I'm thinking that I just may go see it again in the theater, it was THAT GOOD. Captain Jack is now added to my list of fictional males that I would bang. Are there posters yet? Must look into that, as I'm getting rather tired of James Dean. Jesus. I'm serious. GO SEE THIS MOVIE. Disney has finally made up for a great deal of the dreck they've put out for the past couple years. We all laughed when we discovered they were going to make a movie based on a ride, but what they did with it was amazing. And when you do go see it, be sure to sit through alllll the credits. I know there's a lot of them, but trust me--you'll thank me later. Wow.

Also, the trailer for the Haunted Mansion movie looked surprisingly good. Even if the plot is a little lame, it may be another comeback for Eddie Murphy, and at least the special effects look like they'll be entertaining. However, I think I'd rather gouge out my eyes than see the SpyKids 3-D movie.